Good Buy Bailly!

Hamburger SV are delighted to announce the signing of Real Madrid star centre back Eric Bailly.

In exchange, the Spanish club will receive the Red Shorts’ player of the season, Nikola Kalinic, versatile left-sided defender Nacho Monreal, as well as young starlet Mauro Junior.

Deal or No Deal?

Swift negotiations were concluded last night after der Dino boss Marsden put his little boy to sleep and woke up to the fact that Beddows’ PMed counter-offer of Monreal and Kalinic for Bailly was eminently reasonable and to be snapped up at the first opportunity.

Prior to persuading his three year old to attempt to win the World Sleeping Championship Trophy – by lying very still, very quietly, and with his eyes closed – Marsden had wondered if losing his two best players was too big a price to pay. Refreshed from another bedtime victory over Marsden Junior, he decided it was a good buy.

‘Eliaquim Mangala can play at left back, as he has been doing recently, and you can always try to buy a new left back, if necessary,’ his son had told him before falling asleep.

Marsden decided to revise his offer to what Beddows had proposed, only to find that Beddows had already made the same counter-offer, in any case. Marsden gleefully accepted, and gave a prayer of thanks to the SM gods.

15 minutes later, Beddows cancelled the deal.

He had made a mistake. He didn’t mean to make the counter-offer, and – in fact – didn’t know that he had done so, until he saw that the deal had been accepted. He said he ‘had a lot of deals on the table’. I’ve been to houses like like that. Silver foil everywhere, dogs with tattoos, complete chaos.

Juventus, meanwhile, lodged a bid.

After some overnight negotiations involving the corrupt Top 100 officials – including, believe it or not, Juventus boss DP 91 – it was agreed that no deal had been agreed and that Beddows rightfully cancelled the accepted deal within the 5 minute grace period.

Hamburg immediately lodged an appeal, which was successful upon the additional payment of Mauro Junior.

Scandalous, but not unlike real life.

YOU Decide!

This transfer skulduggery comes just a few days after Beddows tried to force Marsden out of Top 100 all together, in order to make room for the return of his trusted lapdog and predecessor at Real Madrid, “Roy Keane”, in a Big Brother-style vote that went hopelessly wrong for the beleaguered Bernabeu gaffer.

In a harrowing turn of events, Marsden earlier this week woke up to find a horse’s head in his bed, with a calling card bearing all the hallmarks of Beddows’ poodle “Keane”. It wasn’t a real horse’s head at all, it was a miniature wooden horse, with a gift tag attached. The note read,

K A R M A S (sic) A  B I T C H .   E N J O Y  T H E  S I L E N C E .   L O T S  O F  L O V E ,  P A U L  A N D  F A M I L Y x x x

Inside the wooden horse, shoved right up inside it’s rear end, was a USB memory stick, presumably containing some kind of trojan malware, or – possibly – “Roy Keane’s” eBook, ‘My Guide to Creating New Accounts or Logging into Old Ones to Circumvent SMFA Newsfeed Bans’, or a collection of insults, false accusations and abuse.

Who knows? Who cares?

I shoved it back up the horse’s arse.