From Russia Without Love

Unbelievable, absolutely unreal. You come all the way to Russia. It’s freezing. So cold that Mbokania and Damaio thought Olaf from Frozen was playing for them tonight. To make things worse, we get into the dressing room and Putin, or one of his Russian mafia goons has nailed a bucket of raw plutonium to the wall. My boys put in a right shift tonight, but that sort of cheating is commonplace whenever we play now.  

I can’t believe we’ve lost Rubin Kazan tonight. How do you even pronounce that? Is it Rub in like when Lana gets herself all oiled up for me? Or is it like those bins they have in Australia? Lana told me about them. She saw them when she was touring over there. She said they have your standard black bin, your recycling bin, and the road kill bin. Apparently they get lots of dead kangaroos in Australia, so they have a roo bin. And Kazan, what’s that? Sounds like something Paul Daniels would have said if he managed to pull a rabbit out of his hat. Stupid name for a club if you ask me.

Reminds me of a time I was around Lee Reynolds house actually. He was getting stuck into a corned beef sandwich and asked if I wanted one. I wasn’t too fussed, but I had one to save myself a few quid buying dinner at the curry house later on. This little fittie in some sexy lingerie comes in with a tray of sandwiches. Lee called her Malcolm Dinosaur or something. Looked hot though, especially in those thigh high boots. Anyway, I topped the corned beef up with a bit of crystal meth, and we got on to the subject of Roo Bin Abracadabra Alla Kazan.

Reynolds, bless his little cotton’s was saying about how he thought Antonio Alves, or Ant as Lee calls him, is doing a great job there. Tried telling me that the AA man was doing a better job than me. I wasn’t having that, so I got straight on the blower to Alves and had words.

Told him look here son, Reynolds says you’re better than me, but I won’t accept it. There isn’t anybody better than me. You go around living off the fact that you have that fella Belushi from the Blues Brothers on the books, and you think that makes you Billy Golden Balls. Well I’ve got news for you sunshine, there aint nobody with balls more golden than mine.

I’ll tell you something else as well. You’ve got half the Portuguese youth’s known to man in that squad Antonio, and I reckon I’d have Kangaroo Bin Magic Hat United somewhere in the shake up with that squad.

I’m not saying I’d win the league with what he’s got, but we’d be involved at the business end and winning a few pots. Certainly enough trophies for Lana to have a few to keep her Begonia’s on the windowsill in. It’s not the only place I like to see her bush mind, it looks lovely when she puts it on display in the garden. A proper highlight, the neighbours are always talking about it.

Honestly though Reynolds, telling me the AA man is the best manager in the league? He’s not even the best manager of a club with a stupid name.

Tell you something else as well. Reynolds started using all these words I didn’t understand. I told him as much and he tells me to get a Thesaurus on the way home. Look here Reynolds I said, I know you call your home help Malcolm Dinosaur, but don’t you know dinosaurs are extinct? Where do you think I’ll get one? Do they keep the rabbits next to the stegosaurus in Pets at Home? Reynods, what an absolute cotton bud you really are…..

Anyway, at the end of the night I was a bit peckish, I’d only had that corned beef sandwich. I got a Chinese ordered on the way home for me and Lana while we chilled out. The fella dropped it off. Should have been £29.75, but because I’m a good soul I gave him £30. He tried to give me the change, but like the leper said to the prostitute, I told him to keep the tip.