Levante boss Tom Parfitt, and his beau Lana Del Rey have left sunny Spain to spend the off season in their luxurious love nest in the exotic surroundings of Merthyr Tydfil.
Whilst locked away with Lana, Parfitt learned of this season’s player and manager of the year nominations.
In typical style, Parfitt has given his thoughts on each and every nomination, and offered his own manager and team of the year candidates.
Firstly, the outspoken Levante boss took the opportunity to vent at the Top 100 hierarchy once again.
“This list is without question the most one sided, rigged poll I have ever seen. I’d even fancy Beddows old mate Putin to have a more fair minded ballot that this monstrosity. The US election when Bush won because he put some dimples on the ballot papers? Even that poll was fairer than this. It’s got the dirty paw prints of Frank, Beddows, and DP all over. It smells of corruption like a tramp smells of piss. I for one won’t be voting, and I’d urge every other manager unconnected with the people in authority no to also.
The players on this list aren’t even the best player in their own home. And the ones who have been left out is just criminal. I’ll tell you what, let’s have a look at some of them in a bit more detail shall we?
Div 1 POTY David ALABA (Barcelona) 37 games, 11 goals, 9 assists, 1MOM, 8 TOTW He’s reasonable, but being one of Austria’s best players is basically a case of being the tallest dwarf is it not?
Gary CAHILL (Schalke) 38 games, 6 goals, 1 assist, 2 MOM, 6 TOTW Don’t really need to comment do I? Gary Cahill. Just a joke.
Benedikt HÖWEDES (Dortmund) 37 games, 4 goals, 2 assists, 6 TOTW. Two assists and he’s in the player of the year nominations. My captain, Ivan Ramis had a similar record, and where is he?
Vincent KOMPANY (Bayern) 29 games, 8 goals, 9 TOTW. Honestly? I’d rather spend time in my own company
Robert LEWANDOWSKI (Chelsea) 36 games, 24 goals, 9 assists, 16 MOM, 8 TOTW. Clearly only nominated for money making purposes. How much does his name cost to put on the back of a shirt? Enough for them three shysters to cream off plenty for their own back burner I bet.
Claudio MARCHISIO (Juventus) 34 games, 6 goals, 4 assists, 6 MOM, 7 TOTW Of course he scored a hatful. DP would have had his family taken out if he hadn’t.
Lionel MESSI (Barcelona) 36 games, 31 goals, 16 assists, 26 MOM, 21 TOTW Well well, surprise surprise. All that tax evasion questioning, I heard most of the cash was “resting” in DP’s NatWest Saver account.
Luka MODRIĆ (Dortmund) 35 games, 9 goals, 8 assists, 8 MOM, 6 TOTW Well, he’s done ok. As well as can be expected given that Reynolds is his boss. I guess 5/10 and the only one close to deserving a nomination from this batch
Thomas MÜLLER (Real Madrid) 33 games, 28 goals, 7 assists, 13 MOM, 7 TOTWMuller Rice huh? Good at corners and all that? I wouldn’t pick his nose, let alone pick him for my team.
Sergio RAMOS (Real Madrid) 31 games, 1 goal, 2 assists, 7 TOTW FFS, Keano gets Ramos on the list and then receives a tasty little back hander. That’s how this goes down.
Cristiano RONALDO (Bayern) 34 games, 23 goals, 16 assists, 16 MOM, 17 TOTW Yep, big G at Bayern is in on the scam as well. I call him Big G because that’s what he’s known as in Colombia.
Luis SUÁREZ (Bayern) 27 games, 20 goals, 9 assists, 11 MOM, 12 TOTW And the vampire gets in on the list as well. Anybody who’s more at home on the set of Salems Lot than a football field should be banned from these awards. Clearly a little bung in Beddows direction helped this one slip the net
Div 1YPOTY Kingsley COMAN (Juventus) 31 games, 2 goals, 5 assists, 1 MOM, 1 TOTW More Juventus players. Honestly, I cant be bothered with this sham. Lets pick out a couple more and see what we think.
Anthony MARTIAL (Man United) 28 games, 7 goals, 5 assists, 2 MOM, 1 TOTW Anthony Martial. Utd were gash this season. How any of their players can be picked, least of all Mr Martial. I heard he went around Rahul’s house and gave him a Bruce Lee style roundhouse kick in the solar plexus.
Raheem STERLING (Arsenal) 22 games, 5 goals, 4 assists. He’s got more kids than goals. Waste of space.
Jonathan TAH (Juventus) 10 games, 1 goal, 1 TOTW Jonathan Tah of Juventus. Or Bayern Munich. Or Ac Milan. Or Genoa. Or whoever else wants him this week. Absolutely disgusting with the way this fella has been farmed out like a piece of meat. And what was done to the managers involved? I’ll tell you what happened, they went around Franky boys house for a wine, cheese, champagne, coke and hookers night.
D2POTY Player of the Season Nominations
Mario BALOTELLI (Milan) 35 games, 31 goals, 10 assists, 19 MOM, 12 TOTW You know what, I can’t even be bothered to look at the rest of division two. If Beddows chief love interest is nominated, you just know that the rest of them will be about as useful as a pork pie on Yon Kippur
In fact, I’m so angry I can’t even be arsed to look at division 3 and 4. I’m going to cut straight to the chase check out what’s what in division 5, the home of real football
Div 5 POTY & YPOTY Nominations
Player of the Season Nominations Ricky ÁLVAREZ (Espanyol) 37 games, 7 goals, 3 assists, 7 MOM, 7 TOTW Espanyol underachieved massively. As a result, any of their players being nominated smacks of Doug getting jiggy with DP and Frank.
Wissam BEN YEDDER (Hertha BSC) 35 games, 15 goals, 7 assists, 9 MOM, 6 TOTW 15 in 35? That’s all you need to get a nomination? I once bagged to girls in one night, surely that should get me not just nominated, but knighted using the rationale of those who accepted this nomination. Next….
Denys GARMASH (Dynamo Kiev) 32 games, 10 goals, 7 assists, 4 MOM, 6 TOTW Yep, Kiev were a shambles when we played them. Therefore, this nomination is in-valid
Klaas-Jan HUNTELAAR (Olympiacos) 33 games, 12 goals, 8 assists, 8 MOM, 7 TOTW To be fair, if a player of his stature was playing at the lever he should be, he wouldn’t be close. Had to step down a long old way to get himself a medal. S
Sven KUMS (Club Brugge) 31 games, 5 goals, 7 assists, 8 MOM, 8 TOTW. Sven Kums all right. All over Davy is what I heard.
Nivaldo JARDEL (Flamengo) 36 games, 3 goals, 2 assists, 1 MOM, 9 TOTW. The Flamengo king. Good at a bit of latin dancing doesn’t a footballer make.
Xabi PRIETO (Olympiacos) 35 games, 7 goals, 11 assists, 3 MOM, 10 TOTW. Another of the Olympiacos old boys who couldnt hack it. Stepped down, didn’t try very hard, got a nomination
Araújo RAFFAEL (Standard Liege) 14 games, 7 goals, 5 assists, 8 MOM, 6 TOTW Only played 14 games and he’s on the list. FFS, what kind of rules are there for this? Well aside from how big is the brown envelope you can hand over that is….
Young Player of the Season Nominations
Abdul Rahman BABA (Celta Vigo) 28 games, 3 goals, 6 assists, 2 MOM, 4 TOTW Vigo manager in the job for obvious reasons, Vigo player nominated for obvious reasons.
Anwar EL GHAZI (Espanyol/Werder Bremen) 14 games, 2 goals, 3 assists, 1 MOM, 2 TOTW Not good enough to play for his own club. Comes to a couple of clubs on loan like a mercenary, puts in a couple of reasonable minutes, gets on the list. Shocking scenes, and poor show from the clubs that loaned him in the first place.
Björn ENGELS (Club Brugge) 35 games, 2 assists, 1 TOTW Isn’t he the fella from Abba? Far too old to be on this list, and once again symptomatic of the issues the few of us who don’t assume the position are up against.
Gabriel JESUS (Santos) 22 games, 5 goals, 3 assists, 1 MOM, 1 TOTW About the only one here who I would take a punt on. He’s ok, I’d probably have him on the bench for the youth cup. No more than that though
Youri TIELEMANS (Anderlecht) 28 games, 5 goals, 1 assist, 1 MOM, 2 TOTW Good old Youri. He’s got a little bit of talent hidden away in there somewhere. Don’t worry though, my old mucca PMW will soon train the talent out of him
Now come on, seriously, is this some kind of sick joke? We’ve been consistently kicked in the gonads this season. Week in week out my boys have put in top notch performances. Week in week out they have been forgotten with the TOTW board. Truthfully, I think this place would be better run if Sepp Blatter was in charge. If these awards were done properly, there would be no arguments with this little lot.
1. Jimenez Roberto Levante – Clearly the best keeper in div 5. In fact, the best in the league, and inspired by leaving AC Milan at the earliest available opportunity
2. Joel Ward AC Milan / Standard Liege – If he was still at AC, he’d be left rotting in the reserves, or maybe training Beddows chimps to peel potatoes. A top quality pro and inspirational leader who will lead to Liege to success next season
3. Andy Najar Anderlecht – The only player in div 5 that would get into my side. I’ve been tracking him for a while. Made a bid or two. I even sent Prince a message about him last week, and the Royal Joker had the nerve to say that I haven’t got anything that would tempt him. I’ll tell you something, if I popped round his gaff at 3am with a sock full of snooker balls, that’d tempt him I’ll tell you
4. Thomas Rincon Levante – An absolute colossus. I got him in from Boca when Sir Kev was having his big clearance sale. Picking him up for the price we paid was like being in Currys on black Friday and picking up an 80” widescreen for £75.
5. Steeve Yago Augsburg – He spells Steeve with two E’s, why wouldn’t you want somebody with two E’s on your side?
6. Ivan Ramis Levante – Joined us at a difficult time, byt came in and performed like Beckenbauer every time he crossed that white line. Is there a better centre half in the World right now? No
7. Isaac Success Levante – This young man is going to be the next African superstar. He’s better than Messi and Ronaldo were at that age, and doubtless he’ll be the best player in the World within the next 6 months. I just hope nobody goes putting any undue pressure on the lad
8. Frank Acheampong Sassuolo – Solid season for the big man in Italy. I’ll probably get him in at Levante in a few weeks.
9. Leandro Damiao Levante – 10 goals this season for Brazil’s best player. He’s seen more offside flags this season that Lewis Hamilton has chequered ones. Not his fault mind, the poor officiating we have encountered is exactly the sort of this Frank and the gang want to see
10. Wilfried Bony Ajax – Second best striker in the league after my boy Leandro. Plus Michael H promised me I could have a trip around the sights of Amsterday if I picked one of his lads
11. Robert Snodgrass Crystal Palace – Because he used to play for me, and his fine form for Palace is down to the time he spent in my company
I was thinking about Cirro Immobile and putting him in the side. Thing is, he’s going back to Genoa, and we all know why that is. Frank has apparently had a decent crop in his garden this season, and what I’ve heard is that some of the finest “Exotic tobacco” if you know what I mean, has helped sweeten the deal. I heard he’s opening up trade routes into Portugal, and then across the med to Northern Africa. He’ll be smuggling drugs, treasures, works of fine art, people, whatever it takes. I also heard that Beddows will be head sailor, and DP will be first mate.
As for managers, well there are only a few worthy of mention.
1. Me – Obviously the greatest there ever was. The greatest there currently is. The greatest there ever will be. I’d advise anybody not on my shortlist, and in fact the ones that are worthy to be considered in the same breath as me, to bask in my glory, and notice that yes, actually, the sun is indeed shining out of my perfectly formed posterior.
2. Nick Wheels Sao Paulo – Great work from the cutlery enthusiasts. Well average work anyway, but average is a big step up on most about at the moment.
3. Noisey Leverkusen – I’ve got to put in a word for the big fella for two reasons. Firstly, he flogged me Damiao at the start of the season. Secondly, he should have been sacked, but by winning a pot, he basically gave the gangsters in charge a great big up yours.
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