2016
The King and I
Transfers. Specifically Carrick and Chong. We were in for both of them, we got neither. We had deals agreed with both. It was ready to go, and in both cases, some cheeky brown envelopes and a case of McEwans Export has turned their heads. Franks doing again no doubt, and proof once again of the bias against Levante.
As for tonight, Dinamo Kyiv. Dinamo fecking Kyiv. I’ll tell you something about those tasty little chicken based treats. That side have spent all season playing like Stanley Matthews. They play us and all of a sudden we make them look like Bernard Matthews. We only had 10 men as well. Ramis sent off for looking at the ball boy in a stern manner. Absolute joke that, and completely unsurprising.
Took that crown off them though didn’t we eh? I don’t mind Olympiacos winning the league. All them golden oldies, they were bound to piss it anyway. It’ll be our turn to take the crown next season anyway.
Anyway, he starts mouthing off, so I took that sceptre and used it to knock that crown clean off his head. He was balling, saying something about feeling naked without head gear, and that he gets ill if his head gets cold. So he trots off to his boudoir, and comes back with a fedora on. I told him Hewitt, it’s a swanky hat. I know you think you’re a legend, but you look like a twat
Anyhow, after a while, he’s got himself together and starts droning on about how he’s the best ever, how he’s unbeatable, and how he has gone down in the annals of history as the most special one of all. I called him out, went through the evidence, and called him a complete and utter shirt button.
He wasn’t happy obviously, but I was more interested in my Ginsters Cornish Pastie by that stage. It’s a great piece of pie to be fair, especially when it’s been improved with the addition of 3 grams of coke. Hewitt didn’t fancy one of my versions though, said it’d send me to an early grave. I told him I wanted to be buried in a glass coffin. Remains to be seen if that happens though.
Eruption at Wolfsburg: Can-gate Hits Lower Saxony
Instead of arriving to cheering fans - there to witness the arrival of the young German international - the Wolfsburg manager Greg Owen was hounded by press as his car arrived at the stadium.
Meanwhile Emre Can was safely tucked away at the Wolfsburg training ground where he appeared with his new Wolfsburg shirt ahead of his first match for Die Wolfe, which in the suspension absence of centre back Robin Knoche is expected to be this Thursday.
Much of the questioning at the press conference focussed on the issues surrounding the transaction of buying Can, rather than his place in the Wolfsburg squad, or his potential for either Wolfsburg or Germany.
Reporter: "So how do you explain the third-party ownership of Can?"
Owen: "This was not a case of third-party ownership - in fact the SMFA system of transfers does not even allow such a thing. There's no way to give another club money without getting a player in return, so how do you even end up having third-party ownership?"
Reporter: "So how Wolfsburg manage to buy Can from Arsenal, yet sell Kurzawa to Bayern Munich in exchange?"
Owen: "Look - when we negotiated to bring Gotze to Wolfsburg from Bayern, we also agreed in principle to an exchange of Kurzawa for Can in the other direction. This was on the understanding that Can was transferring from Arsenal to the Allianz in mid-October. What Gursiman at Bayern organised with Michael Bowes at Arsenal was that the transaction would be a three-way one, where Can came directly to Wolfsburg and Kurzawa went to Bayern at the same time as the original exchange between Arsenal and Bayern for Thiago occurred. Simple really. Isn't that clear?"
At which juncture, Owen swept from the room for a well-deserved Doppelbock before putting the squad through its training paces.
Reporter: "But doesn't that mean you're breaking the SMFA's transfer rules, by side-stepping the transfer ban period?"
Owen: "Look, yes, maybe it does. But manager's break the SMFA transfer rules every day. For example, managers do 3-for-1 deals where they exchange a third player for one in a cash deal to make it sweeter; or they do a 2-for-1 deal where they exchange one player and then do a separate cash transaction to get around the maximum amount a chairman will pay. And don't tell me Gino at Liverpool has never done one of them. You only have to watch the ITV expose on English club managers to know they all do it."
"And another thing - all these rules are in place because of the way the marketplace works in SM. Cash is worthless, and all managers ever want are other players. If the transfer market worked more like real life, then we wouldn't need the transfer ban or any of these other mechanisms for making deals."
Reporter: "So if everybody's doing it to some degree or another, what was all the fuss about on Tuesday night?"
Owen: "Well my own theory is that a few of the English managers were drowning their sorrows after watching a particularly poor English national team performance, and leaped into print with less consideration than usual."
"Cangate", External Player Ownership - The Need For A Considered Response
Concerned that the current furore over the external ownership of players is in danger of promoting a knee jerk reaction without the issue being fully discussed and thoroughly thought through I write expressing my view that care and a considered approach needs to be taken in implementing any rules to prevent possible abuse of the transfer system whilst retaining some degree of flexibility to managers within the constraints and limitations of the current SM transfer system.
Amongst the many areas of game play which I feel SM is lacking is the very limited ability to construct transfer deals, the options being simply - cash, 1 for 1 or 2 for 1.
As we see from Game Worlds like T100 transfers are an essential part of constructing an active GW where managers interact, the current transfer options are adequate when dealing with external clubs but human managers are more complex and push the boundaries and as such a more sophisticated method for constructing deals is required.
I don’t want to digress further on that so won’t go in to my thoughts and suggestions for how this could be achieved, I’ll keep that powder dry for another day maybe.
The current issue we have in T100 regarding external ownership has arisen through that natural human trait of pushing beyond limiting and often undesirable constraints, which is fine in itself until it conflicts with desirable constraints which is a skeleton that currently rattling in our cupboard.
Before going on further I should define what I see as being external ownership.
In T100 we have a transfer code of honour that any transfer mutually agreed by two managers whether via the SM transfer system, in the News Feed or through Chat or Private Message is a binding agreement, reneging on that deal being seen as a violation of T100 rules. The only exception being when a transfer is accepted in error through the SM system and is cancelled immediately.
This works fine when a simple cash for 1, 1 for 1 or 2 for 1 transfer is agreed, the bid is placed, accepted and the deal is completed, transparent throughout.
The potential for “external ownership” arises when a more complex multi-part deal is negotiated and agreed and when the 2nd or subsequent parts are not acted on immediately after the 1st part has been completed leaving a player or players agreed as part of the overall deal still at their original club.
To those outside the deal they see the ownership of the player being at the club at which they are still at whilst to those party to the deal and under T100’s code of honour they see the ownership being at the deal agreed final destination club, “external ownership”.
Whilst many may argue that there is nothing wrong with this in principal and and that these “2nd Party Ownership” deals go on all the time but as is currently being highlighted they have the potential to create issues or at worst are open to being abused.
Scenario 1
Manager A agrees to exchange Players X & Z for Player Y from Manager B, Player X is currently transfer banned so it agreed that Z will be transferred for cash and X exchanged for Y when the transfer ban is up.
Two days after the transfer of Z Manager B resigns, his former club now have all three players, is that clubs new manager obliged to stand by a deal they did not make and probably nobody but Managers A & B are aware of, if so how can that be enforced?
Manager A is at their squad limit of 50 but is tempted by an offer to exchange their Player Y for Players X & Z from Manager B. The managers agree to Y being exchanged for X whilst Z will stay in Manager B’s squad until a later date but is now “externally owned” by Manager A.
Whilst Manager A has not gone over the 50 squad limit they have in effect a 51 player squad. Is this acceptable within T100 squad cap rules and if not how can this be policed?
The situation gets even murkier when we move into “3rdParty Ownership” where players like Z in Scenario 2 are used in a further transfer without the original transfer ever being completed.
Scenario 3
Manager A would also like to do a deal for Player W from Manager C but has already done 3 transfer deals with them this season, however A knows that C is interested in Player Z.
Managers A & B agree to exchange Players Y & X and that Player Z will be exchanged by Manager B for Player W from Manager C but will in effect be “externally owned” by Manager A, effectively bypassing the 3 transfer limit.
Scenario 4
Manager A has received an offer to exchange their Player Y for Players X & Z from Manager B.
Manager A would also like to do a deal for Player W from Manager C but has nobody currently in his squad that interests Manager C, however A knows that C is interested in Player Z but Manager A wants Player W now and is not prepared to wait until Player Z’s transfer ban is up and risk missing out on a deal.
Managers A & B agree to exchange Players Y & X and that Player Z will be sold by Manager B to Manager C whilst Player W in return is sold by Manager C to Manager A.
Effectively Player Z is transferred twice but serves only one transfer ban.
Whilst these scenarios and others may appear fanciful or far fetched they are all very possible and nobody can say with any degree of certainty that similar actual transfers haven’t already been conducted within T100 due to the total lack of transparency that there is in such deals.
At present there is nothing within T100 that state that these types of transfers are against its rules and as such they are currently legitimate methods of circumventing both SM game rules and also T100 game world rules.
Legitimate or not they undoubtedly stretch the realms of fair play to the limit and possibly beyond by at best avoiding SM restrictions imposed by transfer bans and transfer limits and at worst bypassing T100 rules, all of which should apply equally to all Managers at all times.
I would propose that if the current poll being conducted, which relates solely to 3rd party ownership, falls on the side of it being banned further discussion and debate on external ownership on the whole be entered into to formulate transfer rules which give managers a degree of flexibility beyond the rigid structure imposed by the SM software but in turn close off current loop holes that have the potential to be exploited.
Besiktas Final Review
As me and the players put together the final touches for our last game against Aston villa on Thursday night.i thought id take a little time out to thank the most important people at this club and thats you the fans. you have been incredible all season and the players appreciated the support through the good times and the bad.
overall no matter what happens against Aston villa this week in our attempts to claim a play off place.i believe this season can be called a successful campaign. the players and myself are determined to do our best to achieve a play off place.no matter what we will come back next season more determined than ever to achieve our ultimate goal of winning a trophy for the fans.
rumours this evening seem to suggest that frank hirst has sent his top lawyer to turkey to deliver a new team coach to besiktas with all the mod cons on board. And free tickets to Italy for all players included. sky sports contacted besiktas for there response to these rumors. besiktas said in a statement.
with rumors of bribes being used to influence our teams performance on Thursday night we feel we must respond to these reports.besiktas have not been bribed by frank or anyone at Genoa..And will never be bribed by anyone but with finances so low at this moment in time we are not in a position to turn down gifts from others and so we thanked frank and the Genoa board for our new coach and wish them well on Thursday.we must stress this was a free gift and not a bribe as people are wrongly assuming.
Match Day 38 Preview
T100 Season 3 – Match Day 38 Preview
Judgement Day !!!
Well it’s been a long old race but Thursday sees us down the final straight and across the finish line, but who will be on the podium and who will fall at the last hurdle? Here’s the final run-in run-down to look at the definites and the maybes going into the last game of the season.
Division 1
Champions – Barcelona
SMFA Cup Qualifiers– Barcelona, Bayern, Real
Juve (64pts) currently in 4th will take the final place unless they lose by 9 goals to 5th place Dortmund (61pts) in their last game of the season clash.
However with Real and Bayern having reached the final of this seasons competition it means an additional qualifier will come from the league so 5th will also be guaranteed a place in next seasons tournament.
SMFA Shield Qualifiers – Juve or Dortmund, Liverpool, Arsenal, Napoli and Lazio.
Porto also qualify by virtue of winning this season T100 Shield, there is no qualifier from this seasons Cup which was won by Real.
As such the final qualifying place via the league is between PSG (51pts) and Chelsea (48pts), a draw being good enough for the French team at Porto whilst the Blues must win at home to Liverpool and hope the Parisians draw a blank.
All is not lost for the team who loses out because as the 5thplace will be promoted to the SMFA Cup this means an additional Shield place will also be available via the league.
It doesn’t stop there though as Chelsea and Valencia who are vying for that additional league qualifying place meet in the final of this seasons Shield and as such both will qualify for next seasons tournament.
Confused? So am I and not 100% I have it right and stand to be corrected.
Relegated – Fiorentina and Leverkusen.
The final two drop spots are between Fenerbahce (35pts), Man Utd (35pts) and Schalke (36pts).
If Schalke win at home to Man City, Fenerbahces result at Real and Man Utds at Napoli will be irrelevant, even if the Germans lose by less than 4 goals and the other two draw they will still survive.
If Schalke lose and both Fenerbahce and Man Utd win then goal difference will decide which of them joins the Germans in the drop with the English club having a 1 goal advantage over the Turks going into Thursdays game.
Division 2
Champions – Spurs or Milan?
The script couldn’t have been written any better with a winner takes all title deciding game to finish off the season, Spurs (73pts) visit Milan (73pts), a draw would be enough to see the Londoners crowned by virtue of goals scored as both clubs not only are level on points but on goal difference too.
Promoted – Spurs, Milan and Monchengladbach
Play-Off Qualifiers- Roma
Shakhtar (58pts) need at least a draw at Lyon as do Ajax (58pts) at home to Everton, Zenit (57pts) need a win away to Newcastle to assure their place.
Sevilla (55pts) must see off the visiting Roma and hope that either Shakhtar or Ajax lose and that they can overcome the 5 goal discrepancy in goal difference or failing that that Zenit get no more than a draw.
Spartak (54pts) must win at home to Benfica and rely on Zenit losing and Sevilla failing to win, they must also turn around a 7 goal disadvantage to Zenit.
Relegated – Sporting, Loko, Basel and Boca.
Division 3
Champions – Villa or Genoa?
Villa (69pts) need at least a point from their trip to Besiktas whilst Genoa (66pts) must rely on Villa losing and taking all 3pts away to Cruzeiro.
Promoted – Villa
Whilst Genoa may have title ambitions they have yet to guarantee promotion, realistically they need a draw at Cuzeiro to do so, that or a defeat for Internacional.
For PSV (65pts) only a win away to Palace will assure their promotion.
Internacional (64pts) need a win away to Galatasaray and for either Genoa to lose or PSV to fail to take all 3pts from their game to pip either of them to an automatic spot
Leicester (62pts) must rely on both PSV and Internacional losing whilst they must win at home to Bordeaux for them to make the last promotion spot.
Play-Off Qualifiers– 2 from Genoa, PSV, Internacional and Leicester.
Southampton (58pts) need at least a draw at Monaco or for Besiktas to fail win for them to book their play-off place, similarly for Marseille (57pts) who visit Stoke, a draw would be enough due to their superior goal difference over Besiktas.
Besiktas (55pts) need to beat Villa and hope that either Southampton or Marseille lose in their games.
Relegated – Bordeaux and St Etienne.
To avoid the drop Hoffenheim (40pts) must beat Athletic Club at home and then rely on both Swansea and Monaco losing.
Swansea (42pts) need a victory at home to Udinese and for Monaco to fail to win for them to assure their survival.
For Monaco (43pts), Stoke (44pts) and Udinese (44pts) wins against Southampton, Marseille and Swansea respectively would guarantee Div 3 football next season whilst draws would be enough if either Swansea or Monaco fail to win.
Division 4
Champions – ???
Villarreal (60pts) need to win away to Stuttgart to guarantee the title or rely on Hamburg (59pts) losing at home to Feyenoord. If the Spaniards lose a draw will not be good enough for the Germans unless the defeat is by 8 goals or more.
Sao Paulo (57pts) have a remote chance and whilst they could draw level on points with Villarreal if the they win at home to Dnipro, Villarreal lose and Hamburg fail to win but they would have to overcome a 7 goal deficit in goal difference.
Promoted – Villarreal
A point for Hamburg assures them of Div 3 football next season whilst Sao Paulo need a win to avoid being caught by one of the chasing pack.
Chievo (56pts) need to win away at Koln and for either Hamburg to lose or Sao Paulo to draw.
West Ham (56pts) need to beat Malaga at home and hope Hamburg lose and bith Sao Paulo and Chievo fail to win their games.
Feyenoord (55pts) have to beat Hamburg, rely on Sao Paulo losing and hope that both Chievo and West Ham fail to win their games.
Stuttgart (55pts) need the same results with the addition of Feyenoord failing to win.
Lille (54pts) have an outside chance if they beat Sassuolo at home, Sao Paulo and West Ham lose and Chievo, Feyenoord and Stuttgart all fail to win, if the Frenchmen win by 3 clear goals they would only need the Hammers to draw.
Play-Off Qualifiers
Hamburg are guaranteed at least a play-off spot whilst the current occupants of the places Chievo, West Ham, Feyenoord and Stuttgart all need to win to assure booking their places.
Lille would sneak in if they win and either Chievo or West Ham lose or Feyenoord or Stuttgart fail to win.
Sampdoria (52pts) need to win at Montpellier and for Feyenoord and Stuttgart to lose and for Lille to fail to win.
Hellas (52pts) have to win at Dynamo and hope for the same results with the addition of Sampdoria also failing to take 3pts.
Relegated – Malaga, Dynamo, Torino
Koln (44pts) are down if they lose their home game with Chievo, they stay up if they win and either Dnipro or AZ fail to win, also if River Plate lose and they can overcome a 5 goal deficit in goal difference that mean they survive.
Dnipro (45pts) travel to Sao Paulo needing in reality to match Kolns result or if the Germans draw they cannot afford to lose by more than 3 goals.
AZ (45pts) at home to Atalanta need to match either the result for either Koln or Dnipro result but would also stay up if they lost and Germans manage only a draw due to their goal difference.
River Plate (46pts) travel to Torino needing to match the result of any one of Koln, Dnipro and AZ.
Whilst Atalanta and Montpellier both on (47pts) could be caught the vastly superior goal differences see them safe.
Division 5
Champions – Olympiacos
Promoted – Kyiv and Liege
Play-Off Qualifiers– Flamengo and Brugge
Celtic (56pts) need either a draw at home to Brugge or for Hertha to fail to win.
Santos (54pts) need a win at home to Zagreb or for Hertha, Rubin Kazan to fail to win. If they draw then neither of the challenges must win.
Hertha (53pts) travel to Bremen needing a win and for Santos to lose or draw. Whilst they can catch Celtic if they lose they need to level the 5 goal deficit in goal difference too.
Rubin Kazan (52pts) at home to Partizan also must win and rely on both Santos losing and Hertha failing to win.
Zagreb (52pts) away at Santos need to win and for both Hertha and Rubin Kazan to fail to take 3pts.
Wooden Spoon - Augsburg
Boca Juniors Manager Issues a Statement
Under siege Boca Juniors Manager Sir Kevin Wallace has spoken to the press this morning in advance of the clubs final Division Two match against Sporting on Thursday night.
With relegation confirmed on Sunday, the club and all its best laid plans lie in tatters and the board have already met to discuss the manager’s future which will probably now hinge on nothing short of a win on Thursday.
Manager Wallace refused to answer direct questions from the media, choosing instead to read a prepared statement:
‘It has been a disaster for this club the past few weeks, I take full responsibility, it was my chosen teams that played, my tactics that went wrong, my plan that has failed to bring improvement to the club. Our season started brightly, we were consistently in the top half of the table for most of the opening weeks and the plan the Board and I settled on to bring only Argentinian born players to the club was finalised as soon as we could achieve it. The pride of being the best is at the heart of Boca, the fans expect nothing less and we have failed them…I have failed them. We didn’t add enough quality to what we had, we let better players leave based on nationality, the Board and I accept the fans mixed emotions at this all and understand their need for both a team driven by pride and also the quality of players to match ambition.
The club has now lost its status in Division Two, but I know pride still burns in the fans, I know that 49,000 will turn up on Thursday night and once again expect, and we must deliver for them and prove that this team whilst set for Division Three is capable of making a return back to this league after only one season down…It will be tough, leagues are very competitive but the fans will demand no less and the players and manager must ensure the fans expectations are met.
I want to be a part of that, I know I can turn this around, but I leave my fate in the hands of the Directors and should they choose another path then I accept that because the club comes first and the past few weeks have just not been good enough for me personally and it must be devastating for those whose lives are consumed by this great club.
All I ask is the fans get behind the team on Thursday night, make noise, make La Bombonera as uncomfortable a venue for our opponents and in return myself and the players will try to get a result fitting of this great establishment…after that the Directors will make their decisions.
It is still a massive honour to be manager of Boca Juniors, the club deserves success, and no matter what the days ahead bring I am certain that success will come.’
Vive la LokoResistance!
Time to earn those Rubles!
The end of the season is upon us, and this must be the worst run of Lokomotiv Moscow manager Ashley Holtom(ovicovicovic)'s entire time on SM. The former SM forum supervisor has had enough and has decided to start work with next season in mind.
Manager Ashley Holtom(ovicovicovic).
Despite only being at Lokomotiv for 18 games, Holtom(ovicovicovic) is wielding the axe and sending a significant amount of players where they belong, an OAP home.
Dmitri Tarasov, Manuel Fernandes, Alan Kasaev & Aleksandr Ryazantsev are the first group to be placed on the transfer list immediately after training this morning, with more to come.
Training this morning.
A new era at Lokomotiv couldn't be more needed, this was summed up perfectly in their last fixture vs FC Basel when Lokomotiv subs were warming up at half time & the crowd went crazy as they thought it was an elderly pitch invader!
Lokomotiv sub Dmitri Tarasov.
"We deserve to go down, this is a terrible run but we will bounce back next season and the hope is to secure some stability in division 3 next season" Holtom(ovicovicovic) said at lunch. "We have some good young players with Aleksey Miranchuk very close to the starting XI, a new captain will also be announced as we look to take some positivity into next season".
"THE LOKOMOTIV ULTRA'S WILL SING AGAIN, VIVE LE LOKORESISTANCE"
Before the season concludes there is the small matter of playing CSKA first...
FrankBet - Managers Odds
With two top jobs coming up next Thursday FrankBet runs the odds on some of the favorites for those jobs...
INTER MILAN
Rahul W 2/1
Josh McMillan 5/1
Libaan Hassan 8/1
feargal Hickey 10/1 (FRANKBET are offering 30/1 on Feargal for NEW CUSTOMERS)
Alex McLean 12/1
FIORENTINA
James Foster 5/2
Hussain Saif 5/2
Greg Bilboa 11/1
paddy d 11/1
BORDEAUX
Pat Roper evens
Reg Robinson evens
Barca Kes evens
RJ Alston evens
SM Top 100 TV (End of Season Special)
After a short sabbatical everyone’s favourite T100 couple are back together for SM Top 100 TV for an End of Season special.
[youtube=www.youtube.com/watch
Milan & Spoons - The battle of Buenos Aires
Buenos Aires is where the fans & managers of the mighty Sao Paulo & the magnificent Milan came together, circumstances beyond their control forcing them to join together & pit their wits against hostile forces in order to survive.
In that molten furnace of conflict a bond was formed, a bond so strong as to be unbreakable, a bond forged from white hot adversity.
This is why you will see both Beddows & Wheels appearing on Pointless together, why fans of the Spoons & Milan wearing half & half scarves & singing each others songs, why an attack on one is an attack on both.
As Spoons manager Wheels shouted, fist aloft before being dragged away by a police snatch squad: 'From this day forth Milan & Spoons, Spoons & Milan shall be as one, we stand together come what may.......'
Division Two - A quite incredible final day
Division Two reaches its climax on Thursday night with the title, sack race and the play offs still to be decided. It has been a quite incredible season…
Massive last day and tonight we will look at the personalities of the managers involved in the big games.
Milan v Tottenham
Beddows has been top since forever and Tottenham and one of Beddows' oldest SM friends ⚡⚡David The Fox Piero⚡⚡ face off in Milan for the title - Tottenham are now top on goals scored meaning Milan must win to claim the title. ⚡⚡David The Fox Piero⚡⚡ was the man who sold Beddows Pogba and Sterling for RVP back in the day in EC2, a deal that caused more uproar than when Scott Mckenzie and James Mckenzie apparently threw a game against each other.
Whatever happens two old friends facing off for the title is sure to cause controversy, will Piero let Beddows win the league? :)
Boca Juniors v Sporting
The former Inter manager, Dr Fox has been a complete disaster at Sporting and he must win in Argentina to save his job. Boca meanwhile will potentially lose their job if they lose to Sporting. It is a must win game for both managers. Will Kevin Wallace and his Argentine braves win through? The Italian press (or the AC Milan press) certainly hope so but only time will tell.
FC Basel v VFL Wolfsburg
jamie alldridge has performed miracles at Basel - weeks ago he was as dead as a dodo but yet come week 38 he is still fighting extinction like Donald Trump still holds hope that women will actually vote for him. Can jamie alldridge win against Wolfsburg who ironically are managed by former Lokomotiv (in massive trouble) manager Greg Owen. Will Greg save his successors job or allow jamie alldridge to keep his own?
Basel won their last game in the 89th minute against Lokomotiv ironically, from Konoplyana to put them with the chance to save their own lives on matchday 38 - can Falcao save the day? Or will Wolfsurg and their New Zealander Wolfsburg manager call a Colombian style flag referendum to save Loko managers job.
CSKA Moscow v Lokomotiv Moscow
A Russian derby that could see Mr Daniel Innes relegate his rival - will the Muscovite’s help their fellow citizens?
Newcastle Utd v Zenit
In the fight for the play-offs the new Newcastle manager Norman Little or Little Norman as he has become known with the fans singing “you’re not a fat Spanish waiter” to him at home games has the chance to give Sevilla and potentially Spartak a chance to make the play-offs - however Zenit and Libaan are looking strong for an awat match against Roma on Friday night.
Sevilla v AS Roma
Sevilla are the side most likely to capitalise on a Zenit slip up against Newcastle with 3 points giving them a shot at the play-offs and potentially a chance to get back to Division 1 at the first attempt.
Parfitt Speaks
Gav Hamer. Gav Bloody Hamer. Coming here, thinking he’s king of the hill. Apparently he’s one of the nice guys. Well he wasn’t so nice tonight. Threatening me, telling me he was going to have to put his dog down. Apparently he’s already paid the squad this week’s win bonus from his own pocket. Said Frank had promised him three points. Apparently, because of that, he now can’t afford to feed his pooch, so lethal injection is what’s happening.
Reminds me of this time I went round to Broon’s house. We were sat there watching a bit of Ben and Holly whilst discussing our aims for the season. He was getting stuck into a Yorkie, one of them ones with nuts in because he’s a real man’s man. I’m not into all of that shit though, so I was just freebasing some crack.
Anyway, this demonic thing comes charging into the living room like Lewis Hamilton chasing a bit of skirt. It looks like the result of Yoshi and Pickachu’s ill-advised night of passion, but Broon assured me it was his new collie pup.
Anyway, this Collie, or Yoshachu or whatever it is, it starts mounting my leg. Well if Broon was a competent pet owner, he’d have called the hell spawn off straight off. Instead, he’s laughing like a hyena at a Lee Evans show. There’s nuts and sharp edges of Yorkie firing out of his mouth like bullets from a bloody tommy gun. I’m trying to dodge the crumbs, but I ended up taking a few shots in the ear, and all the while this vision of hell is nailing my leg like a Roman nailing Jesus on a cross. Well in the end Broon calls his missus in to catch the devil dog thing.
She’s pretty hot to be fair. Well if you can overlook the hairy chest and the adams apple. Looks a lot like Gordon Kinnear at Liverpool, but marks out of two, I’d give her one. I said as much to Broon, and because his Hell hound had already had a go on me, he said I could spend some alone time with her. She was only interested in the Greek method though, and I’ll tell you something else as well. She didn’t just look like Kinnear, she sounded like him too.
It was fun while it lasted, but I don’t think I’d go back. Like I say, fit enough, but in a 10 pints of lager way, rather than in a Scarlett Johansen way.
Well anyway, Broon comes in just as things are coming to a close. He gave me an invitation to a fancy dress party he was holding the following week.
I realised I had dyslexia when I turned up the following week. I was the only one dressed as a goat at his toga party. That was the last time I ever went round his house. Broon, what a complete shirt button.
Match Day 37 Preview
With just two games to go until the curtains come down on a thrilling season here’s the penultimate run down on those likely to be getting a standing ovation and those rapidly exiting stage left.
Division 1
Thursdays victory in the “clash of the titans’ saw Barca come out on top in their game with Bayern, taking all 3pts and with it the title for the 2nd season in a row.
In the race for the SMFA Cup places a defeat for Dortmund (61pts) would see Real (64pts) book their spot with a draw and Juve (63pts) do likewise with a victory, both would also qualify if the Germans draw and they both win.
Liverpools hopes are now slim and would vanish if they fail to win their game against Juve.
Dortmund are assured of at least SMFA Shield football next season, as too are Liverpool (57pts), Lazio (53pts) need only a draw on Sunday whilst PSG (51pts) need a win to confirm their place, wins too for Arsenal (50pts) and Napoli (50pts) could be enough if Valencia (47pts)lose.
The final qualifications for these two competitions won’t however be finalised until the outcomes of this season comps are known with additional places likely to be allocated.
The battle to avoid joining Fiorentina and Leverkusen in the drop intensified with Man Utd picking up a valuable win and leap frogging Fenerbahce courtesy of goal difference.
With a goal difference of 3 being all that separates Fenerbahce, Man Utd and Schalke who all have 35pts none can be confirmed as relegated on Sunday.
Atletico sit above these three with 36pts then come Man City on 37pts who finally escaped the bottom four after their win on Thursday.
Victories for these two combined with defeat for any two of that trio of clubs on 35pts will see them safe.
The key games at the top look to be Liverpool-Juventus and Dortmund-Napoli, whilst every game involving the bottom 7 are critical.
Week 37 Fixtures
Real v Lazio
Fenerbahce v Chelsea
Liverpool v Juventus
Dortmund v Napoli
Man Utd v Arsenal
Fiorentina v Schalke
Man City v Leverkusen
Bayern v Porto
PSG v Barcelona
Atletico v Valencia
Division 2
Both Milan and Spurs confirmed promotion back to Div 1 on Thursday, each have 70pts and are separated by 2 goals difference so neither will be crowned Champions this Sunday.
Monchengladbach (67pts) are still in the frame for the title but need a defeat for from both Milan and Spurs in the final 2 games whilst they need two victories.
Roma (61pts) hopes of automatic all but died with that draw with Milan on Thursday, they are however guaranteed a play-off spot.
A win for Ajax (58pts) or defeat for Sevilla will see the Dutch side book their place too, Zenit (56pts) could also join them if they beat Sevilla and Spartak fail to win.
Shaktar (55pts) need a win and for Sevilla and Spartak to lose for them to join the play-off party. For Sevilla (54pts) and Shakthar (55pts), Newcastle (51pts) wins are essential for them to stay in the hunt come the final day.
With Basel and Sporting already gone the two other clubs joining them could be decided this Sunday.
Loko (34pts) in truth are already there due to goal difference whilst Boca (35pts) have a very slim chance of avoiding the drop.
Lyon (40pts) need a win from their remaining games to assure their survival whilst a point would see Loko confirmed as relegated and all but send down Boca on goal difference.
Boca (41pts) need 1pt to confirm their Div 2 status for next season.
Key games at the top which effect both teams involved are those at Monchengladbach, Zenit and Roma whilst down at the bottom every game involving the relegation candidates is now crucial.
Week 37 Fixtures
Lyon v Milan
Shakhtar v Boca
Sporting v Spartak
Benfica v Ajax
Everton v CSKA
Loko v Basel
Wolfsburg v Inter
M’gladbach v Newcastle
Zenit v Sevilla
Roma v Spurs
Division 3
Villa (68pts) missed out confirming their promotion on Thursday with a defeat to form side Monaco, a draw on Sunday against Palace will see them over the line, the title could be theirs too with that result if both Genoa and Internacional who are both on 63pts fail to win.
A win for Genoa at home to Leicester will see them promoted if PSV lose at home to Monaco, that would also be good enough to see Internacional go up too if they beat Swansea at home.
Leicester (62pts) would go above Genoa with victory in their clash as would PSV (62pts) if they also win. Wins or draws for these two would ensure the promotion race is taken all the way to wire.
Southampton (55pts) head a posse of clubs trying to take the last two available play-off places, Marseille (54pts), Besiktas (54pts), Cruseiro (53pts), Athletic Club (51pts) and Sunderland (49pts).
The Saints could book their place with a win over Sunderland if other results go their way but it is likely that the play-off spots won’t be finalised until the last game of the season.
At the foot of the table the battle to avoid joining Bordeaux and St Etienne in Div 4 next season is still raging.
Hoffenheim (37pts) look favourites to go down and defeat at Galatasaray would confirm it.
Above them Stoke, Swansea and Udinese all on 21pts are separated by goal difference which may be crucial come the last day.
Monaco (43pts) after a massive run of form are still not out of danger whilst Palace (45pts) too are still looking over their shoulder.
Galatasaray (47pts) could theoretically be caught on points but goal difference make them assured of survival.
The game of the day at the top has to be Genoa-Leicester whilst other stand out fixtures effecting both ends of the table include Internacional-Swansea and PSV-Monaco, Stokes trip to St Etienne is the pick of the clashes at the bottom.
Week 37 Fixtures
Galatasaray v Hoffenheim
Internacional v Swansea
Udinese v Cruzeiro
Genoa v Leicester
Bordeaux v Besiktas
Villa v Palace
PSV v Monaco
Southampton v Sunderland
St Etienne v Stoke
Marseille v Athletic Club
Division 4
Villarreal (60pts) continue to stutter towards promotion with four draws on the bounce, however another similar result on Sunday would be enough to see them over the line and victory would see them take the title.
Sao Paulo too have had a run of bad form and are joined on 56pts by Hamburg, both would need to win and see all four clubs in the play-off places lose for them to gain promotion this weekend.
Whilst both are undoubtedly focussed on gaining automatic promotion neither are yet assured a play-off place and however a win this Sunday would at least book their places.
Feyenoord and Stuttgart follow closely on 54pts with Chievo and West Ham completing the current clubs in the play-off places both on 53pts, all are poised to take advantage of any slips by the clubs above them.
All of these clubs could confirm at least a play-off spot with a win and defeats for Sampdoria and Lille.
Sampdoria (52pts), Lille (51pts), Hellas (49pts) and Sassuolo (49pts) all have a chance of making the play-off mix up but will be relying on those above them to falter.
In the basement battle to avoid joining Malaga in Div 5 next season both Torino and Dynamo currently on 40pts could be relegated with defeat on Sunday, AZ too could face the drop if they fail to beat Sampdoria and Koln are victorious at West Ham.
Koln (44pts), Dnipro (45pts) and River Plate (45pts) could all be dragged into the bottom four if they lose and AZ win, however defeat for AZ and a victory for Koln would see them safe whilst Dnipro and River Plate would need just a draw.
Atalanta (46pts) and Montpellier (46pts) need a win on Sunday to confirm their Div 4 status next season or defeat for AZ.
Pick of the games at the top must be Villarreal-Hamburg whilst at the bottom all eyes will be on AZ’s trip to Sampdoria, Chievo’s trip to Dynamo and Feyenoord-Torino too will have a big say at both ends of the table.
Week 37 Fixtures
West Ham v Koln
Malaga v Stuttgart
Villarreal v Hamburg
Feyenoord v Torino
River Plate v Montpellier
Sampdoria v AZ
Atalanta v Sao Paulo
Dnipro v Lille
Sassuolo v Hellas
Dynamo v Chievo
Division 5
Kyiv (72pts) displaced Olympiacos (71pts) at the head of the table and having already guaranteed promotion these two face off this Sunday, victory for Kyiv will see them crowned Champions.
Liege (59pts) currently sit in the final automatic promotion spot, victory against West Brom and defeat for Brugge at home to Santos would see them confirm promotion.
Brugge (57pts) need a win on Sunday to maintain their promotion chances whilst Celtic (55pts) would see their hopes dashed with defeat at home to Twente or a win for Liege, likewise for Flamengo (53pts) who host Celta Vigo and Hertha (53pts) who host Rubin Kazan.
Brugge need a point to assure their play-off place whilst Celtic would book theirs with a win. If both Santos and Zagreb lose a draw for Flamengo would be enough to see them confirm their place whilst Hertha would need to win to join them.
Santos (51pts), Zagreb (51pts) and Celta Vigo (50pts) will be looking to benefit from any slip ups from those above them whilst Rubin Kazan (49pts), Bremen (48pts) and Espanyol (48pts) have an outside chance of still making the play-offs.
At the foot of the table Augsburg are assured the wooden spoon for the second season in a row.
Pick of the games this Sunday has to be Olympiacos-Kyiv whilst the matches at Celtic, Brugge, Hertha, Flamengo and Liege will shape the promotion picture for the final game of the season.
Week 37 Fixtures
Celtic v Twente
Brugge v Santos
Zagreb v Independiente
Augsburg v Anderlecht
Olympiacos v Kyiv
Levante v Bremen
Hertha v Rubin Kazan
Partizan v Espanyol
Flamengo v Celta Vigo
Liege v West Brom
From Russia Without Love
Unbelievable, absolutely unreal. You come all the way to Russia. It’s freezing. So cold that Mbokania and Damaio thought Olaf from Frozen was playing for them tonight. To make things worse, we get into the dressing room and Putin, or one of his Russian mafia goons has nailed a bucket of raw plutonium to the wall. My boys put in a right shift tonight, but that sort of cheating is commonplace whenever we play now.
I can’t believe we’ve lost Rubin Kazan tonight. How do you even pronounce that? Is it Rub in like when Lana gets herself all oiled up for me? Or is it like those bins they have in Australia? Lana told me about them. She saw them when she was touring over there. She said they have your standard black bin, your recycling bin, and the road kill bin. Apparently they get lots of dead kangaroos in Australia, so they have a roo bin. And Kazan, what’s that? Sounds like something Paul Daniels would have said if he managed to pull a rabbit out of his hat. Stupid name for a club if you ask me.
Reminds me of a time I was around Lee Reynolds house actually. He was getting stuck into a corned beef sandwich and asked if I wanted one. I wasn’t too fussed, but I had one to save myself a few quid buying dinner at the curry house later on. This little fittie in some sexy lingerie comes in with a tray of sandwiches. Lee called her Malcolm Dinosaur or something. Looked hot though, especially in those thigh high boots. Anyway, I topped the corned beef up with a bit of crystal meth, and we got on to the subject of Roo Bin Abracadabra Alla Kazan.
Reynolds, bless his little cotton’s was saying about how he thought Antonio Alves, or Ant as Lee calls him, is doing a great job there. Tried telling me that the AA man was doing a better job than me. I wasn’t having that, so I got straight on the blower to Alves and had words.
Told him look here son, Reynolds says you’re better than me, but I won’t accept it. There isn’t anybody better than me. You go around living off the fact that you have that fella Belushi from the Blues Brothers on the books, and you think that makes you Billy Golden Balls. Well I’ve got news for you sunshine, there aint nobody with balls more golden than mine.
I’ll tell you something else as well. You’ve got half the Portuguese youth’s known to man in that squad Antonio, and I reckon I’d have Kangaroo Bin Magic Hat United somewhere in the shake up with that squad.
I’m not saying I’d win the league with what he’s got, but we’d be involved at the business end and winning a few pots. Certainly enough trophies for Lana to have a few to keep her Begonia’s on the windowsill in. It’s not the only place I like to see her bush mind, it looks lovely when she puts it on display in the garden. A proper highlight, the neighbours are always talking about it.
Honestly though Reynolds, telling me the AA man is the best manager in the league? He’s not even the best manager of a club with a stupid name.
Tell you something else as well. Reynolds started using all these words I didn’t understand. I told him as much and he tells me to get a Thesaurus on the way home. Look here Reynolds I said, I know you call your home help Malcolm Dinosaur, but don’t you know dinosaurs are extinct? Where do you think I’ll get one? Do they keep the rabbits next to the stegosaurus in Pets at Home? Reynods, what an absolute cotton bud you really are.....
Anyway, at the end of the night I was a bit peckish, I’d only had that corned beef sandwich. I got a Chinese ordered on the way home for me and Lana while we chilled out. The fella dropped it off. Should have been £29.75, but because I’m a good soul I gave him £30. He tried to give me the change, but like the leper said to the prostitute, I told him to keep the tip.
Match Day 36 Preview
Limited for time for this MD 36 preview so going to be looking at what could be decided for certain this Thursday, other than Ballotelli being injured or kidnapped by Lizard people.
Division 1
Barca will be crowned Champions if beat Bayern in their head to head fixture.
Real will confirm the Champions Cup place if they win and Dortmund fail to. Barca and Bayern already assured their places.
Dortmund and Liverpool are assured a place in the Shield next season along with T100 Shield winners Porto, PSG will join them with a win at Valencia whilst Arsenal, Lazio and Napoli could all join them if PSG win and Chelsea lose or draw against Real.
At the bottom Leverkusen joined Fiorentina as confirmed casualties and these two meet this Thursday in a battle to avoid the wooden spoon.
Nobody can will be confirmed as joining them after Thursdays fixtures.
Key fixture at the top is Barca v Bayern whilst at the bottom Schalke v Man Utd will go a long way to putting flesh on the relegation bones.
Chelsea v Real Madrid
Juventus v Fenerbahce
Napoli v Liverpool
Arsenal v Dortmund
Schalke v Man Utd
Leverkusen v Fiorentina
Porto v Man City
Barcelona v Bayern
Valencia v PSG
Lazio v Atletico
Division 2
Milan need a single point at home to Roma to confirm their promotion, whilst a win for Spurs will guarantee Div 1 football regardless of the result in Milan.
Along with Milan and Spurs, Monchengladbach are guaranteed at least a play-off place and Roma could book that ticket too if they chalk up a point and either Shakhtar or Sevilla fail to do likewise.
At the bottom Basel will be confirmed as relegated if they fail to win or both CSKA and Lyon win, a draw for these two would realistically do the trick due to Basels vastly inferior goal difference.
Wins for both CSKA and Lyon would also relegate Sporting regardless of their result, it would effectively also send down Loko even if they won due to goal difference, Boca would live to fight another day if they won.
Key fixtures at the top are Milan v Roma, Spurs v Zenit and Sevilla v Monchengladbach whilst at the basement Boca v Lyon and Cska v Benfica will be the ones to watch.
Boca v Lyon
Spartak v Shakhtar
Ajax v Sporting
CSKA v Benfica
Basel v Everton
Inter v Loko
Newcastle v Wolfsburg
Sevilla v Monchengladbach
Spurs v Zenit
Milan v Roma
Division 3
Victory on Thursday would see Villa promoted whilst even a draw would be good enough if any 2 of Leicester, Internacional or PSV fail to win.
The title would be Villas if they win and Genoa fail to take all 3pts in their fixture.
Genoa and Leicester are assured at least a play-off place and a point for Internacional will make sure they join them, victory for PSV will assure their place too.
At the foot of the table nobody can be confirmed as joining Bordeaux and St Etienne in Div 4 this Thursday.
Pick of the fixtures will have to be Monaco v Villa for its effect at both ends of the table, otherwise at the top Leicester v Udinese and Besiktas v Genoa will be critical. At the bottom Hoffenheims trip to Marseille is crucial.
Swansea v Galatasaray
Cruzeiro v Internacional
Leicester v Udinese
Besiktas v Genoa
Palace v Bordeaux
Monaco v Villa
Sunderland v PSV
Stoke v Southampton
Athletic Club v St Etienne
Hoffenheim v Marseille
At the top Villarreal could be promoted if they win and two from Hamburg, Feyenoord and West Ham fail to.
They could claim the title with a win and defeat for Sao Paulo and if Hamburg, Feyenoord and West Ham all fail to win.
The Yellow Submarine are assured at least a play–off spot and Sao Paulo are the only others that could guarantee that if they win and two from Stuttgart, Chievo and Lille lose.
At the foot Malagas relegation is confirmed, Dynamo Moscow could join them if they lose on Thursday, defeats for Torino and AZ would also see them on the brink of the drop.
Pick of the fixtures see Villareals trip to Torino having implications at both ends whilst Sao Paulo v Sampdoria and Stuttgart v West Ham will have a big impact on the promotion and play-off shake up. At the bottom Koln v Dynamo Moscow will be critical as will AZ v River Plate.
Stuttgart v West Ham
Hamburg v Malaga
Torino v Villarreal
Montpellier v Feyenoord
AZ v River Plate
Sao Paulo v Sampdoria
Lille v Atalanta
Hellas v Dnipro
Chievo v Sassuolo
Koln v Dynamo Moscow
Division 5
Both Olympiacos and Kyiv confirmed their promotion to Div 4 on Sunday, Liege could do the same on Thursday if they win and Flamengo, Celtic and Brugge all fail to do similarly.
Liege are all but assured a play-off place but it is unlikely anyone else will have the same comfort after Thursdays games.
At the base a win for West Brom and defeat for Augsburg will confirm the Germans as the wooden spoon winners again this season.
Games to watch have to be Kyiv v Augsburg, West Brom v Flamengo and Santos v Celtic.
Match Day 36 Fixtures
Santos v Celtic
Independiente v Brugge
Anderlecht v Zagreb
Kyiv v Augsburg
Bremen v Olympiacos
Rubin Kazan v Levante
Espanyol v Hertha
Celta Vigo v Partizan
West Brom v Flamengo
Twente v Liege
Levante - Parfitt Speaks Out..... Again....
After the game, managers traditionally have a glass of wine and shoot the shit, but not last night. Instead, Parfitt launched into another of his verbal tirades.
When talking about the defeat, Parfitt said “Doug Earle, Earl of where? Earl of Espanyol? Earl of Berkshire? Earl of twatshire? It’s a title that is undeserved, and handed over by the Elders of Top 100 in an attempt to win his services and make sure that his steroid filled animals could beat the only side in the league who play by the rules.
How are we supposed to compete against doping, bungs, and now titles being handed out. Now PMW, I know we had our issues, but at least he is a proper royal. He was born a Prince, and he'll die a Prince. Well unless he outlives me to become a King, but I know people who can ensure he doesn’t out live me.
Young Doug however, going around and insisting people refer to him as an Earl simply because Frank has decreed he should be is a disgrace. Ive seen more worthy Earls in my local after 8 pints of McEwans. Earl my arse.
You know what, I could have been a Viscount, but I didn’t want it. Basically I went around to Beddows house for tea, as he wanted to have a discussion that might “help us move up the league”
Well things started out crackin’. He had the best bottle of Italian red i’ve ever tasted, and it was going down a treat. Then his maid started bringing out tea. I say maid, but I’m fairly confident it was Gursimran Brar from Bayern in a dress. She, he, whatever, started bringing out the roast potatoes, so I took one and ate it. I was offered a second, but declined it. Beddows said not to be polite, so I simply told him that it tasted like horse turd and that I had seen local vagrants getting more appetising looking food from the bins in parks.
After that, I was ushered out unceremoniously by some mob looking goons that patrol Beddows Acres. I never went back, I never became a Viscount, and we ended up at the bottom of div 5. Well not quite bottom because Augsburg also play by the rules, but we’re better than them so they don’t matter.
After his attack, another journalist pointed out that Earle was in fact Doug’s name, and not a distinguished title.
What do you mean it’s his name? He's not an Earl at all? What Frank was thinking of by giving a wetwipe like him an Earlhood in the first place I'll never know. WTF......
Leverkusen are crowned Youth Cup Champions in Madrid
Bayer Leverkusen managed to pull off the unthinkable on Saturday night and win the Youth Cup in Madrid against a very good XI. With Bayer taking a narrow 1-0 advantage to the Bernebau courtesy
Madrid dictated all the possession as expected as we looked to keep it tight at the back, Both sides had chances to win the game but neither could find the back of the net and in the end the game finished 0-0 with Madrid's Goalkeeper Moreira named MOTM but that result had meant Leverkusen had done the unthinkable and kept Madrid out both legs.
Overall we had a great season in the Youth Cup with special mentions for Jedvaj and Brandt, But the signings of Dongou and Sanabria pushed us over the line.
Brandt named Leverkusen player of Youth Cup
So now we will take a look back at Leverkusens road to glory and it didn't start as we had planned...
Firstly we lost 2-0 at home to Cruzeiro and then followed this result up with a boring 0-0 draw against Monchengladbach.
The club suddenly were in real trouble and we were being asked whether Calhanoglu's exclusion from this seasons youth cup was to blame for our troubled start, Something then clicked from this game onwards...
We were beaten 2-0 by a over-aged Augsberg team and was handed a 3-0 win and our first 3 points.
Leverkusen then went on to record 3 straight victories with 2-0 wins over Tottenham and Cruzeiro and a 2-1 win over Monchengladbach.
We were then beaten 1-0 by a over-aged Augsberg team and was handed a 3-0 win again.
We finished off the group stage with another 2-0 win over Tottenham.
We had gone from being on our knees in real trouble to topping the group with a massive 19 points.
Aston Villa was the first team up in the knockouts and we pulled off a 3-0 win, then we faced a resolute Sampdoria side who held us to a 2-2 draw and only mythical extra time saw us through.
In the Quarter Finals we faced a strong Atletico Madrid side but we were the better side on the day and won 3-1.
Semi Finals were next and we faced surprise package Anderlecht who had done remarkably well to reach the last 4, we won both games though 2-0 and 3-1 to progress to the final........
Then as above a 1-0 win in the first leg was the difference with a 0-0 return leg meaning we beat Real Madrid 1-0 on agg to lift the trophy.
Celebrations erupt on the Madrid pitch
The Leverkusen board were delighted with the silverware in a strange season which also saw them relegated from Division 1 last night, But the Cup win should be enough to keep Noisy in the job and give him the chance to lead Leverkusen back to Division 1, he has the experience having already done it with Fenerbahce so the board are hoping he can pull it off again.
Outside The Box #7 - A Tom Parfitt Special
Tom Parfitt held a press conference to explain the latest methods he will deploy to avoid the conspiracy he is convinced besets him and his Levante side.
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He then gave journalists a brief tour of newly decorated office.
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Before leaving at high speed in his modified club vehicle for the training ground.
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Tom appeared distraught when the new training balls he had ordered turned out not to be the regulation Size 5.
