Benvenuto in Italia Tom

New Torino boss Tom Parfitt has today spoken to the press about his time at Benfica, what happened with Villarreal, his hopes for the future with Torino and what being in Italy could mean not just for himself, but also for other managers.

“Firstly, apologies for my tardiness, but it was hell trying to get in here today. It was like the whole of Italy had come out to welcome me. Not that you could blame them though, it’s the first time a manager of my calibre has set foot on this fair land.

Honestly, in hindsight I think I did an outrageous job with Benfica. The squad Nuno left behind was young, to the point that during training, we had to take time out of skills practice to teach half the squad the green cross code. 

On top of that, some of the departures rocked the boat a little. Maybe they should have finished a little higher in the league, but at the end of the day, as a wise man once said, you don’t win anything with kids. That said, I’ll be looking to bring a few younger lads to Turin. I also think it’s fair to say that if you look at what I did with Benfica, and combine that with the time at Levante, it’s at best unlikely that the Iberian Peninsula will ever see a better manager.

That’s actually why I was only at Villerreal a matter of days. Beddows saw the transfer deals I had made, and knew that once I was back in Spain, Real Madrid would instantly become at best the second side in the country. With that in mind, he got me forced out of the club before a ball had been kicked. On the other hand, he was instrumental in getting Doug Earle in at Atletico Madrid. Not only that, but apparently some joker called Broon is being hand-picked for the gig at Villerreal. It’s unbelieveable really, but that’s the way it goes in the World we live in.

Speaking of Broon, I found something that is more exciting than watching his teams play.

I’ll tell you something though, I’d have loved to have been a fly on the wall when DP found out I was coming to Turin. He must be absolutely shitting it. He’s already come out and said that there will be no loan deals or cross city link ups between the two clubs. To be honest that is absolutely fine by me. Who does he have that would even get in the team here anyway? Kinnear did an amazing job putting the foundations in place, and now it’s up to me to build the rest of the mansion on top, and if there is one thing I know about building mansions, it’s that you don’t get very far by borrowing bricks from somebody named after a move performed by an athletic young lady in a skin flick.

I bet Franko over at Genoa is changing his pants a lot more regularly now as well. He’s another one that knows that their time as the big dog in Italy has come to an end. They’ll be dogs still, but not big ones. They’ll be the sort you find licking its gonads in an alley behind a restaurant hoping for the leftovers out of the bin at closing time.  

Bottom line is that they both know Torino will win the first division before either of them do. We’ll be the next Italian side to do it. We might even be the first Italian side to do it, I haven’t been arsed to go through the history books and check. All I know for sure is Juventus are more likely to blow it than your missus, and AC wouldn’t have come near while Beddows was in charge because he’s shite.

I don’t normally do predictions, but next season put your money on Torino winning div 4, and Levante coming second with Villerreal winning div 2. It’ll happen, and I’ll be the first manager to be promoted with three different sides in the same season. We’ll probably win a cup as well. Maybe even two and start off with a cheeky treble. I reckon that should get me recognition off the Pope, and maybe one of them cool superhero Popemobile cars that he has.

As for the rest of them, who else is there to worry about? McLean is a decent manager, but even he’s going to have a twitchy bum when he sees us coming up the divisions. Nuno, he’d love to be me, but the fact is that he isn’t even fit to lace my shoes. He’s not even fit to lace his own shoes. Actually, I sent one of my scouts to spy on his training methods at West Brom, and they took a little photo for me. I’ll share it with you all so you know what he’s telling his players.

Doug, did well at a small club, but doesn’t have the stones for a big one. He’ll be out of a job at the end of the season.

Lee Reynolds is a good lad, he might go up with us and Levante. I guess the only others to consider in our division are Walter, but he’s another DP, can’t wait to blow it, and the Justice League at Villa.

Nearly forgot to mention PMW at Santos. He’s stillin div 5, but I miss the old boy. We used to have a good rivalry and banter, so hopefully he can get sorted out and start moving up the divisions as well. If not I might nick his job once I’ve created the un-beatables here. He’s got a player I’d like actually. We haven’t made an offer yet, but I’ll be getting in touch and I reckon he’ll be accepting the offer we make. If he doesn’t then I’ve got a large sock with a few snooker balls tucked inside that should help him reconsider.

All in all, I’m delighted to be here. The only thing I’m sorry about is that Sao Paulo got promoted. Not because I dislike them or anything like that, more because it would have been good to go up against Wheels and see how far behind me he is. As a guess, he’ll be one of the closer ones, but we’d have beaten him with his own cutlery collection if it came to it. 

All in all, I’m looking forward to it, and this time next season I’ll be sat here saying thank you for voting me as manager of the season.”