With an average age of 27 and a considerably lower IQ, last season was unkind to Razzaque.
Russian strongman Vladimir Putin earmarked the club as a symbol of Kremlin power, but Dynamo’s late season collapse – netting more red herrings than a Leningrad fishmonger – was more like Krypton. First the club fell out of contention, and then favour. Putin eventually sold the Dynamo to a new buyer, in disgust.
Rumour has it his last words to a dejected Razzaque were, “Vodkaind of coach you are, Razzaque? You give me brewer’s droop so Crimea river, davarish.”
The club’s new owner introduced himself in typically bombastic fashion.
“Yeah, Vlad didn’t want to give it up. He didn’t want to hand over the goodies, but I took it! I took Putin’s D, which is a yuge thing. I took it because I’m Donald Trump, and I am gonna Make America Great Again, and Dynamo Moscow is coming along for the ride!”
Retaining Razzaque as manager
“Am I the only one who thinks that’s kind of a, a hispanic, non-American sounding name? Have we checked his birth certificate yet? What was that?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S A MOOOSE-SLIM! Why I’m going to personally string hi…
[ speech interrupted by campaign aide]
“…his tennis racket, yes, that’s it, his tennis racket, when I invite him over to discuss the foosball program. I’m new to this so we’re getting up to speed on the scrimmage, and special teams, and quarterback recruitment. Oh, no quarterbacks? Then who throws? Whaddaya mean no hands? I mean, I know what no hands mean, y’know when Ivank….Melania’s down there, but everyone knows you play football with hands, goddamnit!
“…however this is a world game and we’ll work on implementing quarters, and timeouts, freethrows and so on. Frankly, this is exactly the kind of firm leadership the world needs, and America will lead the way, just like the Kardashians lead everyone on social media.”
The new look Trumps everything else
“I designed it myself under my yuge new designer label; DTF. That’s Donald Trump Foosball.”
“The shoulder epaulettes are woven using the same teflon fibre as my hair. I own stock in the manufacturing process. Win, lose or draw, I’m makin money hand over fist!”
Defending the net as if it were America
“I’m told that we leaked goals, just like America leaks freeloading, illegal aliens. Well that’s going to stop because I’m building a defensive wall like you’ve never seen before, and Mexico’s going to pay for it! Then we’re going to shut out everything! Our point guards are going to guard against points being scored on you.”
Raining goals as easily as ballistic drone strikes
I know all about scoring. I could write a book about it, and it would be compulsory reading for this team, but we need to improve our field goal percentage. When the puck comes your way, you slap shot that baby past the defenseman. Our running-backs and wide receivers have to make themselves available to catch every play, running into the end-zone at every opportunity. Our yardage will go through the roof. This, I promise you soccerballers.