Daily Hamburger: Post-Pre-Season Depression


Today’s menu:

  • Preview of tonight’s home game
  • Ratings changes
  • Best managed club
  • Favourites to go down

Spartak Moskva

Hamburg are looking to get their first win of the season tonight at home to Spartak Moskva.

After and unbeaten pre-season, Spartak got off to a flyer with a 2-0 victory at Dynamo Kyiv. Two home defeats to Saint-Etienne and Hellas Verona have rather punctured their balloon, and they must be travelling to northern Germany for tonight’s match feeling more than a little deflated.

Red Shorts gaffer Marsden had this to say at this morning’s pre-match press conference:

‘We had a good pre-season, playing a new 4-3-3 formation, but it all fell apart as soon as points were at stake. I’m going to do an analysis of pre-season games to settle the debate once and for all.

‘I used to think they don’t mean anything, but now I’m thinking they mean the opposite of what you might think they should mean. If you know what I mean?

Marsden prepares to post his team selection, with a 50p piece sellotaped to the back, to Gore HQ

‘Team news: Seamus Coleman’s out, of course. Can I defend what he did to Gomis last Sunday? Let’s just say, he was going for a ball.

‘Anyway, Lassie will come in at right back. Robbie and Artie will come back in for Ramsie and Cainie.

‘Cainie?

‘Cain and Abel.

‘Abel Hernandez.

‘It’s in the Bible.

‘No, I don’t read the Bible.

‘Do you?

‘Maybe you should?

‘I’m disappointed with the start, just like you all are.

‘Apart from last time out, when we were awful, we’ve been good in the first two games.

‘Anderlecht are obviously a very strong side under the best manager in Top 100.

‘Against Sao Paulo, we just couldn’t stick our chances away. Hopefully, that will change tonight.’

Ratings Changes

‘Obviously, I disagree them. Full stop.

‘No way Aduriz should have gone down. But so did Kalanic. So we’re no worse off.

‘Yes, I know he’s old enough to be Kalanic’s granddad.

‘Yes, Ekambi went up, but have you seen him play? I know I haven’t!

‘Same with Pereyra. He’s miles better than Doucoure, yet they are rated the same? It’s bollocks.

‘Of course, they’re different players.

‘Mangala stayed the same, right? I should have listened to Andre [Guerra, Porto manager]!

Best Managed Club

‘Best managed club is Celtic.

‘Closely followed by Dynamo Kyiv.

‘Chievo Verona. Very well managed. Sassuolo, too.

‘Genoa, obviously. And Hertha, Villarreal, Espanyol, Juve. Internacional, of course. Standard Liege. Wolfsburg. Werder Bremen. Ajax. Hamburg.

‘I’d say there are a few teams doing really well.

‘But no one is better managed than Celtic.

‘They are the only team who have improved their position in Top 100 every season.’

‘But in terms of personnel, it’s hard to look past Juve. I mean, they have just loaned out most of their youth squad.

‘DP’s analysis of his boys is faultless, really.’

Favourites To Go Down

‘Alex is obviously a bit touchy, and so he should be after the start they’ve had. 
‘Eight goals conceded in two home games?
‘It’s a shame, as they had made lots of progress under Alex last season. Best ever finish.’

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