Tha Man(s), The Myth

There have been some strange goings on in the West Midlands recently, and the “Paddlefish” has decided that the time is nigh to bring it to a wider audience.

Disturbances have been reported, and a man in strange garb has been identified by various eye witnesses and seen on CCTV. Although their has not been a positive ID as yet, the figure has been described as wearing an Aldi carrier bag with a Benfica crest drawn on the front, and Parfitt scrawled on the back.

Other witness reports also suggest that actually, the man in question walks around listening to I’ll Be Missing You on a boom box, and actually has Parf Daddy engraved on the back of the carrier bag.
The question therefore needs to be asked. Just exactly who is this mad man, or is it in fact, mad men, and what else do we know about them?

Well one of the characters has been heard muttering under his breath about “his” Benfica squad being ripped apart and left in tatters. About how it is not achieving the greatness that should be automatically bestowed upon it.

The (other?) shady character has been heard to say that the squad he built has been left in good shape despite a Parfitt hurricane attempting to tear it to shreds.

Police have investigated the case and have no leads whatsoever. All they have been able to say is that they feel there is a delusional schizophrenic on the streets of the West Midlands, and should not be approached. Not because he is likely to be dangerous, but because he may well talk you into a confused bubble of your own, from which there may be no escape.

Paddlefish PI however has done some research, and drawn his own conclusions. These conclusions are nased on a combination of hard evidence, hearsay (not the band), and simply making things up.

The first thing to consider is this. Who is in the West Midlands? We can immidiately start to narrow down the field here, and we see that Beddows is surprisingly not likely to be a candidate, and Ruts is also likely to be in the clear. Equally as shocking, Josh probably isnt the crazed fool, and Paddy D, PMW and The Linder all seem equally unlikely.

The most likely suspects would all be Midlands based. With that in mind, the shortlist can therefore be narrowed down to Sir Walter Smith, Anthony Maddison, Nick Justice and Nuno.
Now by process of further elimination, SWS and Anthony are based in Leicester & Stoke respectively. The chances of them dressing in a carrier bad and then heading off to Birmingham is possible, but may a little less probable.

That then leaves us with Nuno and Nick Justice. Lets take a look at the two suspects and then make up our own minds.

First off, Nick. Nick Justice is the head of the Justice League, so is therefore on first name terms with the likes of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aqua Man and the Flash.

Here we have a man who is completely on the straight and narrow. One who is so anti crime that he has created his own band of vigilantes to fight against it. On the other hand though, his crew all wear capes. Is it possible that they got the idea from a carrier bag wearing nutcase?

In the other corner, we have Nuno. A man so completely overwhelmed by his own self confidence that he completely ignored those wise words “You can’t win anything with kids”. Unfortunately however, Nuno didn’t win anything with kids. Could that crushing blow to his monstrous ego finally have tipped him over the edge?

A “confession” made under hypnosis may hold some clues. A transcript of that session has now been released for puplic consumption / knowledge / awareness (Delete as appropriate)

Prof Doppelganger: So then Nuno, can you tell me a bit about your past?

Nuno: It all started back home in Portugal. I was adored there. Absolutely everywhere I went there were men who wanted to be me, and women who wanted to be with me. As I wondered around the country, the men would be throwing their wives and daughters at me. The women would be throwing themselves at me.

Prof Doppelganger: So what went wrong?

Nuno: That mofo Parfitt. The feckin’ Paddlefish. He came along and took my job. The men started throwing their wives and daughters at him. The women were throwing themselves at him. He became the focus of their love, lust and adoration.

Prof Doppelganger: And how did it make you feel?

Nuno: Unloved, unwanted, washed up, like an orphan at a family reunion, like a dog in a cattery, like a vag in a gay skin flick, like a pork chop on a vegitarian menu, like a fart in a wetsuit, like a mobile phone going off in Anne Franks pocket, like a…..

Prof Doppelganger: Ok Nuno, that’s fine, no need to labour the point. So moving on, the man Parfitt. Do you fear him?

Nuno: My fear is that he will come here after me, and be loved by everybody here. That he will take my place in their hearts, the same as he has done in Portugal.

Prof Doppelganger: Just sum up exactly how you feel about him?

Nuno: Besotted. I’m just a weak minded fool, so I want to be like him. He’s the man. The only man for me.

Prof Doppelganger: And what do you do if you ever feel these impulses towards him?

Nuno: I have to try and surpress it. I know he’s the man, but I have to tell myself I’m the man, I’m the man, I’m the mans, I’m mans. I AM MANS!

At this point, the recording comes to an end. There are some hysterical screams, and rustling sound which is reminiscent of a carrier bag, and in the distance a faint Portuguese voice can be heard asking a receptionist if he can borrow a pen. The next thing is the click of a boom box being turned on, and the sounds of Puff Daddy & Faith Hill telling somebody they’ll be missing them.
So kiddos, it’s over to you. Is the crazed schizo of Birmingham likely to be friends with the Caped Crusader et al, or is it more likely to be an under achiever who is far more concerned with worrying about other peoples personal situation rather than his own?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKMtZm2YuBE