Gino Kinnearo Investigates –


Remember to listen to the Music before proceeding

Everyone’s favourite impartial Italian journalist, Gino Kinnearo woke at 6am CET to board a flight from Porto (when Milan had just been scandalously beaten 2-0, with Honda getting a straight red about as justified as Keane’s arrogance!)

How does Gino fly you may well ask… Alitalia normally but due to this undercover mission he has been upgraded to business class with everyone’s favourite airline, Ryanair! 
Ryanair Business class
Today’s destination – Germany and a Top Secret undercover assignment where he was hoping to confirm the truth behind rumours of the Irish Mafia taking over one particular city and one particular club, ripping the heart out of it and the community in the process – YES – Gino Kinnearo was bound for Stuttgart! 
Immediately upon landing in Germany Gino was met by some heavy-set Irishmen who whisked him into the back of a black Mercedes with tinted windows and drove off – saying nothing one of them handed Gino a wad of 50euro notes and a napkin upon was written what appeared to be an itinerary for the day – (1) go to Stuttgart HQ, (2) watch Stuttgart train, (3) meet the staff and (4) go on a sightseeing tour of the German city… 
What interested Gino the most were the rumours coming out of Stuttgart, ever since Mr feargal a hickey had been appointed as Manager the City and the Sports press have been on lockdown, if fact some journalists, including Gino’s friends have disappeared after writing what were simply neutral comments about Mr O’Hickey… Dark and disturbing rumours indeed that Gino was determined to get to the bottom of! 
First stop Gino had thought was to be the Stuttgart training ground, the HQ, but as the car passed the Stuttgart training ground and drove directly towards the city centre Gino was shocked to learn that Feargal had completely restructured the club organisation and it was no being ran by a small elite team of trusted individuals from…
The Auld Rougue, Stuttgart – VFB’s New HQ
Gino was given a tour the No 1 Irish Pub in all of Stuttgart, and was given a guided tour by a heavy set Irishman clearly explaining that this is where Feargal holds his team meetings, holds morale team building exercises and invites the local ‘blond’ girls to come and have discos with the players and Feargal’s management team. In fact it was Paul O’Hickey one of Feargal’s own children who ensured Gino had a clear understanding of all of the facilities and how everything worked.

Paul O’Hickey, Feargal’s 2nd youngest and ‘favourite’ son

It was explained that Feargal is very keen on building a team spirit here at the club, but that all players must adhere to and join in the various drinking games that are apart of his rigorous training program that doesn’t end at on the training ground but at 3am most mornings, with all of the players allowed to sleep it off at Club HQ! In fact the walls of the club HQ were not full of pictures of Stuttgart players scoring goals but of David Ospina and Jay Rodriguez playing beer pong, Fred and Aaron Lennon drinking Guinness and Black and Didier Drobga dressed for Pub Golf. 

But where was Feargal? Surely if he wasn’t at HQ he would be at the training ground which was Gino’s next stop on his whistle stop investigation. Upon leaving The Auld Rogue he could clearly sense the atmosphere of fear around the city… people looked away and avoided going anywhere near the HQ, in fact there were precious few people on the streets at all… why would an Irishman do this to such a beautiful city? 
Next stop was the training ground. One thing that struck Gino whilst being driven out of the city and into the serene German countryside was the lack of German flags, in fact he at first thought that they were Ivory Coast flags in support of Stuttgart’s star striker, Mr Drogba, but then Gino quickly realised that they were actually Irish flags (it is easy to confuse the two), he asked his heavy set driver,  Paul: “Are the Irish flags up for St Patrick’s Day, it is a bit early isn’t it.”
Paul responded… “it is Father’s wish… it is the law… only Irish flags can be flown in Stuttgart, you wait until we reach the training ground.”
And sure enough upon going down the long drive to the training complex Gino was stunned by the level of Irish influence, Irish flags, leprechauns, pixies and empty Guinness cans lined the route… And then a site that shocked him most, one of Fergal’s other 5 sons was sitting on the side-lines whilst the players trained.
“That is Dougal, he is the youngest” O’Connell explained. “He is the tactical analysis coach and over there with the lads is Ted (the middle child), he is first team coach.”
Feargal’s Youngest – Dougal O’Hickey – Tactical Analysis Coach
Kinnearo stepped out of the car in bewilderment, so Fergal had brought his own children over the Stuttgart to ensure that things were going to be done as he’d wanted. Kinnearo had of course heard of these Mafia rumours but these two men, Fergal’s sons, seemed more holy than mafia…

First team coach and Feargal’s 2nd eldest, Ted O’Hickey

Paul then shepherded Gino Kinnearo inside of the complex and immediately introduced him to Stuttgart’s Chief Media Office, Head of Team Affairs and Player Liasion Officer, (Fergal’s eldest son incidentally) Jack. 

Jack is said by some within the now underground Sports media in the City to be the head honcho in the Irish Mafia, the man who everyone fears, Fergal’s Goebbels. Gino could clearly see from his appearance why this was the case, he’d of course seen him undertaking press conferences on behalf of his father before but he was stunned by the smell of alcohol on a man that was in all fairness running the club on behalf of his father.

Jack O’Hickey, the eldest son of Feargal and Chief Media Officer, Head of Team Affairs and Player Liasion

Gino was then introduced to two more people of importance within the club, firstly to Eamon, (Fergal’s second oldest son) and head of Youth Development at the club and Frau Bierscoffer a 70 year old fascist with an insane tolerance for alcohol. Gino spoke at length with Frau Bierscoffer and promised that he would not publish anything that she said. He asked her in depth of life under the O’Hickeys?

Eammon O’Hickey – Feargal’s 2nd eldest son – in charge of Youth Development


“It is a nightmare, fear… we all fear Fergal, although we very rarely see him.” She said…

“He leaves everything to his children, Jack, Eamon, Ted, Paul and Dougal. Jack is the worst! I have worked in this club for 55 years and now no one dare speak. It is the same back in the City ever since Feargal came there have been more Irish arriving than Migrants! And they breed like rabbits… we will be outnumbered very soon. I fear for the future of the city and the club. His totalitarian, Stalinist approach to power is making life in the city a living hell!”

But still a question puzzled Gino, the fear was there for all to see, in the city, at the club… but where was the Head of the Snake, where was this great and feared leader. Paul promised that he would take him there next.   

Back into the Mercedes and back into the city… Gino rechecked his napkin and notes that the final point on the agenda was a sightseeing tour of the city’s attractions and Paul immediately brought Gino to what appeared to be a photoshoot. Yes a photoshoot and to Gino amazement the model was Fergal himself.
Gino was stunned how such a handsome, good looking gentleman could be perceived as such a monster by the people of Stuttgart?

He was completely taken aback by this image that Feargal had decided to portray of himself when at first glance he was nothing of the sort – he was no Frankenstein? No Stalin!

Gino then was allowed by Feargal’s minders 5 mins with this reclusive hard-to-reach man of mystery…

“I am a recessionist… I had become completed disillusioned by the recession in Ireland that Mafia and football management were the only two things that I know and love and I decided why not bring them together in Stuttgart! As you can see the City and the team are thriving.”

Gino was not so sure about the reference to thriving but he continued to question Feargal on rumours of the Irish Mafia being in the City.

“Of course! How else would I be able to afford the wages of players like Fred, Lennon and Drogba! The community supplement their and my standard of living… sure the shopkeepers might not like the knocks on the doors but I see no issues… it is for the good of the club and just look at the league table.”

Indeed it was true that Feargal had seen a huge upturn in performances from the side who currently sit in the 
Division 5 play-off positions. Gino was keen to ask Feargal one more question about his management of the club and the roles of his own sons…

“The boys are so happy to be here. Back home in Ireland life is tough but here they have job for life and they love being with me everyday!”

After a light lunch of beer and bratwurst Mr Gino was invited back to the club training ground for the Pre-match press conference ahead of VFB’s game against Zenit in the Youth Cup tomorrow, a must win for Feargal’s side.

Feargal O’Hickey joined by his son and assistant Jack O’Hickey at a Stuttgart Press Conference
Gino concluded that indeed curruption is as rife in Stuttgart as it is in Liverpool, Madrid and Sao Paulo and that he feels sooner or later Stuttgart as a city will revolt against this Irish invasion, imagine the Irish invading a country… history is indeed being rewritten in SM Top 100! 

Gino then took a flight back to Milan ahead of his sides game v PSG, also in the Youth Cup tomorrow night. 

3 comments

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s