A Land Down Under


As if you didn’t know it was coming. I say something completely fair and above board about Hamer’s side, and what do you know. We end up having a goal disallowed. That goal should have stood, and if it had, we’d have been 1 up early doors and on our way to a decent away win.

And as if that wasn’t enough, we had another red card. That’s two in three league games now, and we lost both. The one game we kept all 11 on the pitch, we won.

The other two, a dismissal and a defeat. And still people are trying to tell me that it’s all in my head. That there is no conspiracy. That people are happy for Levante to win? Two reds in three games tells a very different story.

I love this club, I’ve out my heart and soul into it. I don’t want to go anywhere else, and as a mark of commitment to them, I have stated I will walk away if this season if we don’t improve on what we did last season. I said that as I believe in myself, and I believe in the players I have here. It looks like people don’t want us to succeed though. Clearly they are speaking to officials and ensuring that we are as disadvantaged as possible. My best guess is one of the Italian mobsters have gotten themselves caught up in the wrong crowd. Beddows has gotten himself into some hot water recently and upset his missus. Apparently he was caught with his hands on another girl. Not the sort of thing you want to do when your father in law has “connections”. He won’t get the gig in Madrid or Barcelona, so I reckon he’s had a whip round and set the officials up so he can grab my job at the end of the season. Bloody scum bag that he is.

Anyway, all this flying around to various countries for league games reminds me of a trip I once took Down Under. I was on my way for some business, but decided to call in on everyone’s favourite Antipodean, Michael Huddo Hudson while I was down there.

He’s a lad I tell you. He met me at the airport in his big pick up. He called it a Ute actually, I didn’t really understand what he was on about, but it was a nice ride. Plenty of supplies on board too.

Image result for pick up truck loaded with beer

Anyhow, we headed off into the Bush for a bit of a road trip. He’s a proper headcase is Huddo. We’re driving off through the outback and Huddo’s driving like Lewis Hamilton with a rocket up his arse. I’ve never been so scared in my life. The lad’s drifting around rocks, jumping creeks, playing skittles with herds of kangaroo, and all the time steering with his knees. He had to really, he had a spliff in one hand, and a Castlemaine in the other.

I’ve had some adventures in the past, but this one was unreal. We finally arrived at this Aborigine camp in the middle of nowhere. All of a sudden, Huddos cracking out the didgeridoo and boomerang. Turns out he’s a bit of an expert with the old bendy stick. He’s chucking it all over, and catching it on the way back. Turns out he was the interstate boomerang champion at Summer Bay High a few years back.

Well there he is, chuckin’ it about like John Terry chucks his manhood at his team mates birds. Clearly he thinks he’s something special, so this Aborigine comes over and challenges him to a boomerang contest. This fella, Wiradjuri, is a boomerang legend amongst the indigenous folk, and holds the boomerang world record. Over he comes, and declares that the loser of the competition has to spend the night in a tent they call the Goon Bag Room. I had no idea what that means, all I knew at this stage was that the Aborigine colony was somewhat short on females. Didnt worry me, I’m an open minded individual, but it’s nice to have something to look at though. Huddo on the other hand was bricking it.

So anyway, he’s agreed to enter the competition, but he’s shaking like a shitting dog. He couldn’t do anything, and ended up losing. Big old Wiradjuri just smiles and leads him off to the hut. He went in with Huddo, and the rest of the camp started to queue up outside the door, going in one after another. I just curled up and had a kip in the back of the pick up. Next morning Huddo’s walking around like John Wayne, but he wouldn’t say what happened. In fact, he never spoke of it the entire journey. He invested in a rubber ring, but we never went swimming, he just sat on it.

Anyway, we’re travelling along, and to change the subject he gets to talking about all the wildlife in Australia. There is a shit load, some of them are proper weird though. He was telling me about something called a platypus. Tried telling me it’s an otter that lays eggs, and has a duck beak and feet. Yeah, righto Huddo, the idiots from the UK are in town. I’ll give you kangaroos and enormous spiders, but you’re not getting tales of mythical creatures past me.

He went mental at one point. I’d try and explain what happened, but in all honesty, the video I made shows the boy in action and beats any words I could ever use.


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