Round Wheels house

Linder said it was only a friendly, so it doesn’t really matter. The fact is, it does matter, and we showed that bunch of cocksure cocky cockneys how to get the job done. Beating Palace 2 – 0, easy as pie. I’ve had more strenuous evenings at home reading my book. Friendlies don’t matter my arse.

Speaking of friendlies, it reminds me of this time I was around Nick Wheels house. I was in South America on business, meeting some associates of mine in Bogota. At the time, I was looking to get into acting, and I’d been offered a role in Trainspotting. They wanted me to play Begbie.

Well you know how it is, you get asked to play a role, you need to get into character. I was told what the film was about and threw myself in at the deep end. So that’s what I was doing. I had some of my kit, but nothing to cook any skag in. Where better for some help then, than the home of the Worlds biggest spoon collection.

I popped around to Wheels museum and house of fun, and cracked on. I’ll be honest, he was a little surprised to see me there, especially with the fella’s I’d got my gear from. He also said he’d have preferred if we had called ahead, or at the very least knocked on the door and waited for him to answer rather than entering with a scousers door key through the kitchen window.

Anyhow, me and my new buds were settling in and having a great time. And to be fair to old Wheelsey, he’s a cracking host. He didn’t want to get involved with the brown, said it’s not really his bag though. Some people like fine wine, some like aged Scotch. Some people like Havana cigars, others like skag. Mr Wheels though, he’s proper hardcore. He’s into sausage rolls. Not your basic common or garden ones though, oh no. He has cheese topped ones. He doesn’t just settle for a cheese topped sausage though. He gets stuck in with some condiment action as well. He covers them in brown sauce. I shit you not. HP all over the place. The sausage roll was wearing arm bands to make sure it didn’t drown in the stuff.

Of course he eats like a bleedin’ St Bernard too. Crumbs shooting here, there and everywhere. A couple of the lads I was with ended up shooting HP rather than their own brown as well. They were going feckin’ mental. Honestly, people were being clubbed around the back of the head, and skulls caved in. Possibly the most horrendous scene I’ve witnessed since I walked in on Nuno and Balboa with a rabbit, a blow up doll with Beddows face on it and a family sized jar of lube. What a sight that was, even DP and Frank would have been ashamed to have been caught in that little predicament.

Wheels himself was getting properly involved as well. He had shaped is sausage roll into a meaty pastry weapon and was slashing like Freddie Kruger on speed. The man was like a savage animal. Honestly, he was going more mental than a scene from Game of Thrones.

Anyhow, I didn’t get the role in Trainspotting in the end. I was that close that we even had the film posters produced, but at the last minute Irvine Welsh decided like a dick that he wanted a “proper actor” to play the role.

But I’ll tell you one more thing before I go, Nick Wheels is a mad keen collector of all sorts of stuff. Apart from spoons, he collects milk bottles, old Coco Pop’s boxes, Scalextric cars and Russian Dolls. Me though, I hate Russian Dolls. They’re so full of themselves.