2017
Youth Cup Final Day Scenarios (Select groups)
Remember Top 4 go through!
Best 8 group winners will get a bye to round 3
Other group winners + 6 best runners up will be at home in round 2 against
4 other runners up + 4 best 3rd place finishers
the other 6 3rd places will be at home in round 2 of the Youth Shield
where they will face 2 worst 3rd places + all 4th place teams
IF the pre-determined draw throws up matches which are replicas of the group stage they will not be changed. Hopefully this is highly unlikely to happen.
group 6 - final day scenarios - youth cup
| GROUP 6 | P | W | D | L | C | F | A | Pts |
| Juventus | 9 | 6 | 3 | 0 | 0 | 24 | 15 | 21 |
| Flamengo | 9 | 5 | 1 | 3 | 0 | 21 | 7 | 16 |
| AC Milan | 9 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 0 | 20 | 17 | 13 |
| Partizan | 9 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 1 | 14 | 17 | 10 |
| Rubin Kazan | 9 | 3 | 0 | 6 | 1 | 10 | 21 | 8 |
| Hertha Berlin | 9 | 1 | 2 | 6 | 0 | 8 | 20 | 5 |
FIXTURES: Saturday 3rd June
......... Flamengo v Juventus .........
......... Rubin Kazan v Milan .........
......... Partizan v Hertha Berlin .........
Flamengo and Juve have both secured top 2 spots (barring a huge goal swing) but both will want to win to ensure an easier tie as possible in round 3 (in Juve's case) and round 2 in Flamengos.
Milan should finish 3rd barring a massive defeat - but the chances of them being in the top 4 3rd place teams hanging on a knife edge nothing but a win will do! Rubin could still finish 4th and qualify for the youth shield IF results go their way and they beat Milan.
Partizan know a win will secure Youth Shield football against Hertha who will win the wooden spoon award.
group 8 - final day scenarios - youth cup
| GROUP 8 | P | W | D | L | C | F | A | Pts |
| Anderletcht | 9 | 6 | 3 | 0 | 0 | 15 | 3 | 21 |
| Monchengladbach | 9 | 6 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 23 | 11 | 18 |
| Atletico Madrid | 8 | 4 | 1 | 3 | 1 | 10 | 7 | 12 |
| Standard Liege | 9 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 0 | 11 | 14 | 11 |
| Atalanta | 8 | 1 | 4 | 3 | 0 | 9 | 17 | 7 |
| Tottenham | 9 | 0 | 1 | 8 | 4 | 4 | 20 | -3 |
| Saturday 3rd June |
| ......... Standard Liege v Tottenham ......... |
| ......... Anderlecht v Atletico Madrid ......... |
| ......... Atalanta v Monchengladbach ......... |
With Atletico and Atalanta having to play their game in hand on Wednesday this group is not quite as cut and dry as it appears at the bottom.
The other fixtures perhaps favour Monchengladbach who travel to Atalanta but in truth 1st and 2nd could still change as the GD is almost identical, if it comes to goals scored surely the German side will be favourties. Tottenham have won the wodden spoon.
group 4 - final day scenarios - youth cup
| GROUP 4 | P | W | D | L | C | F | A | Pts |
| Liverpool | 9 | 7 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 20 | 9 | 22 |
| Lokomotiv Moscow | 9 | 6 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 20 | 6 | 20 |
| Benfica | 9 | 5 | 0 | 4 | 2 | 18 | 17 | 13 |
| Sassuolo | 9 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 0 | 12 | 9 | 11 |
| Fenerbarche | 9 | 3 | 0 | 6 | 2 | 6 | 14 | 7 |
| Celta Vigo | 9 | 0 | 1 | 8 | 1 | 3 | 24 | 0 |
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Saturday 3rd June |
| ......... Lokomotiv Moscow v Benfica ......... |
| ......... Liverpool v Sassuolo ......... |
| ......... Celta Vigo v Fenerbarche ......... |
If Liverpool win they will be top - if they draw and Lokomotiv win then Liverpool will finish 2nd. Either way it is likely that they will have a home tie in the knock outs - whether that be in Round 2 or 3 remains to be defined.
Benfica's dramatic win against Sassiolo puts them in the driving seat for finishing 3rd - but again only the top 4 3rd place sides go to the Youth Cup - the remainder dropping to the Youth Shield...
Celta are bottom and despite a good start Fenertarche are also out.
group 10 - final day scenarios - youth cup
| GROUP 10 | P | W | D | L | C | F | A | Pts |
| Athletic Club | 9 | 6 | 1 | 2 | 0 | 16 | 12 | 19 |
| Napoli | 9 | 5 | 3 | 1 | 0 | 20 | 8 | 18 |
| Hellas Verona | 9 | 4 | 3 | 2 | 0 | 14 | 12 | 15 |
| Genoa | 9 | 3 | 2 | 4 | 0 | 9 | 12 | 11 |
| Club Brugge | 9 | 2 | 2 | 5 | 1 | 7 | 15 | 7 |
| Swansea | 9 | 0 | 3 | 6 | 0 | 7 | 14 | 3 |
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Saturday 3rd June |
| ......... Hellas Verona v Genoa ......... |
| ......... Club Brugge v Napoli ......... |
| ......... Swansea v Athletic Club ......... |
Swansea and Brugge are out but could have a say in the final shake up.
Genoa last years finalists will finish 4th, Hellas Berona should finish 3rd.
Napoli are surely the strongest team in the group yet have produced some poor results.
Espanyol on the Road to Recovery!
Since dropping to Division 5 three seasons ago Espanyol have had one long term goal in mind and it looks as though this season could be their best opportunity to attain it. The goal in question is the promotion of the Barcelona based club back up to Division 4 while developing an improving squad.
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Anthony Modeste
(Teams top scorer)
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At the start of the season the season the squad looked strong with good first team choices and appropriate depth. Along the course of the first half of the season changes have been made and several new stars have joined while a few have also departed. The season started with fans excited to see how their side would do with Demba Ba and Raul Garcia both starting their first full seasons at the club. The pairing seemed to work well with the forward bagging 4 goals and 4 assists in 11 games and helping the side to second in the table, however, following the signing of Anthony Modeste the Senegal striker was deemed excess and was used as part of a deal to get in the experienced Wesley Sneijder. Having seen great form from Ba some fans were unsure what to think of his French replacement up front, but since then Anthony Modeste has netted 9 times in 10 games and picked up 5 man of the match awards, he is the second highest scorer in the league behind Cheick Diabate who has scored just one more goal in 19 appearances, 9 more than Modeste. The midfield partnership has also worked well with Garcia picking up 3 goals and 4 assists in the opening half of the season while newcomer Sneijder has provided 3 assists with one goal in his 8 games. Younousse Sankhare and Yannis Salibur were also both brought in to add to the midfield options and have both played well when called upon. The defence was also tightened up with the acquisitions of Antonio Luna, Luca Rossettini and Andrea Masiello along with the surprise signings of Fredreic Guilbert and Jordy Gaspar from Napoli. The squad has been improved but some areas are still falling short. Earle has openly said he is still looking for an improved right back and still alternates between the two starting goalkeepers. Unfortunately, neither has been able to find consistent form and both could soon face competition from Fernando Pacheco who is yet to make his debut. If one was to step up and nail his place in the starting role it would surely help the defence improve while giving the Spaniards the boos the desperately need.
At the mid-point of the season it would look as though the Spaniards are having a good campaign, they sit in 3rd with 29 points along side 4 other teams, they are ahead on goal difference and are fighting for automatic promotion and arguably have the strongest side out of the surrounding teams. They have the 4th best attacking record and joint 2nd bet defensive record. However, Earle has says it is not good enough. They are 9 points of the top two and have conceded to sloppy defeats in games they expected to win. The manager has stated that for any chance at automatic promotion the slip ups must stop and consistency must be established week in week out. He believes the key lies in goal and expects that when one of the three options establish a more permanent place the team will improve.
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Bafetimbi Gomis
(6 goals in all competitions)
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In the Cup competitions, the side has had mixed results. They were knocked out in the first round of the Top 100 Cup by Crystal Palace and, despite picking up some good results, couldn’t progress through the group stages of the World Club Cup. However, they have found some good performances to progress to the 4th round of the Top 100 Shield where they will face Stoke City on Tuesday. It is expected that Bafetimbi Gomis will be back in the cup squad after a short stint in the first team following some good form in all competitions. The Espanyol youth team are also in a good position to progress from the group stages for the first time in their history.
With the season hotting up Earle is looking to bring in more impact players, specifically in defence and goal. The Spaniards have had advances for several keepers refused including the likes of Marco Sportiello and Peter Gulacsi. The club still have two or three options which they may be forced to take if their current three don’t improve. Approaches for wing backs have also been made with similar results. Daninlo D’Ambroso, Allan Nyom and Conserva Fagner were all options for Espanyol but all 3 have had offers for them rejected. Rumours suggest bids for Brice Dja Djedje or Neto Zeca are being prepared but the club has yet to make a formal bid. They also said they would entertain offers for youth defender Issa Diop in the hope of improving the first team. There are believed to have been many offers but Earle wasn’t interested in any of the initial bids, Hamburg are now the leading for the Frenchman although it seems the 20-year-old has no intention of leaving.
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Issa Diop
(Youth sensation)
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“I love it here, I think the club is moving in the right direction and I want to be part of that. I have friends here and the atmosphere is so positive. I think as a team we are constantly improving and some of the recent signings have shown that. I think I have shown my ability when I’ve played and want to stay and push for a first team spot”.
The youth captain is one of several French youngsters in the Under-21’s side who are tipped for greatness. Boubacar Kamara, Andrew Gravillon, Safwan Mbae and Jordy Gaspar all offer defensive options while Tristan Muyamba and Jean-Victor Makengo play in midfield. Earle has worked hard to develop the youth which was virtually non-existent last season and believes two or three of them could be first teamers within two seasons. However, he also knows his main aim is first team success, and that the league is the priority. He was asked about the season so far and the offers received for Diop, this is what he had to say;
“We know what our goals are and we know what we have to do to get them. Obviously, the league is the most important thing to us and promotion is our target. We feel we have put together a squad which can compete in several competitions without issue and I think so far, we’re doing that well. We’ve had a few unwanted results which we need to eliminate and if we do that we should be fine. But currently we’re our own biggest enemy. In terms of Diop he’s not one that we ‘want’ to sell, it’s more that we are aware of the interest from other clubs and are always open to offers. If there’s nothing that we aren’t 100% sure of he won’t be leaving, but if there’s the chance to improve the team on a whole then we may go ahead with it if he player is happy”.
The Spaniards have also launched bids for new attacking options with Bonfim Marlos and Nicola Kalinic both being targets. It is expected that Ozan Tufan may be used in a deal to bolster the attack while Miguel Danny may be heading for the exit.
Fans will expect the second half of the season to improve with promotion looking likely but not for certain. Anthony Modeste, Raul Garcia and Wesley Sneijder will be heavily depended on and will be key to the Spaniards campaign. If the French forward can keep up his form he may be heading for a record season. Only time will tell if Espanyol can pick up their season and perform to their full potential and finally restore themselves to a Division 4 side once again.
Big Barbs Diary #3
Yes it's...Big Barbs Diary #3
#3... Score in a Brothel
Hi everybody. I'm Victor Big Barbs Ibarbo & I play centre forward for a cute little Brazilian club known as Sao Paula, no, Sao Paulo that's the one.
And yes, it is your lucky day cos.... this is my Diary! Yay!!
Hi there commoners & welcome to another 'Big Barbs Diary.
YOU COULDN'T SCORE IN A BROTHEL is the chant that was viciously aimed a me by those disgusting, uncouth Marseilles street rats yesterday. And it hurt. Which is why I walked off after 20 minutes & didn't come back on till just before half time. Yes, you heard me, I walked off the field of play, if Montari can do it why not Big Barbs? I was hurting, it was a protest at the slanderous chants against my goal scoring abilities, I was in the RIGHT!.
Try telling that to that excuse of a manager Wheels - he bollocked me so hard - in front of the dressing room at half time I might add- that his false eye fell in Cesar's pot noodle.
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| Eye eye! Where's me other one gone then? |
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| A pot noodle today |
Tell that to FIFA who are on about making an 'example' of me. And tell that to the Spoons fan who sent me a whole dead duck through the post - yes, that really happened, saved me popping to Brazilian Aldi though.
Enough of your favourite player for now, it's time for some 'behind the scenes beans at Sao Paulo.
Gildarno
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| Gilds signalling to the bench |
Well it's been a long time coming but Gilds pelvic floor has finally given way & totally prolapsed.
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| Manager Wheels at the press conference |
It's no secret in the game that Gilds anal bead use was at a scary level & he's finally paid the ultimate price. Can't see him playing again, especially since he's now glued himself into his commode.
Wheels
The fuckwit with the Spoons kit is under pressure & boy does it show. His drinking has become almost constant & he's always on the phone those arestrology lines trying to pick a winning side. He may as well just roll a dice cos most of the squad think he's a fuckin retard & couldn't give a toss anyway. Well, that's my opinion at least.
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| Managers Breakfast |
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| Some chillies today |
Sansone
The tossboss has gone & signed some young kid from Arsenal, some cocky fuckin big knob I'll bet. We've had 'em here before. Some Dragons Breath chillies in his undercrackers, verucas in his porridge and LSD in his energy drink will soon sort 'im out. 12 hours mentally tripping with Big Barbs gyating around you to the sounds of Telly Savalas is enough to break any young mind.
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| Sansone prior to his move |
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| Sansone after a week at Spoons |
We'll soon having him drooling into his cornflakes & playing like a shit banjo, he'll fit in nicely then.
T100
That clown Beddows should be happy, he's finally won a trophy, well his 'fans' have - fans, they're more like hired goons - yes the annual worlds ugliest fans has been won by Milan this year, just pipping Celtic & Liverpool to the prize. Villa fans will be distraught after winning it the last 2 years on the trot but thats what you get when you let women shave.
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| Some Milan Fans today |
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| Bruin as Simon Cowell didn't go down well on set |
David Senior at Valencia is rumoured to be auditioning for a part in the new Spice Girls reboot. This tells the modern day story of 5 young, fiesty women who form a band that scores chart success with bubbly
girl powered pop until they get ripped apart by Spice, eventually being responsible for some of the most odious & depraves sex crimes in British history. I've heard David's got a good chance of playing bABY sPICE.
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| Senior in a earlier casting shoot |
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| Broodin' Putin |
That's about it from me, can't write much more cos I'm on a train filled with Lokomotiv fans who are all jumping up & down cos their poxy team is top of some league. I've just sent an email to Putin informing him all about their new song 'Crimea belongs to Ukraine's democratically elected Government' with the whole 6 verses
in full so we'll see how long they're celebrating for.
see ya soon, tarra a bit kids
Torino Mid Season Report
As we reach the half way point of the season it’s time to review Torino’s season. After narrowly missing out on promotion through the playoffs last season the Torino board issued a simple ultimatum to the Aussie manager this season…..
The message was promotion or don’t let the door hit you on the way out. Not wanting to be known as the Blunder from Down Under Huddo went about ensuring the Italian clubs demands would be met.
So as we head towards the half way mark Torino’s thereabouts for promotion occupying 7th place in Division 5 and the last promotion playoff spot with a modest return of 26 points from 18 games played.
In terms of transfers the biggest move was trading out top scorer from last season Eder for defender Knoche as we looked to add some more steel to a leaky defence and hope that the likes of Negredo and Origi up front would ensure that the departure of Eder would not be felt.
Overall we have managed to bag 23 goals which is a bit below most of the top teams but the defence has improved with less goals conceded as we averaging just over a goal per game.
There has been speculation in the Italian press that manager Huddo has been distracted by expressing interest in vacancies in recent jobs like Benfica and Dortmund the bookies have not had short odds on offer for the Aussie as you could have got 200/1 for either vacant job.
In terms of odds to retain his job and avoid being the Blunder from Down Under the bookies are offering decent odds of 8/1 for Torino to gain promotion so the Torino fans will be hoping that by the end of the season the Aussie manager can become the King of Turin!
The 'LPF'
‘Level Playing Field’ - ‘The LPF’
The idea can really only go ahead if people within T100 are on board, what with those in the GW being the elite & trustworthy managers that we’ve come across in our time on SM. The idea is to make it less time consuming than T100 but different so it can offer some originality. I’ve come to terms that standard, public game worlds are far too riddled with cheats & alike to bother with now so dropping them & having 1/2 great custom worlds along with T100 is where I’m headed personally.
The basic idea for the GW I have constructed below, but alike to the creating of T100, I’d like to have a rounded collection of ideas for rules & such. The more original & different to T100 perhaps the better for longevity & appeal so I’m opening up the idea to everyone to see what kind of things we can come up with additionally to what I’ve knocked together so far.
- Initial 5000 seats in stadium capacity difference. (Potential changes to 7500, but of course they need to be within as close capacity as possible as after all it’s the ‘LPF’.
- Initial rating difference 78 - 81 (3) 10 x 78, 13 x 79, 11 x 80, 6 x 81 (Teams found below)
- £20m starting budget (I believe the lower the better to start with, more concentrated & tactical plus of course budgets long term can be strained due to the lower & more level stadium sizes.
- I want this to be a long term project that dedicated managers need to put time into before we get to a point where all the top players are at managed clubs, therefore with the starting squads, budget & stadium capacities it should take time to get to that point.
- 4/5 Divisions of 10 teams depending on demand.
- 2 Fixtures v opponent (Home/Away)
- 2 Relegation spots per division
- 25 man first team & 25 youth team - Cap to ensure no hoarding of either. Due to the lower budget, team starting ratings & such I’m sure some managers would certainly horde for the long term in youth players. The work around is that teams might just take 50 under 21s but separate 25 & 25, might need to enforce something more so here?
- No transfers until all 40/50 teams are controlled, preferably have all 40/50 teams & managers arranged much before the date the GW starts.
- No managerial sackings for the first 5 seasons to allow squad building, (Shorter seasons anyway) then 1 per season potentially, maybe sackings with the way this GW leads towards time, effort, squad building & such, sackings is something that shouldn’t come into play for quite some time, to be revisited, potentially no sackings.
- Shouldn’t be many 86+ players at start (Believe ‘Terek' (Extra swap side) to have the only 87 but Brighton being promoted could soon change that & so the quicker the GW is created the better)
- There are certainly some sides that are better than others due to squad depth & ability to quickly manipulate a better Avg. rating from selling 70 rated players at the club.
- No additional competitions at least for the first season which I believe should be focussed on team building & getting confident positions with those sides, something else to be revisited.
Sister Blog to T100
- Due to all the above, I think there is a need for a blog to keep the GW fun & interactive in the first season & moving forward as without any competitions in between the generic league & cup games it will be one where there’s unlikely to be a lot happening, which is good as I don’t want to take away from Top 100.
- In terms of blog content, I wouldn’t want to steal ideas from T100 so any kid of TOTW based things to be different in whatever ways we could possibly come up with, lets keep it original.
- Perhaps all managers invited should be blog posters on T100, a willingness to do so for The LPF, increased chances of interaction & dedication to the GW.
- The T100 blog has quietened over time but is at the exact place the ‘LPF’ blog would want to be where you see the occasional team post, updates on transfers & club development as such.
Managers
- Managers - Of course similarly to T100 the managers that are invited into the GW need to be legit, trusted, active managers, good core likely to be taken from T100 itself more than likely.
- 10 day login limit of course, 7 doesn’t seem to work because SM are useless.
Teams
So team list I’ve put together, admittedly around Brighton, as I would like to manage them being from & a fan of the club, & the stadium size is average so it suits.
Of course preference to you guys throwing together ideas should the GW go ahead on whom you would like, if there’s swap sides or alternates within or very close to the initial / current 40 criteria we could adapt.
Some quite quirky / different sides currently which makes it unique & different. Certainly sides involved that the majority will have never managed before.
40 teams, 78-81, stadiums 28,000-33,000, at this point very few squads have any 87 players.
- Wolverhampton - 31,700 - Avg. 78
- Duisburg - 31,500 - Avg. 79
- Blackburn Rovers - 31,367 - Avg. 79
- Bochum - 31,328 - Avg. 81
- Dynamo Dresden - 32,066 - Avg. 78
- Malmo FF - 30,000 - Avg. 80
- Boavista FC - 28,263 - Avg. 79
- Maccabi Haifa - 30,874 - Avg. 81
- Nottingham Forest - 30,602 - Avg. 80
- Anzhi Makhachkala - 30,000 - Avg. 79
- Real Oviedo - 30,500 - Avg. 81
- Ipswich Town - 30,311 - Avg. 78
- Brighton - 30,750 - Avg. 81
- Birmingham City - 30,009 - Avg. 79
- Hurcules - 30,000 - Avg. 78
- Wacker Innsbruck - 30,000 - Avg. 78
- Karlsruher - 29,699 - Avg. 80
- Brondby IF - 29,000 - Avg. 80
- RC Strasbourg - 29,230 - Avg. 80
- FC St Pauli - 29,063 - Avg. 78
- Hansa Rostock - 29,000 - Avg. 78
- Sanliurfaspor - 28,965 - Avg. 79
- Bolton Wanderers - 28,723 - Avg. 80
- Rapid Wien - 28,000 - Avg. 80
- Perugia - 28,000 - Avg. 79
- FK Qarabag - 31,200 - Avg. 79
- FC Astana - 30,000 - Avg. 79
- EC Vitoria - 30,146 - Avg. 79
- Academica De Coimbra - 30,210 - 79
- Steua Bucuresti - 28,365 - Avg. 79
- Grasshopper-Club - 30,000 - Avg. 79
- FC Zurich - 30,000 - Avg. 80
- Hammarby - 33,000 - Avg. 78
- CFR Cluj - 30, 335 - Avg. 78
- FK Partizan - 32,710 - Avg. 78
- Kayserispor - 32,864 - Avg. 80
- Levski Sofia - 29,200 - Avg. 80
- Antalyaspor - 33,000 - Avg. 80
- Young Boys - 32,000 - Avg. 81
- Valerenga - 28,000 - Avg. 78
Potential alternate clubs still within good range of the initial 40;
- Parma - 27,906 - Avg. 75
- Slavia Sofia - 32,000 - Avg. 77
- Gornik Sabre - 31,871 - Avg. 76
- Calcio Padova - 32,336 - Avg. 78
- Real Murcia - 33,000 - Avg. 77
- Reggina - 27,763 - Avg. 77
- Terek Grozny - 30,597 - Avg. 81
- Servette FC - 30,084 - Avg. 78
- Brescia - 27,547 - Avg. 77
- MK Dons - 30,500 - Avg. 77
- Coventry City - 32,602 - Avg. 77
- Charlton Athletic - 27,111 - Avg. 78
- Derby County - 33,597 - Avg. 81
- Real Sporting - 29,538 - Avg. 81
- PAOK - 28,703 - Avg. 80
- Sheffield United - 32,702 - Avg. 78
- Bristol City - 27,000 - Avg. 78
- Arminia Bielefeld - 27,300 - Avg. 80
- Cardiff - 33,280 - Avg. 80
- Wisla Krakow - 33,268 - Avg. 79
In terms of the teams & divisions I’m open to suggestions, random, drawn, higher ratings D1, lower ratings D1 etc.
Should there be numbers that are interested & committed to the new GW the plan would be to designate clubs to managers ASAP with creation of the GW coming at some stage this month / early June.
Big Barbs Diary #2
Yes it's...Big Barbs Diary #2
Welcome to.....Big Barbs Diary
Hi everybody. I'm Victor Big Barbs Ibarbo & I play centre forward for a cute little Brazilian club known as Sao Paula, no, Sao Paulo that's the one.
And yes, it is your lucky day cos.... this is my Diary! Yay!!
Firstly Sao went on a jolly to Genoa for some cup game or other. Now anyone who's ever seen me knows I looove Italian fashion, and yes, you'r right, it loves me. So I'd packed me bags, all me pills, me fags, me 'roids, the bloody lot & the gaffer only turns round to me & says 'your not coming Barbs, you're looking a bit tired, I'm resting you bab'.
Well, I couldn't believe me ears but before you could say sloppy seconds they'd foocked off & left me at the airport!
I was livid, tired my arse. I'd only been out at Club Rouge till 3am for fucks sake, & I went home alone - well, I say alone, the bastard collapsed face down in 'is kebab so I fooked off & left 'im there.But that bastard Wheels wasn't finished there. He only went & signed that old crock Gildarno to play in my place. The fooking liberty! I know this cos he came through airport security while I was there.
Well he tried to anyway. Now the thing about Gilds as anyone that's been in the game as long as me knows is that 'es famous for one thing & one thing only. That's right, Anal Beads. And he only had the fuckers in on the plane didn't he! Well 3 hours and 6 cavity searches later he finally joined me in the bar. I was on my 15th Guinness by then so not too smashed to drive so I took him back to my place & gave him some Mamba horlicks to calm 'is nerves. Meanwhile Spoons had pulled off a 'famous' victory in Genoa apparently, that little runt Gregoritsch scored & if I know 'im, that wasn't all that got pulled off either.
Next 'ome game the gaffer only goes an' starts Gildy, what the fuck? I'd shat in 'is boots & put caustic soda in 'is jockstrap but even then that fookin joke of a gaffer didn't bring me on till the 60th minute.
Fook this for a game of soldiers I said to myself, Barbs, you've gotta do something now to make the gaffer realise how valuable you are to this team, to get those fans singing your name again - so I went down with extreme period pains & got myself stretchered off and I'll be fooked if I'm coming back for at least a week - fuck 'em.
Yes it's...Big Barbs Diary #1
Welcome to.....Big Barbs Diary
Hi everybody. I'm Victor Big Barbs Ibarbo & I play centre forward for a cute little Brazilian club known as Sao Paula, no, Sao Paulo that's the one.
And yes, it is your lucky day cos.... this is my Diary! Yay!!
Well, I've got a right cob on and it's not my fault, it's these ruddy 'ormones, can't get 'em right. I went to the club doctor & you know what he said? He said 'piss off Barbs, I've got nothing that will help you, you fat twat'. Can you believe that?
Well, that's just the tip of the iceberg that is, things at this club have been going proper down hill in my opinion.
Apparently the gaffer has been sniffing round some striker called 'Sanmartin', Sanmartin for fucks sake, what sort of name is that? Well St. Etienne were offering the jug eared pisspot for my mate Miguel (Britos) plus some cash. Well me & Migs weren't 'avin that. We nipped into the gaffers office, hacked his email, not hard, his passport is Spoons – what a nonce – then fired off a mail to Etienne saying the deal is off. Gaffer has no idea, well he never does, too busy trying to fuck things up round 'ere, can't leave well alone.
I mean, I scored last game but that cnut of a ref gave it offside, offside for fucks sake, probably only half my left tit was in front of the last man & that's the hormones fault that is, can't blame me.
Gaffer keeps banging on how I was top scorer last seasons but this season nothing. That's gratitude for you that is, he knows it's a balancing act with these hormones, one tweak & I'm all over the place like a leper in a gale
Anyway, I went to B&M Bargains today to stock up on my pills and those multi packs of Roysters & who did I see in there but Beddows & Frank going down the women's products aisle with their bag on wheels. Now I'm not one to nose but it wasn't until I was right behind them that I heard em slagging off T100 managers left right & centre. I couldn't believe my ears so I gathered up my medication, pulled my Burkha down low & followed behind.
It didn't take long before I heard them saying that Alex (McLean) can't take his drink & is regularly seen sleeping rough round Milan in piss soaked tramps trousers & that Gino did time for spiking his youth team's sherbet dib-dabs with ketamine cos he hates the kids, and maybe the worst, that cos PMW wanks so much, his eyesight is now so bad he once went on a date with Del Piero thinking he was Del Ray. I could go on but I'm no gossip & after watching them empty the shelf of sanitary products & mace I headed out and down the boozer for a much needed fag & Guinness.
Well that's me done for today, remember if you can't eat it, it's probably not food.
me after that bastard offside decision
Tarra babs....
Big Barbs
P.S. Even I can't believe what they said about Roy Keane.
Levante press conference
Following last seasons heroics, and missing out on the play offs on the last day, Levante have made a slow start to the new season. The club have registered 3 draws and 3 defeats in the league, and defeats to Besiktas & Feyenoord in the World Club Cup.
The youth team have registered the only win for the club so far this season, beating Italian side Chievo Verona 2 - 0 last weekend. The youth side are in action again tonight against Dynamo Kiev, and before the game, Parfitt answered questions to the press.
Press: You only just missed out on the play offs last season, why are you not fighting at the top of the league right now?
Parfitt: Because we havent got enough points dickhead.
Press: So is this how you see the rest of the season going?
Parfitt: No. We've made some major additions to the squad in Gervinho, Fernando Torres and Vedran Corluka. Give them a few weeks to bed in and we'll be flying. Look back a couple of years to when Olympiacos went up. They were absolute gash at the start of the season, far worse than we are right now, but they did the job. I'll be surprised if we dont finish somewhere up at the sharp end.
Press: Do you think that the big name like Gervinho and Torres coming in will upset the balance and spirit of the squad?
Parfitt: No, absolutely not, Torres will probably be top scorer in the league, even though he's only signed 5 games in, and Gervinho should hit double figures as well once he gets going.
Press: Last season, in the WCC, you were sleighing giants week in, week out, what's gone wrong this season?
Parfitt: We've played 2 games, both against higher league opponents. We can't be expected to win them all. That said, we have Juventus still to play yet, so we should be good for some points in those games.
Press: Last season, you said you would stand down if the club didnt improve in every area on the season before, you're still here. Care to explain.
Parfitt: We had our highest ever league finish, we had the best goal difference we've ever had, we scored more than the season before, we had better cup runs at first team and youth team level. The only thing was goals against, and we only conceded one goal more than the season before. I felt that overall, last season represented an improvement on the one before, so here I am.
Press: You didn't make any bold predictions pre season, scared?
Parfitt: Scared of what? The only ones that should be scared are the other 99 managers in Top 100. We are strengthening the first team squad, we've got kids who will be in the first team soon as well. I think we are in a great position to push on, and when, not if, but when we go up, we'll be in with a decent shout of going straight up again.
Press: The youth cup tonight will be the first time the kids have played since Isaac Success left. Do you think they'll be weakened by his loss?
Parfitt: Any team will miss their best players, but Che Adams will probably come in for his debut tonight. He's a decent talent. Well obviously he is, I signed him, and I dont sign pups. I might ask a few girls if they want to see some though.....
Press: You got Jorritt Hendrix in on loan from Arsenal. What was the thinking behind that?
Parfitt: He gives us a bit versatility as he can play in defence, and anchor the midfield. Also, I want to learn the guitar, and who better than the greatest guitar player of all time to learn from? I'll probably play Foxy Lady for the lads in the dressing room tomorrow night.
Press: Talk is that AC Milan will be looking for a new man at the end of the season. Any chance of you casting your name into the hat?
Parfitt: What, and have Beddow's sloppy seconds? I'd rather spend the night shaving my gonads with a cheese grater. I'd win the league with that AC side, but I think I'll still be here next season. I wouldnt mind a crack at Santos one day, who doesn't fancy looking after Pele's club? Not many others really stand out at the moment though.
Press: One final question Tom, which managers would you compare yourself to?
Parfitt: Other managers compare themselves to me.
Division 5 season 5 stats and facts
50% of D5 sides are still in or have landed back in D5 after 5 seasons. Who will do better than the 50% who remain this season.
The current standings are a tale of 4 teams. West Ham and Espanyol who are living up to expectations at the top of the league , and Levant or Torino who are doing less well.
The top 4 in D5 should be able to cope 2 divisions higher and therefore should seek to make rapid progress. Torino are the best equiped statistically and as the season progresses , like Levante can only improve.
But they have given West Ham a huge lead and other than lacking a little depth they are a strong side. Espanyol have more depth but a weaker back line, perhaps where the 4 point gap the Hammers have has come from.
Hertha Berlin, Cologne and River Plate are doing well as expected, any or all could challenge for the final automatic place. Augsburg and Kazan are over performing at the moment. Kazan have no depth and Augsburg a weak defense so it will interesting to see how they cope in the long term. The cut off for D4 is around 87 , so anyone down to Independiente could hope for a playoff spot.
With no relegation spot ,only the sack race is a problem for thw worse 2 teams.
In theory that should be Kazan and Augsburg but they already have a good number of points. West Brom and Anderlecht will therefore have to pull something out of the fire to avoid that spot, with argueably better teams below them.
| GK | DEF | MID | ATT | Top18 | Average | Fin | |
| Torino | 89.0 | 88.3 | 88.5 | 88.5 | 87.0 | 88.3 | 1.0 |
| RCD Espanyol | 88.0 | 87.5 | 89.0 | 89.0 | 87.0 | 88.1 | 2.0 |
| West Ham United | 88.0 | 88.3 | 89.0 | 88.5 | 86.0 | 88.0 | 3.0 |
| Levante UD | 88.0 | 88.3 | 88.5 | 89.5 | 85.0 | 87.9 | 4.0 |
| H. Berlin | 88.0 | 88.3 | 87.7 | 88.5 | 86.0 | 87.7 | 5.0 |
| Cologne | 89.0 | 87.3 | 88.0 | 88.5 | 85.0 | 87.6 | 6.0 |
| River Plate | 88.0 | 88.3 | 88.3 | 88.0 | 85.0 | 87.5 | 7.0 |
| FK Partizan | 88.0 | 88.0 | 87.5 | 87.0 | 86.0 | 87.3 | 8.0 |
| Málaga CF | 87.0 | 87.5 | 87.3 | 87.5 | 87.0 | 87.3 | 9.0 |
| Montpellier HSC | 87.0 | 87.7 | 87.0 | 88.5 | 86.0 | 87.2 | 10.0 |
| Lille OSC | 88.0 | 87.3 | 87.7 | 88.0 | 85.0 | 87.2 | 11.0 |
| Bremen | 87.0 | 87.0 | 87.0 | 87.5 | 87.0 | 87.1 | 12.0 |
| Independiente | 87.0 | 87.7 | 87.7 | 88.0 | 85.0 | 87.1 | 13.0 |
| FC Twente | 87.0 | 86.5 | 87.7 | 88.5 | 85.0 | 86.9 | 14.0 |
| Club Brugge KV | 87.0 | 86.5 | 87.7 | 87.0 | 85.0 | 86.6 | 15.0 |
| Flamengo | 86.0 | 87.5 | 87.5 | 87.0 | 85.0 | 86.6 | 16.0 |
| RSC Anderlecht | 87.0 | 87.0 | 86.5 | 86.5 | 86.0 | 86.6 | 17.0 |
| West Bromwich Albion | 87.0 | 86.5 | 87.0 | 87.0 | 85.0 | 86.5 | 18.0 |
| Augsburg | 88.0 | 85.5 | 87.3 | 86.5 | 85.0 | 86.5 | 19.0 |
| Rubin Kazan | 88.0 | 86.0 | 87.0 | 87.5 | 83.0 | 86.3 | 20.0 |