“Putin came to see me a few weeks back and explained that whilst Division Two is important there were more political problems in the world and that he needed my help.”

“So I got the lads together and explained what Mr Putin had requested – that Zenit formed the Zenit Pals Battalion and go to the front line in Syria.”

“Off we went, the whole squad, after a few days training we were in the air, on the ground doing our bit for Mother Russia and helping to quash the advances of the rebel scum!”

“It of course has led to great fatigue amongst the players and as such our results have suffered. But world peace is more important than football!”

 

Beddows then called on the other Russian based managers including Razzaque (Dynamo Moscow) to take on the mantle, follow Beddows’ lead and join him and his players on non-match days in Syria to help rid the world of terrorism. It remains to be seen if Razzaque will join Beddows but he has allegedly via his publicist announced that he will make an announcement tomorrow.