As the season ends, Spanish football has been under a little scrutiny. Barcelona won the Division 1 title, but across the other 4 divisions, only Villareal, who topped division 4, had any real success.
As such, the good (David Senior, Gareth Crisp) and the great (Tom Parfitt) of the Spanish club managers came together with Jeff Stelling to discuss their seasons, feelings about other managers, and plans to improve things moving forwards.
Stelling: Thank you for joining me here today boys. May I firstly ask why you are here today as well Lana?
Del Rey: Well thank you for that introduction. I’m here to give Tom some moral support. He has a big plan, and he wanted me to share it with him when he breaks it to the World.
Stelling. Very intriguing. We’ll come to you in a minute Tom. Firstly though, David. Can you tell us how you feel about your season?
Senior: After avoiding relegation last season this campaign was all about consolidation and not getting dragged into a similar fight this time around and I have to be content with comfortably achieving that.
Whilst finishing only 1 place higher than last season but with 7 points more and scoring 11 more goals whilst conceding 11 less, I’m happy with the slow improvement being shown.
Before taking over the club had never won a T100 cup competition game, this season we managed to reach the 3rd round of the Shield narrowly going out on pens whilst in the Cup we reached the semi-final. Having also reached the semi-final of the Youth Cup and the quarter-final of the World Club Cup. Not only that but we are in the final of the SMFA Shield.
All this points to having managed to achieve a squad with improved depth with a decent crop of young talent, which all bodes well for the future.
Stelling: Gareth, how have things been in Bilbao for you?
Athletic Finished 9th which in all honesty was a failure so am now considering my future.Started badly got better then fell apart at the end of the season when we were play off bound.
Stelling: Thank you Gareth. Some interesting comments there, and obviously you have some thinking to do in the off season. Finally, Tom. How about Levante’s season?
Parfitt: Well Jeff, as I’ve mentioned at every available opportunity, we have been held back not through a poor squad out together due to really bad management, but due to a conspiracy to stop us from getting anywhere.
Stelling: Hmm, yes, you have been quite vocal, perhaps we’ll come back to that a little later in the show. Before that particular can of worms is opened though, can we have a few words from the three of you on your rival managers. Firstly, how do you feel the Spanish top flight sides did?
Crisp: Barcelona finished where they should so can’t say too much about them. Keane at Madrid seems more intent on insulting everyone rather than being also rans again. Valencia had a reasonable season so can’t say too much bad about them.
Senior: Thanks for that Gareth, nice to hear somebody say something positive. As for my thoughts, Barca and Scott. A chimp would win the title with that squad, he should be winning 38 games a season and every cup going.
Real. Roy has given up the ghost on challenging for the league and content to hunt for glory with the minor trophies.
Atletico and The Doc have had a catastrophic season, as a time traveller he seems to be living on past glories and forgotten how to move forward.
Stelling: And how about you Tom?
Parfitt: Not much more to add. Barcelona underachieved. Exactly as the other boys said, Barcelona should go through every single season without dropping a league point, and cleaning up all of the knock out trophies. Roy at Madrid is just a joke figure really. Even somebody like Earle at Espanyol would do a better job. As for Atletico, an absolutely horrific show. And Senior sitting on the desk there. At best I’d give you a D plus for the season.
Stelling: Typically brash comments there from the manager of Spains lowest ranked, and therefore worst club.
Senior: Haha, he’s got your number Tom.
Parfitt: That’s fine David, I’ve got his missus number.
Stelling. How about managers from outside of the first division? Gareth, your thoughts please.
Crisp: Sevilla only just missed out on play offs maybe should have finished higher. Villareal excellent season suberb achievment in my oponion the most difficult league. Celta Vigo and Espanyol under achieving in Division 5. Last and by every means least Levante shocking behaviour from their manager who seemed more interested on off the field antics with has been singers than anything else.
Stelling: Wow, bold stuff there Gareth. Slating half the panel in one fell swoop. How about you David?
Senior: I’d call out Greg at Malaga for disgracing a nation by being the only manager to get a Spanish side relegated and Tom at Levante for, well, just being a disgrace.
Crisp: Can I also just add something about Celta. We all know why he got the job
Stelling: So then Tom, it appears that you are not as popular amongst your peers as you thought. How would you respond?
Parfitt: Well firstly, the next time Gareth, or in fact anybody, says something about Lane being washed up, I’ll take them to the cleaners. They’ll need to go so they can get the bloodstains out. Secondly, of course they are having a pop at me. They know that the clowns on the Top 100 board are watching this, and they know which side of the fence they need to be on if they are going to get anywhere next season. The truth is this. Frank Hurst, Stephen Beddows and DP decide who will win what. They are all scared to be embarrassed by me and my side, so we are held back by any means necessary.
Stelling: And as if we couldn’t guess, how do you feel about some of the other Spanish managers outside of the top flight Tom?
Parfitt: Genuinely Jeff, I think that to a man, every single one of them has over achieved, and finished far higher than they should have.
Stelling: Wow, I’m staggered. Is that what you honestly think?
Parfitt: Of course not. Gareth said he’s considering his future. Hats off to him, he knows that he should have won that division by about 20 points. As for the others, much the same. Like Gareth has already alluded to, Chisholm only got the Vigo gig due to his connections elsewhere. I reckon a TV remote would have done a better job. And Espanyol? What a farce that is. I fancied them to win the league this season. Had a monkey on it with Frank Bet, and look what happened. I’ve got a good mind to go round Doug’s house and have off with his Playstation for that.
And as for Malaga dropping, that’s without doubt the single worst performance by anybody in the history of Top 100, with the sole exception of Beddows getting relegated.
Senior: That’s a decent point, first time I’ve ever agreed with you Tom, but people like Bilboa are putting the pain in Spain. See what I did there lol.
Parfitt: Nice one Dave, I’ll get you a Strongbow later for that.
Stelling: So then boys, to get back to order, how do you improve the state of Spanish clubs?
Senior: To be honest, I’m only really interested in improving my own clubs fortunes.
Crisp: I have to second that. I don’t give a toss what happenes to Barcelona, the Madrid clubs, or anybody else. For me, it’s Athletic Club first, Athletic Club second, and Athletic Club third.
Stelling: And how about you Tom. Pretty little Lana at the end there said you have a plan?
Parfitt: Yes, I have a plan. A plan to shake up Spanish football, to ensure we have no more seasons like this, and to shake up the Italian mafia at Juventus, AC and Genoa that controls this beautiful game of hours. It’s my plan to Make Spanish Football Great Again, or #MSFGA if you prefer. I’m calling on all managers to use the hashtag MSFGA at every opportunity. My idea is that every club that represents a country called Spain is allowed to field eleven world class players, whilst a rule is introduced that bans any club representing a country not called Spain from fielding any international players, or players over the age of 18.
Stelling: Wont that prove to be somewhat controversial Tom?
Parfitt: Maybe, but with time, and the inevitable rise of clubs like mine, and to a lesser degree David and Gareth’s outfits, the football world will realise that it is in everyone’s best interests to introduce this rule.
Cue muffled laughter and talk of a man in the midst of a complete breakdown as the studio lights go down and the credits start rolling.
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