Beddows was hailed an instant hero as his new Madrid side ended 2017 with silverware as they won the inaugural ROY KEANE MEMORIAL CUP - a friendly cup final v Stuttgart.
Beddows, who only arrived in Madrid on Friday - named a largely unchanged squad with a few debutants including Mahrez, Meunier, Kruse and of course new Madrid club captain Mario Balotelli.

Madrid cantered to their first silverware of the Beddows era (albeit Mickey Mouse silverware - it still counts) With Mario and Greizzmann the stars - Mario scoring 2x on his debut and Greizmann completing the rout.

Balotelli celebrates his 2nd to clinch the Roy Keane Memorial Cup - new boys Kruse, Mahrez are joined by Greizmann and Pogba as they rush to celebrate

After the match and the celebrations Beddows addressed the media in the press room:

QUESTION: Leaving Milan must have been very hard - what memories will you take with you?

"Many, many - two years is a long time to dedicate to anything - let alone  team on Soccer Manager - I poured everything into that team, my heart and my soul. The highlight has to have been the 6th place finish in Division One - when the dinosaurs stats had predicted we should finish 18th! The low point probably losing in the SMFA Shield Final - getting promoted was brilliant - but we did lose the title on the last day to Spurs. Mixed bag - but memories to last a lifetime."

QUESTION: What of your rivals? Will you miss them?

"Well in terms of Milan's rivals I will always have very little admiration for most Italian based managers, Hirst, DP, Mclean - not really very nice people if we are honest. We were the bigger "man" in these relationships and obviously came out of most battles with our head held high!

QUESTION: What do you mean not very nice?

They always seemed to want to see me fail! Well, who is sitting here in this chair right now? And you can tell Mclean I said that!

QUESTION: What are your plans at Madrid?

Well I don't want to be labelled Moyes - so winning something is important - the World Club Cup will be a great start? As for what else - I think  a rebuild is generally in order - the first team is brilliant - but there is no depth - no bench of quality to fight on all fronts. The youth team has taken a battering due to Roy's mental collapse in his final days and that is our 2nd priority. We want to challenge but that will be incredibly tough!

QUESTION: Why Mario? And can he honestly score the goals at the top top level?

Why not? If you compare Mario goal-scoring stats across SM they are incredible - Kruse too - it is no coincidence that we bought him in - ok he will predominately be on the bench but he will score and he will contribute massively with assists - watch this space.

Also Mario and me have a personal connection - back in 2007/2008 when I was living in Italy, the first match I took my step-son to (he was 7) was Inter v Fiorentina and Balotelli then aged 17/18 scored the 2nd goal and we were up in the gods behind the goal - for that reason I will always love him :)

(I forgive him playing for City and Liverpool)

Who?

QUESTION: Barcelona

Yes, yes - I know of that s*** club - who are the other one?

QUESTION: the interviewer has to explain to Beddows who Atletico Madrid are and who they manager is.... 

Ah ok, sorry I thought there was only one team in Madrid - my mistake - well they can't be very good if they have been relegated before can they? And why have a medical man in charge - even Mclean or some other poor excuse for a manager like Ancic or Scallotti could do a better job than a medical man!

As for Barcelona or Barcesea - lets face it those Mckenzie brothers are in it together - they need taking down  peg or two and we won't be afraid to do it! That will be my greatest challenge, knocking Barcelona off their f****** perch!

QUESTION: Could you form some sort of alliance with an Arsenal or Juventus?

Beddows spits his San Miguel out at the mere mention of the idea

Are you on some sort of crazy Scottish water - alliance with DP - more chance of the Dinosaur getting his stats right - and I bet I can be predicted for 13th place finish next season cus that is what the president has set us as a target!

In all seriousness though Barcesea's ego is getting too big and I CANNOT wait for the first El Classico of next season and the match v the other Mckenzie dude as well - I am sure already they are colluding the best way to beat me!

QUESTION: Youth Cup - a priority?

I will be honest with you - it is a dream - but presently our team I don't think is ready for a Youth Cup challenge - in all fairness we might (due to World Cup call ups) use the next two matches as youth cup games in order to see where the gaps lie as they is some work to be done in that department.

QUESTION: What of other managers - what do you think of their season? Out of ten?

Naylor and Piero 1/10 - Dinosaur 0.5/10, Hudson 1/10, Parfitt 0/10... everyone else 3/10.

QUESTION: Some say Roy picked you personally - as the Chosen one - is this true?

Lets stop such stupid talk - I got this job because I was the best one of the 99 candidates - Guri wasn't given the job as he can't speak Spanish, Lee Reynolds - well I'd best not disclose why he wasn't even in the top 50 candidates.

Josh Mcmillan, Mark Stewart - both good managers but quite odd individuals the later likes tram spotting and there are no trams in Madrid and Josh likes bettle fighting - WTF right? Google it!

Nick Wheels was considered but the Brazilian government said no. Garry Crawford broke his back, DP was too boring for the President's tastes!

Senior was too old, Marsden too mardy and the less said about Prince as a candidate the better - actually he is dead isn't he?

QUESTION: Finally Roy Keane? What of him? Any news?

Roy - ah yes he has taken to a life of seclusion - like Luke Skywalker - he was under lots of stress in Madrid and he cracked so he has gone to work as a farmer on Tristan da Cunha - if you have never heard of it - fascinating - have a google ;)


Happy New Year

as monaco have announced former leicester city manager nathan prince as there new manager.

with the top 100 manager merry go round in full swing AS monaco have decided to appoint nathan as there new head coach after andre villas boas left for hellas verona  despite leading the team to division 5 champions.

as monaco will be hoping nathan can achive the same success as he did with leicester city and guide monaco to division 3 within 1 season.

dmitry rybolovlev said im very happy to have brought nathan in as head coach after he guided leicester city to promotion to division 3 which of course is our aim next season. 

new manager nathan said im very happy to be here at this magnificent club. i intend to get this club promoted into division 3 and im very confident with the talent of players at this club. its now time to get to work and start preerations for next season.

there will no doubt be massive pressure on the new manager to deliver that all important promotion the owner demands. if nathans previous jobs are to go by then transfers will be pivotel for him to stamp is authority on the monaco dressing room.

After tonight match v Lazio Beddows announced that he was to be leaving the San Siro for pastures new - as was to expected what followed was chaotic scenes of emotion which can only be comparable with what the bible predicted will happen on judgement day and what followed was a hastily arranged memorial service which millions attended.  

At full-time Beddows said thank you before boarding a mysterious helicopter which was adorned with #mckenzieout #whereisroy

Beddows will be remembered at Milan for 

Played 254

Points 460

Hirst and Parfitt led the cortege of mouners

Division Three promotion chasing Sevilla matched up with Division Five strugglers Flamengo in a distraction from league position pressures for respective managers David Senior and Mark Phelps. Former Valencia boss Senior won the Youth Cup last season with Los Che, and was looking to complete a unique double by winning the Youth Shield this. Fla boss Phelps has built an all-Brazilian squad, which has perhaps under-performed at senior level, but is bearing ripe fruit in the under-21 age group.

Flamengo had easily the best side on paper going into the final, but Sevilla had little right to get to the third round stage, let alone the final, and have been over-achieving all season under the seasoned eye of boss Senior.

Youth Shield Final 1st leg at the Maracana, Saturday 23 December 2017

Phelps made three changes to the side which totally dominated the second leg of the semi-final in the same stadium against Sporting Lisbon, but who could only draw 1-1. Having comfortably won the first leg in Lisbon 2-0, it didn’t matter, of course, but the Brazilan club’s boss might have been mindful of trying to make their likely domination of the ball count where it matters most. Cerqueira came in for dos Santos at the back, while Jailson assumed solo defensive midfield duties, allowing Rossetto to make way for Ribamar to partner Everton up front.

Flamengo were perhaps unfortunate that their best chance fell to full-back Principe just after the hour, who finished like a full-back chipping the ball weakly into the hands of the Brazilian keeper. Not long after, Jailson, who was the man of the match, received an innocuous-looking pass from Jorge, and decided to try his luck from range with a viciously swerving shot that Sivera could do nothing about. Both sides tired in the heat after that, which left the tie finely balanced for the return leg in Spain.

Final Score 1-0. Man of the match Jailson for Flamengo.

Youth Shield Final 2nd leg at the Ramón Sánchez Pizjuán Stadium in Seville, Wednesday 27 December 2017

Team news

Sevilla continued unchanged while Flamengo brought back Gabriel dos Santos for Leo Santos.

The pattern of the game was similar to the first leg, with Flamengo again creating more and better chances overall. The Spanish side, however, created more and better chances of their own, and while young Sivera in the home goal produced yet more outstanding saves to keep the Brazilians at bay, his opposite number Caique had a bit of a nightmare!

While Sivera had already made three good saves inside the first twenty minutes, the young Brazilian had shakily tipped an early near post effort from Vittorio Parigini on to the post, before failing to stop Bozok’s 18th minute strike, only helping it on its way into the back of the net. 1-0 on the night, and 1-1 on aggregate.

That goal understandably took the wind out of the visitors, before both sides had their next efforts on goal just before half time.

Sevilla contained Flamengo again after the break until just after the hour they broke and won a corner. Remi Oudin’s deep in-swinging cross into the box was touched in by Bozok at the back post as Caique - and the Brazilian defence - just stood and watched. 2-0 on the night, and 2-1 to Sevilla on aggregate!

Flamengo rallied, and briefly threatened when Richarlison’s free-kick was touched on to the bar, and over, by Ribamar. But Sevilla held on and even had another effort of their own in the final ten minutes.

Final Score 2-0. Man of the match Antonio ‘new de Gea’ Sivera for Sevilla. Sevilla win the Youth Shield 2-1 on aggregate. 

After the game, Flamengo boss Phelps was flummoxed, but magnanimous:







Meanwhile, Sevilla boss Senior refused to let his players collect the trophy claiming it wasn’t sufficiently shiny, cancelled the after match party, and declared - a la Mourinho - that the best team lost:








Very unlucky to lose after dominating the stats so completely, Mark, but Sevilla have had a truly magnificent competition, and Sivera’s performance in both legs of the final sealed their win.

Two Top 100 giants fought each other tooth and nail home and away in this two-legged final either side of Christmas. Bayern hosted Juventus at the Allianz Arena on Saturday, with the return leg in Turin last night.


Dan Payne’s Old Lady side arguably went into the tie as strong favourites having significantly strengthened their youth setup during the campaign, most notably with the capture of former Real Madrid pair Gabriel Jesus and Ousmane Dembele.

However, their confidence took a knock losing 4-3 at home to a weakened Madrid side in the semi-final second leg, and only progressed thanks to two sendings off for Real, and the cushion of a 3-0 away leg win courtesy of Madrid’s failure to organise their home fixture.

On top of that, Bayern had won 9 of the last 10 fixtures between these two at senior level.

Youth Cup Final 1st leg at the Allianz Arena, Saturday 23 December 2017

Perhaps mindful not to give too much away to an attack-minded Bayern side on home turf, Juve boss Payne opted for a more defensive approach in the first leg. Joao Pedro and Nico Elvedi came into the defence for Pedro Pereira and Lorenco Simic, while Renato Sanches replaced Mahmoud Dahoud, in what appeared to be a five man midfield.

“just hoping our weak areas in FB & GK positions don’t cost us, especially in the away leg where the tie could essentially be wrapped up by Bayern alike the 1st leg of the semi-final they contested. “

“It would take a huge dollop of SM f***wittery to deny Juve over two legs but we’ve seen it before so you never know… :-)"

Youth Cup Final 2nd leg at the Juventus Stadium, Wednesday 27 December 2017

Last day nerves.  What will the last day bring.

While not really the case, it always seems that the last day of the season decides the fate of so much that could have been sorted a week a go. 8 teams in D2 have a possible 3rd place finish and 3 more could get a playoff spot.

Division 1

At the top all done and dusted .

At the wrong end ( gulp ! ) . Still plenty to decide in terms of the sack race and the race with 3 teams who could finished 2nd from last.

Villareal need a point or for Ajax or Valencia to not win. However if they lose and the others win their fate is settled as all teams have -28 GD.

Villareal should expect no favours from Barca so there is hope for both their opponents.

Ajax need to score one more than Valencia, if both teams win or lose by one less if they both lose. 

Valencia have the toughest game away to Napoli , Ajax a more favourable home draw to PSG who blow hot and cold. 

Sadly I expect the last 4 order to be Ajax, Villareal, Valencia, Sunderland.

Division 2

Champions and second spot decided.

However as indicated in the title, it is a mad battle for 3rd and below.

A win for Schalke is enough for 3rd but a draw could see them not even in the playoffs.

They play Sporting Lisbon , who have to play for a win.  Schalke are on a tremendous run Sporting less so,. 

So I see Schalke finishing 3rd.

Southampton can also expect maximum points so they should get 59 ooints and with a superior gd will finish 4th

Sampdoria vs Fiorentina is the tie of the round.  Sampdoria have better form , expect a win, Fiorentina to miss out on the playoffs all together.

So Sampdoria to finish 5th

Inter should take advantage of this and win coming 6th again with superior GD making the difference.

Leverkeusen should do enough against lowly Athletic club to come 7th.

Genoa , AC Milan should also win , and with Sporting likely not to , they will be snapping at the heels of any of the top 8 if they don't perform.

At the wrong end  

All is settled other than who faces the sack, with Athletic club look all but doomed.

Division 3

Where will the title end up. Well Celtic have the easier fixture , but a draw will be enough for the Hoff, so that should be enough.

St Etienne in 3rd have an easier fixture than 4th place Newcastle and have good form, they should get the 3rd promotion spot.

Chievo and Sevilla are guaranteed a playoff spot and no more.

This leaves Hamburg , who I expect to draw with the Hoff. Lyon  who will beat Chievo who will rest up their first 11, and Shaktar who should beat AZ. So it looks like Hamburg's great run will come to nought with Lyon taking advantage of Chievo to get the last place.

Villa and Galatasaray battle it out for the last relegation spot, with PSV safe on superior GD, Villa face Celtic so it will be an up hill battle, expect the Turkish team to beat already relegate Marseille, who will also finish 2nd from last .

 

Division 4

All 3 promotion and champions decided upon and no playoff spots up for grabs , the 2nd XI will be out in force.

It is unlikely Feyenoord can avoid relegation as they probably need to win 10 - 0 to stand a chance.  Basel also have to win as they play relegation rivals Levante.  Levante have the better form, and knowing Basel must win , leaves them with a tactical advantage to exploit , so Basel will be saying hello to D5.

Celta may avoid the 2nd to last spot, as Feyenoord have a tough last game where as Celta play the last place Malaga.

Division 5

Monaco and Torino promoted as 1st and 2nd.  Anderlecht should expect to win against mid table River Plate, but a slip up will certainly put them in the playoffs.

Twente should beat Independiente to come 4th with Espanyol all but guarnateed victory to come 5th but looking for Anderlecht to under perform.

All this could play into the hands of Montpellier and Bremen who will be resting up their first XI .

Cologne and Kazan can expect to prop up the table.

 

It’s been a while since I contributed to the blog. Too long to be honest but with so much going on in my life, I just didn’t have the time. Since my last blog, which I am sure was in black and white, the biggest change has been leaving a comfortable job at Liverpool and taking on a much more difficult one in the football hungry city of Turin. When Torino wanted to speak to me about their vacant post I told them I had no idea where the post had gone but it definitely wasn’t me that stole it. Once the chairman explained that it was a job offer and not an accusation I accepted but still denied knowing anything about the missing post. I was, of course, followed to Italy by my favourite journalist who you will know as Fanny Licker. Well Fanny has also had a big change in her life. She met and married rock star Johnny Fishface and she is now Fanny Fishface. A nice aroma to that name I would say.



Her first task in Turin was to speak to the Torino supporting public. Most seem delighted at the club getting such a big name but the best reply came from a fan called Antonio Esposito.

Fanny: A quick word sir. You speak English?

Antonio: Huh

Fanny then changed into her fluent Italian

Fanny: You speak-a de English-a

Antonio: Aaah, Si, a little. Wait are you not the well known journalist, Pussy Wetter? No, erm, it is similar, no?

Fanny: Yes, actually it is Fanny Licker now Fanny Fishface

Antonio: Si, of course. What can I do for your Fanny?

Fanny: What do you think of the new Torino manager?

Antonio: Aaah, Signore Gino. I am delighted especially after our last disaster. A funny story actually. When we hired our last manager, the information was very patchy. My friend, Giovanni, he told me we had an Australian. Some guy called Mick. I was so excited. ‘I know this guy’ I said. He is awesome. It will a great sight coz if we are losing he will just send on a couple of crocodiles and they will take care of our opponents defence and then we go on and win. At our first home game you can imagine my disappointment when they introduced the new manager. Mick Hudson was the announcement. What the fuck does he have to do with crocodiles? I was expecting that bloke with the crocodile teeth on his hat. You know, that Mick Dundee guy so I boo-ed this Michael Hudson guy and when we finished mid-table I was already screaming for a new man. He got better and took us to the play offs where we lost. Wait, this guy was a loser and he proved me right by getting us relegated the next season. Too bloody interested in the TOP100 Shield where he got us to the final only to prove he was still a loser. Next the Division 5 play offs and again a loser before complete mediocrity in Season 5. He decided to leave before he was lynched and we were angry fans. However news of the new boss made us very happy and look what Signore Gino has done in his first season!! We are back to being a Division 4 team and we are closing the gap from that black and white scum across the city.


Fanny: Thank you Antonio for that wonderful insight. One more question, do you have a big cock?

Antonio: No, molto piccolo.

Fanny: Piccolo? What the fuck? So I can play it like a flute? Doesn’t matter. Meet me in my hotel tonight.


So it has been a very happy, merry Christmas for all Torino fans. They can see the club moving forward and are excited for this season ending and the new fixtures coming out for next season. As for me, I am really enjoying Italy and I have signed up to the ‘GBOOI’ organisation. Not sure what it means really but one of the non-English speaking members told me it meant ‘Ottenere Beddows Fuori Dall’Italia’. Surely it should be the OBFD organisation then but apparently GBOOI is the English name. I still have no idea what I am paying my 1000 euros a month for.

Well, I hope everyone had a great Christmas and have recovered enough to look forward to the New Year. I don’t know if I will have time to contribute more often to the blog but I will see what happens. Would like to bring back the Thursday blog but, if I do, then it will be random Thursday’s and not every one.

That’s me for now. Catch you all later.

Ciao

This Christmas, Hamburg find themselves in almost exactly the same position as at the same stage last season - one game to go, and just about to miss out on the playoffs. Which got me to thinking about the posts (and ghosts) of Christmases (and other times) past, present and future. In no particular order, and these are of course just a small selection…

Christmas Past

Two years ago, the Youth Cup was born in a table and knockout round format, conceived in a bizarre love triangle comprised of three wise men, bearing gifts of Beddows, and Frank ‘In’ Hirst and DP91.

Tom Parfitt was battling relegation.

Stephen Beddows was looking forward to relieving himself of the pressure of managing Milan’s second best club, so that he could spend more time with his Youth Cup.

Doug Earle was peddling a ‘new and improved’ Espanyol.

Arsenal chief Michael Bowes was exchanging Christmas gifts with Roy Keane and Joe Jordan.

Norman Little had big plans for the Baggies.

New Hertha boss Mark Stewart was patiently waiting for a decent offer for Demba Ba.

Bruin was fanny bashing his Christmas Turkey and getting in his excuses for relegation early doors.

Ruts was looking forward to improving on predecessor Jens McJockitch’s 61 points for Celtic in D5.

I was hopeful of great things from Hatem Ben Arfa and new signing Demba Ba, and everyone thought Junior Stanislas was a good signing.

Christmas Present

The Youth Cup (and Shield) is still going strong. Beddows has handed over the running of it to me now, and I hope that I can continue to organise it in a much better and more timely fashion, er, I mean carry on his great work and legacy, especially with continued help from some of the rest of the Top 100 community.

Tom Parfitt is battling relegation.

Beddows has been tying himself in knots talking himself into and out of the Real Madrid job he so desperately covets.

Doug Earle has improved Espanyol beyond recognition, and they really do look like a brand new team. But they are still in Division Five.

Michael Bowes hasn’t blogged since signing Luke Shaw and Phil Jones for Anthony Martial. To be fair, he is about to lead Arsenal to fifth in Division One, which - as all Gooners will no doubt appreciate - is just like a trophy.

Nuno Bento has big plans for the Baggies.

Mark Stewart is planning a third successive title and promotion, and is probably going to stick with Luis Muriel for the time being.

Bruin is back in the USSR, and taking his new club back down to Division Three.

Ruts is just completing his first reasonably satisfactory season as Bayern boss, and his old club Celtic have just been promoted to Division Two.

I’m hopeful of great things from Raul Garcia (again) and new signing Mathieu Valbuena, and everyone thought Ahmed Hegazi was a good signing.

Christmas Future

What is the future of the Youth Cup? I’ll try to write another post soon, but in short, I wonder if there are any things about the competition we might want to look at changing? And if so, I would really welcome people’s ideas and suggestions.

A Division Five team for Tom.

To be honest, for all he’s done for the game world, I think Stephen deserves a crack at Madrid.

Doug gets promoted. (I still feel guilty for telling him Demba Ba would get him promoted.)

Michael comes out of blog retirement to write about his latest trophy.

Nuno will get drunk on New Year’s Eve and sign 57 youths no one has ever heard of. Once his six month transfer ban is up, they will all be world beaters and he will be crowned King of Top 100.

Mark will win a third successive promotion.

Bruin will be proving how tough he is by focusing on beating the drop into Division Four.

Ruts will win Division One, while Celtic will get relegated.

I’m hopeful of great things for Issa Diop. But I need a new defensive midfielder to replace Santiago Ascacibar, who has been fantastic on loan for us this season. And I really want to get Hamburg - a massive club - into Division Two, at least.

Merry Xmas all.

After a long hard season and one game left hertha Berlin finally pipped us to the title.

In what has been a very tough season and a massive battle to claim a automatic promotion with some very well managed teams in division 4.It's very hard to be downbeat despite losing the title. We have the best goals scored and the best defence in the division going into the last game and I couldn't of asked for anymore when the whole squad was pretty much changed.

With one game left at home to Sao Paulo.the lads will hope to send the fans away happy and ready for what will be a very tough season in division 3.


After the game manager Nathan will wave goodbye to the Leicester city fans as he moves on to a new club after guiding the foxes to promotion.

It's been a pleasure managing this top club and I will keep a eye out on there results in division 3. A opportunity has come that I can't turn down. I'm sure the board will appoint a new manager in due course and continue to grow.

Tonight sees the first legs of the culmination of a long, hard season of Youth Cup and Shield games for the four remaining teams, Bayern Munich and Juventus in the Youth Cup Final, and Flamengo and Sevilla in the Youth Shield Final. Second legs will be played on Wednesday 27 December, but here is a quick preview of the finals.

Youth Cup Final

It's not often that Munich giants Bayern are thought of as underdogs, but they disposed of a very disappointing Benfica team full of young talent in the semi-finals, and now face an equally good, if not better, Juventus youth team.

Not that Bayern don't have an excellent and steadily improving youth academy of their own:
Juve's youth looks simply too good, on paper, though. So good, in fact, that most of them are already in the Old Lady's senior squad:





Good luck to all, and may the best teams win.

Official Communique of the Spoon Liberation Army of Sao Paulo (In hiding)  




We of the S.L.A.S.P. (in hiding) congratulate Manager Nick Wheels of Sao Paulo Football Club for his efforts to guide this great club into Division 3 and for his loyalty in announcing he will stay another season to complete this great work.

Nick Wheels is not only a great manager of Sao Paulo, he is also an inspiration to its fans, it’s citizens and to us, here in S.L.A.S.P.

He has unswerving sought to elevate the fortunes of both the club and its people. He has supported The Spoon Army unswervingly from its time on the terraces of the Morumbi, through the mass incarcerations by the corrupt fascist dictatorship of the previous military Government and now he honours the Spoon Army’s metamorphosis into the social and political movement for justice for the Sao Paulo people.

We honour manager Wheels efforts & achievements both off and on the pitch and hope one day soon that we may be on the terraces, backing our Spoons with full revolutionary fervour, no longer an army in hiding.

Nick Wheels, you are now an honoury Commander in the Spoon Liberation Army of Sao Paulo.
May truth, glory and honour be your everlasting companions. May Spoons clatter wherever you walk.

Viva Paulista!!

Signed:

Juarez Tavora,
Patricia Galvao,
Dandara,
Luis Carlos Prestes

Regional Commanders

Nobody hates Christmas more than I do.You spend a fortune on presents for people and what do you get in return?Some novelty socks and a Lynx Africa box set.Not really fair is it?


And how about having to sit through endless repeats of TV shows and films year after year.Santa Claus The movie anyone?You have to be nice to people, family who you don’t like just because “it’s Christmas”.And don’t even get me started on Cliff bastard Richard!

No Christmas isn’t for me.I’m the original Scrooge.Because of all of this I wasn’t looking forward to the Liverpool Christmas party.A time where my players and staff and famous Liverpudlians come together.Get in the Christmas spirit I was told.My arse!

The day of the party got off to the worst possible start.South American duo Maxi Pereira and Salomon Rondon were caught with millions of pounds worth of white powder on them.I tried telling the police that as it was Christmas it was probably snow but they didn’t believe me.

The problems continues as Wojciech Szczesny and Hector Herrera were both hospitalised when a “Vodka v Tequila” contest went wrong.The winner-well neither of their livers obviously!The party was finally in full swing and the drinks were going down faster than David Inglis' Everton team.Captain Javi Martinez was owning the dancefloor.That was until he was kidnapped through a side door and thrown into the back of a van with “Scallotti removals” on the side.As it sped off 2 people who were recognised as Guido Carillo and Frank Acheampong were kicked out of the back door with “Send to Liverpool” signs on them.

This was turning into a bad night.There were a few familiar faces inside the party who seemed to be gate crashers.Leicester City manager Nathan Prince and the most wanted man in Top 100 Clement Lenglet were sat at a table with Sir Stephen Beddows and Mario Balotelli.I didn’t catch all of their conversation but I did hear Beddows say he was trying to tempt Nathan with “bunga bunga”.Hmm.Must be some new Brazilian wonderkid I thought.

Jordan Henderson was getting some stick from the rest of the lads about never having a girlfriend and needing to prove himself as a real man.Fair play to him then when he was seen smooching with someone who looked just like Cinderella on the dancefloor.Turns out it was Cinderella.Even though it was  Les Dennis in full costume after just arriving from the local Christmas panto at least he still pulled!

A fracas then started between a couple of blokes and a group of youngsters.Apparently local lads Ron Dixon and Jimmy Corkhill were fighting over a  woman called “Our Jackie” when some cups of fizzy vimto went flying and all hell broke loose.The drinks belonged to a group of teenagers wearing baseball caps and “Baggies for life” hoodies.The fight was eventually broken up by bouncers Joey Barton and Jimmy Tarbuck and this was our cue to leave.

As we headed back home I got a text from Ciro Immobile saying he wouldn’t be available for the next few games because of a groin strain.Seconds later João Moutinho texts me saying the exact same thing.I don’t think it was a coincidence they were both seen sloping off with Coleen Rooney and Abby Clancy midway through the night.Oh well groin strains aren’t too bad.Its not like they need double hip replacements like I did after that weekend with Sonia back in the late 80’s…..