Good afternoon guys and welcome to a very difficult Thursday Blog. Very difficult because it has taken me all my time to come and put down all the recent stuff in my life in print. Emotions have run high and there has been enough tears shed to fill the River Thames. I will come back to it later, if I can that is, but I will start with the latest escapades of Janene.

Last time out I believe we had the shock of her almost dating a 26yo guy. Over my dead body that, that would be happening. As it turns out, nothing came of it I am glad to report but she still continues to frustrate me. Her latest was that she was being very secretive with her phone once again and we all know what that means. Something to hide Janene? Not at all of course but it turns out another boy was on the scene. Nothing is straightforward with her. She can’t go out and get a boyfriend without there being some sort of controversy. She can’t go out and get a boyfriend that I like. Ok, I am not the easiest person to please when it comes to daughters boyfriends but it can’t be too hard to find a boy that likes Rangers, Derby County and Dallas Cowboys, and of course is gay and wouldn’t want to sleep with her. Anyway, to cut the story slightly shorter, his name is Jamie and he works at the stables (of course). He is 20yo, which is fine, but as I say nothing is ever simple. I managed to find three things wrong with this potential boyfriend. Number 1 is an unwritten rule as far as I am concerned and that is ‘never date a friends ex’. Unfortunately that rule has just been thrown out of the window as this Jamie guy was dating one of Janenes friends at her work. It may only have been for six months but I believe the break up wasn’t too great and the way he treated her was very poor. Alarm bells already going off in my head. Number 2 is more straightforward. He is ginger and apologies to any ginger guys reading this. I have nothing against you as long as you don’t try date my daughter. Number 3? He has this big thing on his face that Janene says is actually his nose. Wow, don’t swing round to quickly with that thing son, that is definitely an dangerous weapon. Honestly it is that big that when it rains I believe everyone shelters under his nose.

Jamie, the new boyfriend (for now)

He was very unfortunate that when I first met him, there were other things going on and I wasn’t in the best frame of mind. When Alison introduced him I was way too rude, that I later apologised for. She said ‘This is Jamie’ and I said ‘whatever’. The fact he was also sitting on MY seat didn’t help his case. Are there no manners at all nowadays? When I was dating as a teenager, I would always, first of all, check on who usually sat where I was sitting and if it was, for example, the fathers seat, then I would certainly stand up and offer if he came into the room. Jamie just sat there though like Gonzo out of the muppets. I did come downstairs later and apologised for seemingly being rude and, to be honest, he is quite an ok guy. Last night he stayed overnight in her bedroom. No problem as he is an ok guy. He even slept in the same bed. No problem as he is an ok guy. Am I lying? Damn right I am. I don’t care if he is fucking Lionel Messi, he just made a complete mess of there being any chance I would like him. Alison was doing a nightshift last night so it was just me as the responsible parent in the house. Do you know what? Janene was too scared to ask me if Jamie could stay overnight. She text Alison instead knowing she would say ok. Alison then texted me saying ‘don’t be alarmed but Jamie is staying overnight’. I wasn’t alarmed at all. Livid would be a better word. I said it was s bit disrespectful not to ask me as I was the one that was here. Alison said that Janene thought I would say no. I will give Janene this, she knows me too well. Yes I would have said no so she would have to build a bridge and get over it. As it is Alison had already said yes so I left it. Janene had the audacity to come in a little bit later and ask if Jamie could stay (obviously prompted by the wife). I just said ‘You have already asked mum so don’t come in here and pretend that you are giving me the respect that should have happened a while ago’ She just left but knows I am not happy with her. I now have to stay out of her way because I know, and she knows, it only takes one cuddle for me to forgive her.

The last month has been very difficult. Stress, anxiety, tears, uncertainty have all reared their ugly head as everything came to a head. The shit didn’t only hit the fan, it splattered it across all four walls. In my last blog I told how I had made the choice of staying where I am, in the house, with the wife and kids. My on/off girlfriend for about six years, Gemma, was finally being given the red card. I done it the cowards way and sent her a message telling her that I had made the choice of staying with Alison and that I couldn’t see her anymore. Her response was to block me from sending any messages and I wasn’t sure whether that was a ‘fuck you then’ or a heartbroken response. Well, my attempt at dumping her was an epic fail. She soon unblocked me again and she told me how heartbroken she was and how could I do this after all this time. I have to be honest, I love her and I couldn’t bare to see her upset. We arranged to meet after I had finished work and I gave in. I was in no mans land. I was struggling to cope and with that got careless. One Monday afternoon while talking by text to Gemma, Alison text me saying that I had left my facebook open and she had seen all the messages between me and Gemma. That was it, caught for the tenth time. How could I even begin to try and get out of it this time. I decided not to try and thought there was no point as even if I made up with Alison then I would probably put her through it all again later on. I decided to be honest with her and I told her that I loved Gemma and was going to find somewhere else to stay.

That sparked off a 5 days that will be with me the rest of my life. Understandably, Alison was devastated. Gemma instantly blocked me because she cant do confrontation. I was on my own here. Alison and I exchanged messages as I tried to explain what I was going to do. I didn’t want to go home. Alison text me that she was away in the car with all her tablets. Fucking hell, what have I done? Elise was trying to phone me and probably Alison and was sending ‘what the hell is going on’ messages. I didn’t respond to any. I, myself, was under so much stress that I was also threatening to take the easy way out. I kind of knew Alison was bluffing as she looks for attention in these kind of situations. The thing was that I wasn’t. Gemma had blocked me so I don’t know what is going through her head and Alison and the girls will almost certainly not want to listen to me. Eventually Alison said she was heading home and that I should do the same. I went and sat in the car for a while trying to clear my head, all the time checking if Gemma still had me blocked. I headed home but only to collect my tablets because I wasn’t clear in what I was going to do and the tablets seemed the easy way out. I got home and collected my tablets while Elise gave me hell. I couldn’t blame her for that as I was the one that was to blame for all of this. I headed out to the car with Elise running to her room in tears. Janene sat in the living room, with me having no idea what she was thinking and Alison was in her bed obviously stunned.

Elise gave me hell

I headed up the braes not knowing what I was going to do. It was a right fucking mess that I had created but I was fed up sneaking around. I found a place to stop and just sat for a while trying to decide what I was going to do. Elise phoned me to make sure I hadn’t done anything yet and told me to get home. I declined. It was about half eleven now and I tried Gemma to see if I was still blocked. I wasn’t!! She unblocked me so I messaged her and I told her everything that was happening. She was a bit upset but more so that I was up the braes with all my tablets. I seriously would have went for it but two things stopped me and once again I thought of others and the effect on them. Elise and Janene have already been through someone very close to them taking their own life so how could I put them through that again and Gemma’s cousin had committed suicide at the beginning of the year so again, how could I put her through another. I went home and slept in Janene’s bed while Janene slept in with Alison. The next couple of days was all about tears. No one was exempt. Alison was sent home from work early as the reality of what I was doing was beginning to set in. I told Alison that she was probably getting the better end of the deal as all I ever do is break hearts and fuck up peoples lives. I was in love with Gemma and even though she was 31 years my junior, something I was reminded of far too many times, I couldn’t help it. My day off on the Thursday arrived and everyone went off to work while I decided to go out with Gemma and her kid. Everything went well as Gemma talked about going to the local council and getting a house quite quickly due to her little girl and then I would come and live with her. I then dropped her off at her Aunt’s house and headed home. Unfortunately I was out longer than anticipated and Alison was home before me. When she asked where I had been, I had no answer ready so told her the truth. She went mental and all of a sudden the tears had gone and the anger had now set in. I let her get on with it as she called me everything and was ably backed up by Elise. I had to get out of the house ASAP and spoke with Stuart who had not long got his own flat. He said I could stay there until I had somewhere to move to. I was going to move out the next day and I went out to see Gemma and tell her what was happening. I went to sleep that night with a nagging doubt in my head that I was doing the right thing. The doubts became more and more as I thought to myself ‘what if I move out and then Gemma gets cold feet at the last minute and says she is staying with her boyfriend?’ Wow, my head was fucked. I need a psychiatrist or someone. The next morning was weird to say the least. I still had my doubts but was going through with it. Alison was just about to leave for work but she couldn’t find her car key which was strange to say the least. During that time I got a bit upset as my head kept playing games with me and Alison asked what was wrong. I didn’t say anything at first but then somehow said that I wondered if I was making a mistake. Too much water under the bridge now anyway. However, she suggested that I stay for a couple more days and think about things. Was she giving me a way out? I said, to be honest I didn’t need a couple of days. I said I had been stupid and to move out of somewhere that is secure, safe and where I don’t have that bad a life was senseless, especially to take a jump into the unknown with a young girl who could be gone within a few years. It was decided then. I was staying. Of course no contact with Gemma. I agreed to that knowing it was never going to happen anyway. So, that was it sorted …… except, I now had to tell Gemma that I was staying with my wife. More tears on the way. I had had enough tears to last a lifetime but would come across some more I was sure. I told Gemma that I had seen her face and how uncertain she had looked about everything that had went on and how stressed and worried she had looked. I told her I couldn’t put someone I loved through all the hassle that would surely be coming our way. She went mental. Ffs not again!! I was a waste of space, talked utter bullshit and she didn’t know why she believed me in anything I had said. I felt awful but I had to be strong this time. I said how sorry I was but I also wasn’t 100% sure that it would work and it was far too much for me to risk for something that she might not be happy with after a year or two. She, of course, said she would be happy but I honestly didn’t think she would. More tears. More stress. More sadness. I had caused so much upset that I actually started to question who I was. Eventually I said goodbye and headed home. When I got home I said to Alison that I had been to see Gemma and told her that I couldn’t be in contact with her ever again. That will be impossible as she will come on my bus at some point and since I am neither rude or ignorant, I will say hello. I hope that isn’t soon and that I have had time to get over her because it is going to be a while and I still think about her every day. Myself, Alison and the two girls go to Bulgaria 4 weeks on Monday and hopefully that will bring us as close together as we used to be.

The Top 100 has reached the halfway stage and the question is who can stop Barcelona? At the start of the season I was quite confident that Bayern Munich were going to be the team to do just that but it is seemingly less likely that it is going to happen. The Spanish team are just too strong and dropping points is as rare as a Fiorentina win. The bottom of the table looks a lot more interesting and especially Will Trafford’s amazing recovery with Manchester City. His hopes of staying in the top flight were dead and buried as he tasted defeat after defeat but a run of three wins on the spin has sparked a possible sensational recovery. If he survives this season after being dead at the bottom then he will have to change his name to Jesus Trafford.

The race for promotion from Division 2 is starting to heat up with Beddows’ AC Milan all of a sudden dropping points all over the place. Rumours that the players have been more focused on trying to catch the Pokémon’s dotted around the pitch are apparently untrue although why some of them seem to celebrate when the opposition score a goal is strange to say the least. It would certainly be a disaster if AC Milan fail to get promoted after the position they were in and once more Beddows’ job would be in question. Frank Hirst’s ‘its my ball’ attitude continues as he finds himself on track for a second promotion on the spin. Other teams in Division 3 are too scared to beat Genoa in case they are slapped with a transfer ban or some sort of obscure rule that permits them only to field an under 11 side. In Division 4, everything that Nick Wheels touches seems to turn to gold as his Brazilian outfit top the table. These hairless boys seem to be enjoying life under Nick, well the rumour is that Nick always likes to be on top, and that promotion could see them being allowed to eat out at McDonalds for a week. Nick Wheels, I gather, is not his real name. I am assuming that he comes from Liverpool with a name that is also a profession in the Merseyside city. Division 5, which has become famous due to its Belgian connection, has more shady managers than a rappers convention on the west side. That’s all I can say about that due to the fear of repercussions.

At Liverpool, our season has went from strength to strength as we find ourselves loitering around the top 6 to 8. We have lost just four games of the 20 played and that is all down to having a more or less settled side. There have been 3 or 4 upgrades during the season but compared to Season 2’s upheaval everything has went smoothly. We have seen the benefit on the pitch, especially in defence and only Barcelona and Juventus have a better goals conceded record than we do. If we can turn some of the draws into wins in the second half of the campaign then a top four place is possible and that would be huge for a club that escaped relegation on the last day of last season.

I apologise that the Soccer Manager part of the blog is not as full as it has been but doing the real life part was a struggle as it brought it all back to me on how hard it was. Hopefully things have all settled down now although I still have the fear that it could come back and bite me in the bum some time in the future. All I can say now is thanks for taking the time to read and I am hopeful of getting back to normal with my head screwed on the right way.

Until next time

Ciao