I've been writing (if that's the right word) about the England football team elsewhere since 2006, and this is basically the theme: (even when we win) England are shit.

If that's not depressing enough in itself, and you are curious for more, here's a little summary of what to expect should you enter the rabbit hole:

The best place to start is my preview of England's ill-fated plan to get to the final of the 2012 World Cup in South Africa under the guidance of disciplinarian Italian capo Fabio Capello.

That post links to all my previous writings on England's proud tradition and long history of international failure, humiliation, and general, all-round shittiness on the football pitch. But in case you prefer a handy list, here you are, in chronological order:

2006: A new Scotland? Why England's football team will soon be as shit as Scotland's

2007: Why we're crap: the problem with English football

2010: Why England don't have a hope in hell of winning the football World Cup in 2010

2010: No future in England's dreaming? Inside the mind of Fabio Capello

2010: The World Cup on drugs: pure-grade heroin cut with shavings of Clive Tyldesley

2012: Why England don't have a hope in hell of winning Euro 2012

By 2014, I got sick of all this, and so turned to music, with my adaptation of Billy Bragg's classic song: A New Ingerland

While I'm at it (self-promotion, that is), and in case you're still with me and wondering what the Jimmy Carter thing is all about (and you have the stomach for more football-related musical adaptations):

2011 (There's Only One) Jimmy Carter (the footballer, not the peanut farmer)

2014: Whatever happened to... Jimmy Carter?

As if you didn’t know it was coming. I say something completely fair and above board about Hamer’s side, and what do you know. We end up having a goal disallowed. That goal should have stood, and if it had, we’d have been 1 up early doors and on our way to a decent away win.



And as if that wasn’t enough, we had another red card. That’s two in three league games now, and we lost both. The one game we kept all 11 on the pitch, we won.

The other two, a dismissal and a defeat. And still people are trying to tell me that it’s all in my head. That there is no conspiracy. That people are happy for Levante to win? Two reds in three games tells a very different story.

I love this club, I’ve out my heart and soul into it. I don’t want to go anywhere else, and as a mark of commitment to them, I have stated I will walk away if this season if we don’t improve on what we did last season. I said that as I believe in myself, and I believe in the players I have here. It looks like people don’t want us to succeed though. Clearly they are speaking to officials and ensuring that we are as disadvantaged as possible. My best guess is one of the Italian mobsters have gotten themselves caught up in the wrong crowd. Beddows has gotten himself into some hot water recently and upset his missus. Apparently he was caught with his hands on another girl. Not the sort of thing you want to do when your father in law has “connections”. He won’t get the gig in Madrid or Barcelona, so I reckon he’s had a whip round and set the officials up so he can grab my job at the end of the season. Bloody scum bag that he is.

Anyway, all this flying around to various countries for league games reminds me of a trip I once took Down Under. I was on my way for some business, but decided to call in on everyone’s favourite Antipodean, Michael Huddo Hudson while I was down there.

He’s a lad I tell you. He met me at the airport in his big pick up. He called it a Ute actually, I didn’t really understand what he was on about, but it was a nice ride. Plenty of supplies on board too.

Anyhow, we headed off into the Bush for a bit of a road trip. He’s a proper headcase is Huddo. We’re driving off through the outback and Huddo’s driving like Lewis Hamilton with a rocket up his arse. I’ve never been so scared in my life. The lad’s drifting around rocks, jumping creeks, playing skittles with herds of kangaroo, and all the time steering with his knees. He had to really, he had a spliff in one hand, and a Castlemaine in the other.

I’ve had some adventures in the past, but this one was unreal. We finally arrived at this Aborigine camp in the middle of nowhere. All of a sudden, Huddos cracking out the didgeridoo and boomerang. Turns out he’s a bit of an expert with the old bendy stick. He’s chucking it all over, and catching it on the way back. Turns out he was the interstate boomerang champion at Summer Bay High a few years back.

Well there he is, chuckin’ it about like John Terry chucks his manhood at his team mates birds. Clearly he thinks he’s something special, so this Aborigine comes over and challenges him to a boomerang contest. This fella, Wiradjuri, is a boomerang legend amongst the indigenous folk, and holds the boomerang world record. Over he comes, and declares that the loser of the competition has to spend the night in a tent they call the Goon Bag Room. I had no idea what that means, all I knew at this stage was that the Aborigine colony was somewhat short on females. Didnt worry me, I’m an open minded individual, but it’s nice to have something to look at though. Huddo on the other hand was bricking it.

So anyway, he’s agreed to enter the competition, but he’s shaking like a shitting dog. He couldn’t do anything, and ended up losing. Big old Wiradjuri just smiles and leads him off to the hut. He went in with Huddo, and the rest of the camp started to queue up outside the door, going in one after another. I just curled up and had a kip in the back of the pick up. Next morning Huddo’s walking around like John Wayne, but he wouldn’t say what happened. In fact, he never spoke of it the entire journey. He invested in a rubber ring, but we never went swimming, he just sat on it.

Anyway, we’re travelling along, and to change the subject he gets to talking about all the wildlife in Australia. There is a shit load, some of them are proper weird though. He was telling me about something called a platypus. Tried telling me it’s an otter that lays eggs, and has a duck beak and feet. Yeah, righto Huddo, the idiots from the UK are in town. I’ll give you kangaroos and enormous spiders, but you’re not getting tales of mythical creatures past me.

He went mental at one point. I’d try and explain what happened, but in all honesty, the video I made shows the boy in action and beats any words I could ever use.

Three games in to Season 4, and after two wins, VfL Wolfsburg climb into 5th position on the table. Manager Greg Owen looks at the task ahead after setting himself a Managerial Stipulation of at least making the promotion playoff placings.

Like most managers, this means looking at a minimum number of points that the team will need during the season, or alternatively looking at the number of wins required, in order to meet the chairman’s and the team’s goal. And of course - to save his own job!




So, looking at the past three seasons in Division 2 (see below for summary) shows that a total of 70pts or more in any of the past seasons will mean a top three finish and automatic promotion to Division 1. Typically this has equated to winning at least 20 or 21 games in the season.

The situation for reaching the promotion playoffs is again reasonably consistent - although clearly Season 3 was a lot tighter and the points required to reach 7th were lower as a result. But overall, a points total of over 60 would be expected to be required to have a chance of playing off for promotion - with an expectation of winning about 18 games or more required to reach this total.

So clearly the first goal is to accumulate at least 60pts, with an aim of winning at least half of all league games during the season. Once that one’s in the bag, we’ll push on for a top three finish!

To bring some reality into the situation, let’s compare this with how Wolfsburg have fared in the past three seasons - all of which have been spent in Division 2. Wolfsburg have ended the three seasons in 12th, 5th and 10th places on totals of 51, 65 and 52pts. So with the exception of Season 2’s excellent achievement - the last time the team reached the playoff spots - Wolfsburg have been pretty consistent in points scored, with the difference in placings being attributable to the tightness of the competition in Season 3.

Taking the view from Mr Malcolm - in his excellent statistical analysis - has put Wolfsburg at 7th in Season 2, and 14th in Season 3 (I couldn’t find the analysis for Season 1). So the team has managed to improve +2 and +4 on these predictions in the past. For Season 4 his prediction is for Wolfsburg to be back up to 7th - presumably based on the overall improvements in the squad with the addition of Gotze, Fabregas and Toure - so certainly a Top 5 finish is not out of the question.

So what are the main changes which might impact getting to this target? Obviously the on-going ratings challenge for Fabregas and Toure will have a big impact - will they stay pretty consistent or will they be hit by big drops? If the Rooney example is anything to go by, they could remain at 94 and 92 for some time to come! Also, given the exposure in the current squad, Wolfsburg, Schalke and Dortmund (in real life) need to start firing in the Bundesliga so that some of the other players in the squad could get a chance to maintain their rating (Naldo), or even get a rise (Knoche or Geis). And now that Can is back in a firing Liverpool lineup (and scoring), it would be good to have another 90-rated midfielder in the pack.



So 6pts in the bag - two wins. Only another 54pts to go!

A quick look at who some of the key players might be and which teams will qualify
from this season’s most competitive group.

Manchester City

Division One big club City will be hoping their midfield starlets can create enough chances as well as providing solid defensive cover.

Chances of qualifying from this group? Small.




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AC Milan

Fellow D1 big club Milan will have to find a way of playing, scoring goals and winning minus their only player - Mario Balotelli. Unbelievably, I Rossoneri boss ‘Big Bed’ Stefano Bedowski has reportedly moored his narrowboat outside Top 100 capo Francesco Hristo’s luxury yacht, with Shergar and a chainsaw, in an attempt to intimidate him into allowing Balotelli to play.

Likelihood that Frank will get into Stephen’s big bed? Flogging a dead horse.

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Sunderland

The Rokerites have just brought in Jerry St Juste on loan from Portugal thanks to Benfica boss Nuno Bento’s predilection for underage boys.

Will they get out of the group? Just no.

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Hamburg

Young der Dino are second seeds thanks to their good run in the competition last season. Only four of those players are likely to feature this time around, however, and a perceived lack of homegrown talent has been supplemented by the loan signings of Sao Paolo keeper Guruceaga and Standard flyer Zeneli.

Will they go all the way, or fall at the first hurdle? It is certain.

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Twente

Twente boss Bal Gill will hope his highly-rated young Turkish star Ayhan maintains his level, but Bayern loanee Baumgartl looks a good addition in any case.

Twente to win? Twenty to one.

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Flamengo

Boss Mark Phelps has made some shrewd acquisitions in the youth transfer market particularly in keeping to his Brazilian-only policy.

As well as Doria, Otavio and Clayton, below, he can call on the similarly highly-rated Gerson and Guilherme.

Tip for the top. Dark horses, perhaps, but maybe best placed to finish first.

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Mark Gardiner, tell you something, a few performances like that from Partizan and he’ll be my gardener. He invited me up to his office for a chat after the game last night. In truth, I just wanted to go home. Belgrade is a bit fresh at the best of times, but it it full on brass monkeys last night. He wanted to ask what I did to get my team playing so well last night. It was easy, I just told them that if they lost to his shower then I’d make them go and clean up Rahul’s old pad in Birmingham.

I went round there once. This was a while back, before he moved to Manchester. It was an absolute hell hole. The man likes his clutter I’ll tell you that. It was like some kind of cross between a museum and a car boot sale. There was more shit in that house than in a whole Donald Trump election campaign.

I was looking at some of it. There was a box of fleshlights behind the sofa, a gimp suit in the cellar, about a dozen different variations of Scrabble, a Miami Vice box set, and a packet of tissues next to a family value tub of Vaseline sitting on the coffee table.

He tried telling me that none of it belonged to him, that it belonged to a previous tenant. Now Rahul is an intelligent fella, and so am I, so I pulled him up in my best Latin. I told him he was spouting a load of Bullyus Shyteeus. Obviously the old boy knew what I meant, but he was adamant.

To be fair to him, the “Roy Keane” name tag sewn into the back of the gimp suit was fairly convincing, but on the other hand, it may have been a double bluff. Rahul is fairly handy with the sewing jenny, and more than once I’ve heard about him spending a few quid in various haberdashery establishments.

I did try discussing the allegations with Keano, but the boy wouldn’t answer the phone. I just kept getting a voice mail telling me to leave a message and he’d call back once he was home from the Rubber Lover and Whipping Wonders Club. Not sure what kind of boozer it was, but to be fair I don’t go drinking in Madrid.

Anyhow, Rahul was trying to tidy some of the stuff away while I was rooting through it, and then you won’t believe it. I’m sitting there in his rocking chair, just waiting for him to break out the JD, when a zebra comes trotting into the living room. I’ll be honest, I did think it was the acid, but no, the boy has a pet feckin’ zebra. He loves the thing. Rides it around like a horse, keeps it in a bedroom converted into a weird stable hybrid thing, but he won’t go anywhere without it.

He makes out like he’s been loyal to the Villa, and all of the big offers he’s rejected have been due to that loyalty. Truth of the matter is actually this. That zebra is an illegal immigrant, and he can’t get it out of the country as it doesn’t have a passport. First big British club that comes knocking though, the boy can’t get away quick enough.
Loyalty my arse, the boy wouldn’t know the meaning of the word if he read a dictionary. Honestly, what an absolute ring pull that boy really is.

Its my third season with PSV and when I took over at the end of season one, it was a relegation battle which I am proud to say we fought and won and each season we have improved
Season 2 - 7th
Season 3 - 5th.



Season 1 -  I was with WBA and a brief spell had us in top six at times and below stats showed we had a decent run Gomis banging the goals in.


Once at PSV I felt at home and the young crop of talent I had I tried to hang on to.


But after finishing 7th I realised we needed to improve so deals where done, which cost youth and good prospects for more established players. This gave me the top 5 finish but I learned again you need depth still. To overcome this scouts were send world wide and now for season four we can have no excuses in strength an depth.

First 11

Second 11


Also my youth team not as strong as last season but a couple stand out.


A good start with two wins in the league and I just want to highlight some key players starting with my goalkeeper.

Defenders


Star Player and Midfielder


Other senior players who we need to perform at the highest level are,


Playimg  up top this Season with De Jong playing deeper the highly rated forward Locadia


A couple of players who wont feature for the first or reserve team are outstanding talents but also miss out on youth team due to age can go on loan to further there development.


And hopefully a star for the future.

Our Youth Team two stand outs are the two below we need some top performances from them specially against Madrid at the weekend.

and

Good Luck to all in the coming season and thats the latest from PSV and me.

Club-by-club look at the major transfer ins and outs during the close season and prospects for season 4.

Athletic Club

In: Rossi, Rico, Rhodolfo

Out: Soriano, Modeste, Samaris

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Losing Soriano (13 assists last season) to Fiorentina was a blow, but Rojiblancos boss Crisp will be hoping Rossi can add to his 36 goals in 89 starts. Could form an explosive partnership with Emenike (56 goals in 91)!

The Bilbao club will be looking to make the play-offs at least, and they appear to have the firepower to do so.

Besiktas

In: Mandanda, Kaka, Fischer, Sabitzer, Gabigol (loan)

Out: Lima, Coke, Benat, Khrohn-Dehli, Zhirkov, Kucher, Orellana, Weidenfeller, Rafael…

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One of the most active managers on the newsfeed and in the transfer market, Besiktas boss Jamie Alldridge also seems to have developed quite a liking for bargains from Iceland. And young men… Or has his Mum borrowed his phone?

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Mandanda for Rafael and Krohn-Dehli looks like good business. And he’s definitely not parting with Wes Morgan…

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The former Sevilla and Basel boss will be looking to avoid a third consecutive relegation this time around, and will hope that his younger, blonder Nordic supermen can continue Besiktas’s year on year improvement into the play-offs at least.

Boca Juniors

Cruzeiro

FC Basel

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Galatasaray

Hamburger SV

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Der Dino manager David Marsden will feel he has strengthened defence and midfield, while adding some useful and youthful cover and future potential. Chairman looking for another strong promotion challenge to take Hamburg a step closer to being where a club of its size and history belongs - Division One!

Leicester City

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Sporting

Stoke City

Sunderland

Udinese

Villarreal

Well well well. The start of another season, and time for another Top 100 FA sanctioned corporate BJ that involves everybody except Levante.

What a farce that predictor poll was. Honestly, you knew who was going to win it before the first vote was cast.

Let’s have a look at the results shall we?



First place 17 votes: Torino and Michael Hudson. Truly, is there anybody that saw it going differently? Take a look at the evidence. The Top 100 board is made up of Frank Hirst at Genoa in Italy. Stephen Beddows at AC Milan in Italy, and DP at Juventus in Italy. This is where the Italian mafia plot thickens even further. DP’s Juventus play in the beautiful city of Turin. You’ll never guess which other Italian side also plays in Turin….. Who knew that Huddo was in on the conspiracy as well? Clearly last season’s relegation has seen him go back to the regime running the show and beg for some forgiveness.

I’ve been watching all those Italian sides. Genoa, Juve, AC, the lot. Then at half time I found something more interesting to do.

Second place equal 5 votes: Celtic and Ruts: You know what, I used to have some respect for Ruts. Right up until Sunday actually. Steven Gerard was sent off against Celtic on Sunday, and all because of Ruts. The man was going mental on the touch line. I’ll be honest, I didn’t think he was trying to get Gezza dismissed to begin with, I was concerned for his health. I genuinely thought he was having a seizure at the side of the pitch. I was wrong though, and he was in fact acting like a scumbag. Gerrard walked for nothing, and we were down to 10 men. Now as you all know, I’m usually a very easy going kind of guy. I don’t get too excitable, and keep my views in check. That performance from Ruts though was an absolute disgrace. We were getting into the game, and in my opinion, we’d have gone on to win by 3 or 4 ourselves. Disgraceful scenes, but obviously Frank et al were watching and rigged the vote in his favour.

Second place equal 5 votes: Celta Vigo and Ryan Chisholm. Well well well. Another member of the Beddows clan is topping the pre season favourites list. Who’d have thunk it? Seriously, this “poll” is about as crooked as a tea party with Robert Mugabe and Nick Leason. Yep, it’s an absolute disgrace put together by people that couldn’t be any more shady if they were sitting under a parasol.

Third place 3 votes: Malaga and El Grego Bilboa. I’ll be honest, this one isn’t a bad shout. Not sure El Grego’s side have enough to quite go the distance, but they’re in woth a decent chance of second. Second to who though? Well it’s a no brainer isn’t it. Levante and Malaga #msfga

Fourth place 2 votes: Werder Bremen and Gav Hamer. I am stunned beyond belief that somebody other than Gav voted for Bremen to win the league. I can only assume that he got his other half to vote as well. Either that or the three amigos running this show promised to double the number of votes he gained. What an absolute sham. It’s disgusting, belittling and just plain disrespectful. Bremen get two votes, and we get none. I’ll say publically right now that when we play Bremen, we will beat them by at least 2 away, and 3 at home. Obviously that depends largely on the gross unfairness thrown in our direction on match day, but we are a much better side than them.
If you want to know how the league will actually look, then it won’t be too far from this.

1. Levante
2. Malaga
3. Twente
4. West Brom
5. Augsburg
6. Koln
7. Augsburg


While I’m at it though, it was good to see one of my players in the team of the week. I assume this will be a regular event, and come mid - season at the latest, we will have a minimum of 4 players nominated each week. Come seasons end, I would also expect that the whole TOTW is made up of whichever first XI I elect to play for any given match.

          
SC INTERNACIONAL SEASON 3 REVIEW & SEASON 4 PREVIEW

Welcome to the SC Internacional End of Season Review of Season 3 in Top 100. A short run down of how the Brazilian outfit gained their 2nd successive promotion to reach the dizzy heights of Division 2, after a 3rd place finish in Division 3.





Let’s rewind to the very beginning of Season 3, Downinho had guided Internacional to their first promotion in Top 100 after an impressive season and a 3rd place finish in Division 4. The team was on a high but endured a patchy end of season and maybe expected difficult times up ahead. Some players were still settling in after only coming into the squad towards the end of the season such as Paul-Georges Ntep and Bruno Alves.

The board still felt the team needed to be strengthened ready for the start of season 3, and Downinho managed to secure a deal for a solid centre back/defensive midfielder in the form of 88 rated Spanish international Mikel San Jose from Stuttgart in exchange for Lucas Castro and Rafael Toloi. (Luckily for Internacional San Jose rose to 89 a few days after his arrival!) However this was the only real strengthening that could be done.











(San Jose - massive signing!)

RATING BUMPS!

Despite the lack of arrivals,  some players were given a helpful rise by SM:

Becker Alisson - GK - Age 23 - 87 > 88
Ander Capa - RB - Age 24 - 86 > 87
Gallardo Keko - RW- Age 24 - 85 > 87
Cedric Bakambu - CF - Age 25 - 87 > 89

These were sure to give Internacional a good chance for a respectable season.

THE SEASON

Unfortunately due to time limitations there will be no detailed match run down, but needless to say on the whole it was a great season, much more than was expected from anyone at the club. The best part was a particularly good run in the middle of the season after a promising start to catapult Inter into a title battle with Genoa. But a characteristic slump towards the end saw Inter slip and allow Rahul' s Aston Villa storm to the title, with Frank Hirst' s Genoa taking 2nd place to also earn back to back promotions, along with Mike Scalotti' s Southampton who progressed via the playoffs. It was very close at the top towards the end, with PSV and Leicester City also in the mix for promotion, but Internacional were arguably the lucky ones who just managed to earn a win on final day against Galatasaray to end their slump and bag another unlikely promotion.
 Downinho can also be very proud of his team for having the best defensive record in the league, conceding only 27 goals across 38 games, and contributing to the 2nd best goal difference in Division 3.

However, Cup competitions were unfortunately a write off from Round 1!

Here is the final Division 3 table of Season 3:




















THE PLAYERS

Internacional’s standout players were attackers Paul-Georges Ntep and Cedric Bakambu. Ntep certainly settled in this season and was arguably the most important player, making the most Team of the Week appearances (9), and even making the Division 3 Team of the Season!


(Ntep - Player of the Season!)

(Bakambu - a solid campaign for Inter’s highest valued player)


Here is a table of the players' statistics for the season:




















PREPARATION FOR SEASON 4
The board demanded more transfer activity to strengthen the squad for Division 2 football,  to attempt to meet the demands of the significant difference in class and quality. So Downinho has been busy wheeling, dealing, bidding and negotiating and has managed to strengthen in many areas. The squad size was always large but it lacked in quality, so 2 for 1 deals were to be the way to go.

ARRIVALS

Raul Jiménez - Age 25 - AM,F (RLC) - 88


The Mexico international attacker was acquired from Atlético Madrid in exchange for young highly tipped prospects Furtado William and Youssef Ait Benasser going the other way. Quality was needed now and the youngsters were serving little purpose in terms of games. Jiménez has scored on his debut in the 2-2 draw against Benfica, so is bound to play an important role for Internacional.

Andreas Samaris - Age 27 - CM/DM - 88

The Greece international midfielder joined from Athletic Club in exchange for 87 rated defender Edson Mexer and teenage Uruguayan fullback Marcelo Sarrachi. Strength was needed in central midfield so this is a good deal for the club.

Luciano Narsingh - Age 26 - winger - 88


The Dutch international was signed from PSV in exchange for Daniel Didavi and Gallardo Keko. Two 87s who shared gametime traded for 1 88 improves quality again in the attacking third and is no considerable damage to the squad, as replacements have been bought. He also scored on his debut against Benfica on Sunday.

Christian Günter - Age 23 - LB - 86

A new backup LB was needed as Matthias Ostrozolek was sold to Marseille for failing to impress. Günter is a much better, younger prospect who is playing well for Freiburg in real life so should rise, and could easily be Inter’s undisputable starting left back in the near future. He was acquired in a deal for Odion Ighalo who was Level 2 unhappy.

Da Silva Eduardo - Age 33 - CF - 87
The veteran Croatian was bought from external as a backup striker to replace Ighalo.


Daniel Miličević - Age 30 - AM (RLC) - 87

Veteran Bosnian will be a useful backup.


PLAYERS TO WATCH

Who will be the next big thing at SC Internacional?  Who might break through or having a good rating increase this season? Here’s the verdict:

Alassane Plea - Age 23 - AM,F (RLC) - 85

He is almost outscoring Mario Balotelli for high flying Ligue 1 leaders Nice. Has shone this season and is bound to rise 87+ soon!

Willi Orban - Age 23 - CB - 83

An ever present for Bundesliga sensations RB Leipzig! Challenging Bayern for top spot and yet to lose a game. Due a big rise and certain to be a starter for Internacional in Top 100 one day.

Diego Demme - Age 24 - DM - 82

Same as Orban, but a starter in midfield for Leipzig… must be doing something right!  Also due a big rise and then.. Who knows?

NEW LINE-UP
Downinho will field his strongest lineup. The only exception from the picture shown is that Marcel Risse will replace Capa as first choice right back, with Riise needing gametime due to being Level 2 unhappy, and due a rise to 88 very soon after some great club form for FC Cologne.


Downinho is said to be delighted with the squad he has assembled, despite it still being one of the weakest in Division 2. The team has come a long way in the last 2 1/2 seasons and hope they can once again prove the bookies wrong and achieve their goal to stay in Division 2! But hell, it will be bloody hard!

So that’s it! An opening day 2-2 draw against Benfica has got SC Internacional a point on the board as the Chairman expects the team to avoid relegation. That is what Downinho is dying to do. One thing is for sure, judging by the quality of teams in Division 2, a 3rd successive promotion is definitely out of the question!


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A Man of the Match performance and late winning goal for the maverick French playmaker.

Hamburg began their first season back in Division Three following hard-won promotion with a relatively short journey south to fellow new boys and old rivals Stuttgart. The Swabians had secured arguably an even harder-won promotion via the playoffs.

Stuttgart celebrate winning promotion in the D4 playoff final

Back-to-back promotions, the Division Five title and Top 100 Shield success against Hamburg inevitably led to former Reds boss Feargal Hickey getting tapped up by bigger clubs. Still, it was somewhat of a surprise when Hickey left the comfort of the German heartlands for war-torn eastern Ukraine and Division Two side Shakhtar Donetsk.

Hamburg players training before the game

A hard act to follow, the new Stuttgart boss - Top 100 rookie Pat Roper - took charge of his first ever competitive match in Top 100 lining up against David Marsden's Red Shorts (wearing all blue for this fixture). Stuttgart lined up with new signing Loic Remy at centre forward, replacing Seydou Doumbia, who followed Hickey to Ukraine. Potentially a very smart bit of business by Roper.


Hamburg boss Marsden started with just five of the team that finished third in Division Four last time out. During the close season, club captain Martin Demichelis moved to Atalanta, along with Yannick Bolasie, in a deal that saw new skipper and Division Four Team of the Year pick Thomas Vermaelen arrive at the Volksparkstadion. Similarly, Benoit Tremoulinas joined from Division Three champions Aston Villa, in exchange for Mario Rui. Raul Garcia came in from CSKA Moscow for Jordan Ferri, and Charles Kabore from Hellas Verona for Joaquin Correa. Marsden also splashed the cash on exciting young Sporting winger Carlos Mane. Other notable departures were Vlad Chiriches, who moved to Division One champions Spurs, and Nico Muller, who went to Champions League chasing Liverpool.


Stuttgart, perhaps wary of Hamburg's front five, started with a counter-attacking 4-2-3-1 formation with a deep-lying playmaker, the Argentine Lucas Castro, and two wingers. Giovani dos Santos supported Remy up front.


Hamburg kept the same 'suicidal' attack-minded formation and tactics that won them more games than any other team in Division Four last season, with Division Two Team of the Year pick Hatem Ben Arfa moving to a central attacking playmaker role.


Stuttgart dominated possession from the off in an otherwise even and relatively uneventful first half, the two goals aside. Their two young wingers combined to open the scoring early doors, Christian Atsu starting and finishing a lovely move, which left Hamburgs defence chasing shadows.

'Josef Martinez came on and changed the game for me. I told him to go through the middle, put Demba out on the right, and Hatem on the left. Either he totally ignored me, or my Spanish isn't what it used to be, because he played a blinder on the left wing, and won the game for us.'